The Worlds Shittiest Holiday Destinations
Aug 12, 2022 5:08:32 GMT -5
Ariete, deneb78, and 5 more like this
Post by greysrigging on Aug 12, 2022 5:08:32 GMT -5
Holidays from hell.... here some of 'em are, complete with a description of what to expect....
The sort of places we should be thankfull for the Covid restrictions on travel....thankyou China in general and Wuhan in particular for saving us from these Shit Towns & Holidays.
DUBLIN
Dublin is considered Ireland’s cultural capital, which makes it the global capital of alcoholism, sectarian violence and passing off maudlin nostalgia as art. The original meaning of Dublin translates to ‘black pool’, a reference to the grubby shit puddle that the city was founded on. Dublin is also known as ‘The Fair City’, a nickname derived from the fact that the average Dubliner’s complexion is essentially translucent.
Most of Dublin’s tourist attractions are breweries, distilleries and pubs — testament to Ireland’s national drinking problem. No visit to Dublin is complete without a stop at a history-laden boozer or the production facility of a multinational peddler of addictive substances. Drinking is a religious experience in Dublin, which is probably why the city’s most famous watering holes are called The Temple Bar and The Church. The latter is an actual church that was converted into a nightclub, offering locals a new way to get molested in a familiar setting.
Dublin is also home to Guinness, Ireland’s most famous export despite the fact that it is actually just used motor oil topped with a creamy head of leprechaun cum masquerading as an alcoholic beverage. This also makes Dublin the home of the Guinness World Records, several of which are held by Dublin itself, including ‘World’s Funniest Accent’ and ‘Most Gingers Per Square Kilometre’.
Another popular tourist activity is the Viking tour boats, which see herds of obese Americans crammed onto a floating bus and encouraged to roar at passersby, celebrating the Viking-founded city’s fine traditions of sexual assault and setting fire to clergy. A famous local landmark is O’Connell Bridge, reputedly the only bridge in Europe with the same width and length, making it the only chode in Europe that can be used to cross a body of water.
Dublin is a UNESCO City of Literature, which is somewhat surprising given that a majority of the city’s residents can’t read. Famous Dublin writers include convicted buggerist Oscar Wilde, syphilitic peddler of smut James Joyce, and Twilight prequel author Bram Stoker. Dublin is also responsible for unleashing such musical mediocrities as Boyzone, B*Witched and U2, proving that it can be a disappointment in multiple artistic disciplines. A visit to Dublin promises a first-hand insight into the kind of shit town that could inspire such a range of creative crap.
Dublin Facts:
Founded: 841.
Currency: Potatoes.
Language: English, Irish, drunken shouting.
Demonym: Dublinish.
Also known as: The Fair City, Publin, Grublin.
As seen in: Michael Collins, a rousing bucolic tale of a scrappy Irishman who resolves a neighbourly dispute in comic fashion.
Most famous resident: Mononymic mega-minge Bono, who specialises in telling his fans to donate to the poor while living a millionaire lifestyle and forcing his mediocre ‘music’ onto unsuspecting victims’ iPhones.
Top 10 Things to Do in Dublin
Molest the Molly Malone statue
Try your hand at a stupid sport that could only have been invented by someone who’d just taken a hit to the head in a drunken pub brawl, such as Gaelic football or hurling
Lose a drinking contest to a 15-year-old school girl
Blister your eardrums listening to a gang of old codgers armed with fiddles, flutes and banjos
Do a spot of poaching in Phoenix Park
Get buggered by an Oscar Wilde impersonator on a literary pub crawl
Accidentally burn down the Trinity College Library
Break an ankle trying to do an impression of Michael Flatley
Go on a hunger strike at Kilmainham Gaol
Get impaled on the Spire of Dublin, a.k.a. the Stiffy on the Liffey
MIAMI
If Prague is the ‘mother of cities’ then Miami is the overly touchy stepdad — a gold medallion sitting in a nest of chest hair while he rests his hand on your buttock and breathes rum-scented innuendos into your ear. Filled to the brim with coke heads, ass-drenching humidity and oversexed immigrants, Miami is basically a yacht party with a zip code.
Dreaming of pulsing neon and Miami Vice pastels, many tourists make the mistake of thinking that a trip to Miami is like being an extra in a Pitbull music video, when it’s actually more like being an extra in Scarface (specifically that guy who gets chainsawed into chunks in the bathtub). While Miami pushes an image of palm trees and pristine beaches, it’s actually littered with pawn shops and dodgy massage parlours and gripped by a horrific crime rate as seen in such documentaries as CSI: Miami, Bad Boys and Dexter.
The iconic South Beach is touted as a tourist attraction but is more a monument to steroid abuse and botched plastic surgery, where swarms of club promoters harangue visitors to attend overpriced orgies. Smothered in cocaine and crammed with trolleyed college kids, the city’s famous nightlife is less Girls Gone Wild and more the second circle of hell. Miami specialises in jamming throngs of randy vacationers into ‘superclubs’ and then charging them eye-watering amounts for bottle service while they eye up whatever piece of willing meat they can drag back to their lair.
Miami is also home to Art Basel, an annual celebration that combines the pretension of the art world with the pretension of Miami to create a kind of pretension turducken. It’s ironic that Miami hosts such an event given that Florida’s idea of culture is a stripper with a yeast infection.
Built on a primeval swamp, Miami is filled with plagues of invasive pests spawning in multitudes in the sweltering humidity, including Burmese pythons, giant African land snails, and New Yorkers. The city has been inundated by hordes of Big Apple transplants, who love to complain about the heat while simultaneously bragging about not having to shovel snow from the driveway.
Miami is a short skip across the sea from Cuba, which is handy for Cubans who wish to escape their dysfunctional Communist state by paddling a bit of driftwood across the Florida Strait. It’s also handy for getting back once they realise their mistake.
Miami Facts
Population: 471,000.
Founded: 1896.
Currency: US dollar, cocaine, rum-based cocktails.
Language: English, Spanish.
Demonym: Miamoron.
Also known as: The Magic City, North Cuba.
As seen in: Scarface, in which an immigrant businessman falls afoul of the authorities while trying to live the American dream.
Most famous resident: Ricky Martin, family man.
Did you know? Miami has a number of professional sports teams that are ignored by the resident population, all of which have terrible names. The basketball team is named after a temperature, the college football team is named after a weather phenomenon that routinely destroys half the city, and the football team is named after the only animal aside from humans that rapes for pleasure.
Top 10 Things to Do in Miami
Start a drug cartel
Apply for a bank loan in a bikini
Catch a cocktail of communicable diseases during spring break
Crash a speedboat into a pier
Find an alligator in your swimming pool
Get caught in the crossfire of a drug deal gone wrong
Capsize an airboat in a giant swamp
Get devoured by a hybrid Burmese-Indian python
Defect to Cuba
Get Gianni Versace’d on your front porch
BALI
Notes/- my own pics of Kuta Beach, Bali.....
Billed as an island paradise, Bali is more of a cut-price dickhead magnet. The traffic-choked cultural wasteland of Kuta is lined with nightclubs bearing Aussie-baiting names like The Flying Roo or The Horny Anzac - all overstuffed with gurning tourists ripped off their tits on jungle juice and mushies they bought off a dodgy prick in the street, along with hordes of deadshit ‘toolies’ burning through their FIFO pay packets by flying to exotic locations to sexually assault teenage girls in a tropical climate.
Bali is also popular with leathery expat sex pests pitching themselves as ‘yoga masters’ as a means to meet middle-aged singles in Lululemon trying to fuck their divorce away. Unfortunately, the only form of ‘enlightenment’ these gurus pass on is a particularly virulent strain of gonorrhoea.
Within moments of arriving in Bali, you will undoubtedly be accosted by numerous locals parroting ‘g’day mate’ in a fake Aussie accent before trying to rent you a scooter, a jet ski or a prostitute, and quite possibly by a shirtless English exile with nipple rings trying to sell you someone else’s identity. The island is also lousy with disgusting animals including rabid dogs, creepy tailless cats, aggressive monkeys, and several species of Australian.
Some Australians love Bali so much they try to smuggle in barely concealed drugs just to enjoy a prolonged stay in the Hotel Kerobokan, a five-star correctional facility that combines the rustic charm of a Turkish brothel with the abuse and deprivation of Catholic school. Perfect if you are trying to secure a ‘tell-all’ exclusive with a dodgy current affairs program!
In fact, Bali is such a popular tourist destination that it is falling apart. The allegedly pristine beaches are actually covered in a tidal wave of trash including dead dogs, medical waste and dismembered backpackers. The local economy has abandoned the traditional industries of rice farming and wood carving in favour of selling counterfeit watches, massaging obese Westerners and extorting bribes from gullible foreigners.
Bali’s tap water is about 90% sewage and chemical waste, which might explain why the island is covered with several layers of plastic bottles. Any contact with the toxic sludge will give you an immediate dose of Bali belly, a savage case of diarrhoea that will help you meet your weight loss goals by causing you to shit out half of your internal organs. Namaste!
Bali Facts
Population: 4.3 million (plus 5 million Australians).
Currency: Indonesian Rupiah, Bintang singlets.
Language: Balinese, Indonesian, Australian.
Demonym: Balinoid.
Also known as: Bogan’s Paradise, Budget Gold Coast.
As seen in: Eat Pray Love, a Julia Roberts chick flick that draws hordes of menopausal housewives to Bali, only instead of rooting Javier Bardem they end up getting fingered by an unemployed plasterer from Perth who just got off home detention.
Most famous resident: Schapelle Corby, Australia’s second favourite convicted drug smuggling bogan after Cocaine Cassie.
Did you know? ‘Balinese Sunset’ is local slang for anal herpes.
Top 10 Things to Do in Bali ( P/S all these things below are actually true....)
Spend half an hour of your holiday haggling to save 20 cents
Get a shit tattoo with free hepatitis
Get your pubes braided
Spend the majority of your trip on the bog with Bali belly
Go blind after drinking a methanol-laced cocktail
Get bitten by a rabid dog
Get mugged by a monkey
Get blackmailed by a corrupt cop
Lose 85% of your skin in a scooter accident and not be covered by insurance because it was cheaper to pay off a cop than to get a motorbike licence
Wind up on death row after forgetting about the joint in your bag
SYDNEY
A top holiday location fot visiting NT Bogans
Typically the lady friend at the time purchases a $10 bikini top at least one size too small.
And I am able to sneak in a pic of a blond stunna while taking pics of the Manly ferry.
A sprawling shitburbia spoiling a perfectly good harbour, Sydney is beset by a confusing layout, horrific traffic and ever-increasing property prices that mean the only people who can really afford to live there are crooked investment bankers, crooked politicians and the children of crooked media moguls.
The iconic landmarks of Australia’s largest city are the Sydney Opera House (which was designed by a Dane), Sydney Harbour Bridge (which was designed by Scots) and Bondi Beach (which was nicked from the natives). In addition to Bondi, Sydney boasts an abundance of beaches, which would be great if not for the fact that most of its residents spend the majority of their time either working to pay outsized rent or mortgages or stuck in seemingly endless traffic jams. If you do find five minutes to visit a beach, it will invariably be covered with pasty British backpackers sunbaking themselves to the colour of burnt bacon, Insta-idiots and TikTok twats scrapping to take the perfect selfie, surfer stereotypes shanking each other for the best waves, or flag-wearing rednecks staging a race riot.
Sydney’s nightlife was destroyed some years ago when the New South Wales Fun Police implemented lockout laws designed to curb Australia’s favourite nocturnal pastime: coward punching strangers while queuing for a dodgy kebab. Previously, the city’s premier party precinct/cesspool of sin was Kings Cross, named after an incident in which the King of England stayed in the suburb and became enraged when he was unable to visit his favourite strip club at 1:31 a.m. While the ludicrous lockout laws have since relented, ‘Sadney’ remains deader than a baby in a dingo’s den.
The most popular tourist activity in Sydney is to leave Sydney for the Blue Mountains, where visitors can see the Three Sisters, a famous trio of sandstone shafts. Incidentally, the Three Sisters is also something you can get in Kings Cross if you flash enough dollarydoos. The popular Bondi to Coogee coastal walk is a fun activity if you’re keen to case some flash houses or fall off a cliff. Or you could try whale watching, which involves forking out a fortune to cram into an overloaded seasickness machine alongside some suspiciously sweaty Japanese tourists to watch the obese shut-ins of the ocean loll about like a Penrith dad on dole day.
Sydney was founded as a prison — over two centuries later, not much has changed.
Sydney Facts
Population: 5.2 million (mostly wankers).
Founded: Unfortunately.
Currency: Dollarydoo.
Language: English, but louder and dumber.
Demonym: .
Also known as: Sydders, Sydneyside, Sadney, Shitney.
As seen in: The Matrix, in which Sydney effortlessly stood in for a nightmarish dystopian shithole.
Most famous resident: Russell Crowe, celebrity biffo artist and owner of a notoriously shit footy team.
Did you know? Sydney sucks.
Top 10 Things to Do in Sydney
Fall off the Harbour Bridge while taking a selfie
Piss on the Opera House
Get pickpocketed at Paddy’s Markets
Encounter a ‘Bondi cigar’ while taking a dip
Spend the day sitting in a traffic jam
Take out a million-dollar mortgage to buy a broom cupboard in Redfern
Climb Mount Druitt
Start a race riot
Root an entire NRL team
Go home at 1:30 a.m. when everything closes
DUBAI
Dubai is a lot like a Kardashian: ostentatiously wealthy, completely fake, and probably shouldn’t exist for a multitude of very good reasons.
The Emirate bills itself as Disney World for adults but it’s more like Las Vegas if it were run by Mormons. It’s the sort of place where you can swim with a shark in a hotel aquarium, then enjoy a meal at a Michelin-starred restaurant before ending the night in the arms of a pair of Dubai’s many, many prostitutes. Just don’t make out in public, enjoy an alcoholic beverage or be in the vague vicinity of someone who’s suspected of doing something slightly illegal, or you might spend the next few decades in the notorious Al Barsha jail. Dubai’s draconian laws are apparently an elaborate scam to make tourists stay for as long as possible.
Built in the middle of a giant sandpit on the profit of vast oil and gas reserves, Dubai was constructed by an army of virtual slave labourers toiling in 50-degree heat to erect gleaming monuments to obscene wealth before returning home to the shoebox apartments they share with half a dozen other unfortunate migrants. Meanwhile, cashed-up expats blow their pay cheques on cheap thrills to stop them tossing themselves off their opulent balconies out of sheer boredom. All of these immigrants exist to facilitate the lavish lifestyles of the idle rich Emiratis who while away their days racing supercars to the airport and cheating on their wives with supermodels on their superyachts.
Dubai is fond of the phrase ‘man-made’ which is used to describe most of their attractions — this is necessary because God clearly cursed the place and intended it to be a barren wasteland. The city is home to a staggering array of attractions that have no business existing there, from a giant fountain (in a giant man-made lake), to the world’s largest water park (in the desert). Dubai also specialises in things that look like other things: a hotel that looks like a sail, an artificial archipelago that looks like a map of the world, a hotel that looks like a tidal wave looming over the beach. It seems the only thing that Dubai can’t buy is good taste.
Dubai Facts
Population: 3.3 million.
Founded: 1833.
Currency: UAE Dirham, South Asian people.
Language: Arabic, English, money.
Demonym: Dubai’an.
Also known as: Dubious Dubai, Do Buy, Poobai.
As seen in: Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol. Pope of Scientology and occasional actor Tom Cruise performs an array of ridiculous stunts while he dangles from the Burj Khalifa. Fortunately, an epic sandstorm destroys the city.
Most famous resident: Madonna is rumoured to own a mansion in Dubai complete with dolphins in the living room, where she can rest from her busy schedule of abducting children from the Third World and traumatising the planet with her fossilised ‘sex appeal’.
Top 10 Things to Do in Dubai
Fall off the world’s tallest building
Lose a week’s wages on a camel race
Get deported for having extramarital sex
Go on a shopping spree at the Gold Souk, the Textile Souk and the Slave Souk
Die of heat exhaustion
Break a leg kitesurfing
Go to jail for having a beer on the flight in
Roll a Land Rover down a sand dune
Get lost in a sandstorm
Try not to think about the abused workers who built the luxury hotel you’re trying to sleep in
SINGAPORE
Singapore’s main problem is its seeming lack of problems. Like a too-perfect Tinder hookup, the apparent lack of red flags is the biggest red flag of all. Sure enough, scratching below the surface of the antiseptic ‘utopia’ reveals an authoritarian city-country synonymous with obsessive cleanliness, ostentatious wealth and oppressive conformity.
With a country’s worth of people jammed into a city, it’s natural that Singapore is famous for its ambitious architecture, the types of monuments to excess that are only achievable by employing masses of poorly paid migrant labour. Looking more like a sci-fi set than somewhere in Southeast Asia, Singapore tries to make up for its lack of any actual nature with ridiculous constructions like the UFO-esque Gardens by the Bay and Jewel Changi, a bunch of waterfalls and butterfly gardens stuffed into a glass dome at the airport. The famous Marina Bay Sands hotel is shaped like a ship marooned on top of three towers, but from a distance looks more like a giant cricket wicket or a big floppy dildo balanced on some blocks.
With so much wealth floating around, the national sport of Singapore is shopping. Given that the average Singapore day is hot and humid enough to make you feel like a toddler locked in a car while your mum plays the pokies, it makes sense to spend most of your free time hiding out in an air-conditioned shopping mall.
Singapore is also known for its cleanliness, to the point that it’s basically OCD with a country code. The city’s sterility and lack of crime are down to a suite of draconian punishments including a hefty fine for chewing gum, imprisonment for using your neighbour’s wifi or being gay, and death for possession of weed. Pissing in public will see you bundled into a rocket and shot into the sun. Singapore has the highest per capita execution rate in the world — beating even death penalty aficionados Texas — which on the plus side somewhat helps with the overcrowding issue. The compact country is also fond of caning, for offences ranging from murder to overstaying your visa (not a joke), which is great news for S&M enthusiasts.
All in all, Singapore is a great place to visit if you want to get whipped to a pulp in a ratshit Westworld.
Singapore Facts
Population: 5.5 million.
Currency: Singapore dollar.
Language: Singlish.
Demonym: Sinkie.
Also known as: The Fine City - not just for its supposed artificial beauty, but also for the fact that you risk an exorbitant fine for some minor offence every time you step outside.
As seen in: Crazy Rich Asians, an advertisement for how great ‘The Lion City’ is if you aren’t Singa-poor.
Most famous resident: Tila Tequila and Louis Theroux, co-stars of the weirdest sex tape ever.
Did you know? Singapore’s mascot is the merlion, a half-fish, half-lion creature that can only have resulted from a heinous act of bestiality.
Top 10 Things to Do in Singapore
Get botulism at a hawker market
Try a famous Singapore Sling, an overpriced ode to colonialism in a glass
Sample some durian, a fruit that smells like diarrhoea and tastes like it smells
Visit Universal Studios Singapore, which is like Universal Studios Hollywood but shit
Surrender to the Japanese
Try some hallucinogenic cactus at Gardens by the Bay
Go on a night safari to watch some zoo animals bone
Stay in a hotel run by robots
Get fined half a year’s salary for sneezing
Spend your entire ten-day holiday without leaving the airport
15.000 Aussie troops from the 8th Division were captured by the Japs upon the fall of Singapore in 1942
Changi, Singapore 1945. A group of prisoners of war photographed at Changi prisoner of war camp shortly after the surrender of the Japanese.
EDINBURGH
The purported capital of a pretend country, Edinburgh is a drab, depressing cluster of churches, castles and other crap-coloured buildings, crawling with cross-dressing barbarians belting out bruising bagpipe ballads for booze money. When they’re not busking with the most heinous instrument known to man, Edinburgers spend their days whinging about Glasgow, whinging about England, or trying to end it all by overdosing on heroin, hard liquor or deep-fried Mars bars. Despite looking like it should be ‘Edin-berg’, the city’s name actually sounds more like ‘Edin-burrow’, which is appropriate considering most of the population resemble subterranean mole people who only venture to the surface during an eclipse.
Edinburgh has been neatly divided into the ‘Old Town’ (which is fucking old) and the ‘New Town’ (which is also fucking old but not as old as the ‘Old Town’). Centred around a medieval labyrinth of cobbled streets and rapey alleyways, Edinburgh is like Hogwarts if Ron was hooked on smack, Hermione was working on her third abortion and Harry stoved people’s heads in because they supported the wrong Quidditch team.
The city’s most famous landmark is Edinburgh Castle, which is overrun by obese Americans complaining that some bastard had the temerity to build a fortress up a hill instead of conveniently laying it out on one of the flat bits. Edinburgh Castle is home to the Scottish Crown Jewels, which are actually just a half-eaten Toblerone and a used syringe. Another attraction is the statue of Greyfriars Bobby, a Victorian dog famous for guarding his owner's grave for 14 years until his own demise, setting the record for the longest continuous employment by a resident of Edinburgh.
If you get bored in Edinburgh, you should definitely attempt a Scottish accent while intoxicated — there’s nothing local bartenders love more than a tourist who tries to order a pint while sounding like a shitfaced Shrek. If you ‘enjoy’ Edinburgh’s nightlife you will almost certainly be accosted by a whisky nerd who will insist you swill ‘a wee dram’ of the noxious beverage and describe the experience as if you haven’t just gargled lighter fluid.
Edinburgh Facts
Population: 520,000.
Currency: Deep-fried British pound.
Language: Butchered English, Scots.
Demonym: Edinburger.
Also known as: Edinblergh, Edinbugger, Inbredinburgh.
As seen in: Trainspotting, a charming indie film in which some colourful characters engage in the traditional local pastimes of abusing heroin, having sex with minors and failing HIV tests.
Most famous resident: J.K. Rowling, who began writing Harry Potter in an Edinburgh coffee shop after picking up a copy of The Lord of the Rings and thinking ‘I’ll just rewrite that but make the hobbits kids and Gandalf gay’.
Did you know? Edinburgh is famous for inedible ‘delicacies’ such haggis, macaroni pies and deep-fried Mars bars. In fact, Edinburgers will deep-fry anything from a pizza to a placenta providing they can slather it in ‘brown sauce’, a foul condiment with both the consistency and colour of diarrhoea.
Top 10 Things to Do in Edinburgh
Buy some tacky tartan tat from a souvenir shop
Pay a bagpiping busker to stop
Get shouted at in unintelligible English
Drag your carcass up Arthur’s Seat
Gorge yourself on deep-fried entrails
Re-enact Braveheart in a Tesco car park
Get assaulted by a German mime at the Festival Fringe
Get accosted by a hen’s party at Grassmarket
‘Toss your caber’ at the ‘Pubic Triangle’
End up in a coma after sitting in the wrong section at a Hibs-Hearts derby
IBIZA
Ibiza is known as the White Isle, not because of its famous white sandy beaches but for the tsunami of pasty British types who flood the Spanish hotspot in search of sun, sluts and something to snort. ‘White Isle’ also refers to Ibiza’s absolute abundance of cocaine, one of several illicit substances flowing through the veins of every single visitor at any given time.
Ibiza bills itself as the party capital of the world, which means you’ve got a great chance of being sold dud pingas, groped or just plain ripped off. With more drug dealers than cops (not counting the cops who are drug dealers) and more sex predators than drug dealers, Ibiza is basically Mos Eisley if you swapped the Jawas for celebrity DJs who later end up on charges. Ibiza is the island that never sleeps, but does pass out from alcohol poisoning (or drink spiking) on a regular basis.
The main ‘attraction’ of Ibiza is its super clubs, to which tourists flock to purchase overpriced cocktails and see a D-list celebrity push play on a Spotify playlist and twiddle some knobs. It’s a mecca for dance ‘music’, which isn’t actually music but rather a single skull-rattling bass note repeated ad infinitum, a pseudo-genre whose success relies on listeners being too fucked up to realise how awful it is.
Ibiza is also famous for its turquoise water and perfect white sands, a tempting distraction from the monumental hangover you are trying to work off after spending two weeks’ wages in a mega-club trying to get in the pants of a pink-haired barista with herpes. However, any attempt to relax will invariably be foiled by a swarm of local nightclub touts trying to convince you to fork over $50 to jam into one of the aforementioned torture chambers known as ‘clubs’.
If getting bleary-eyed in the Balearics isn’t your cup of ketamine then you could partake in Ibiza’s other main pastime: conspicuous displays of obscene wealth. Impress your other nouveau riche mates by blowing all your hard-earned crypto gains on unfathomably expensive restaurants and ‘luxurious’ five-star hotels.
Fortunately, there are ample employment opportunities in Ibiza, allowing you to pay for your eye-wateringly expensive week of debauchery by becoming a drug mule. If jamming a fistful of pills up your clacker doesn’t appeal then you can always clear your credit card by sucking off a super yacht owner.
Ibiza Facts
Population: 3 residents, 3 million tourists.
Founded: 654 B.C.
Found by tourists: 1975.
Currency: Drugs.
Language: Dance ‘music’.
Also known as: The White Isle, The Devil’s Bleached Arsehole, Hell.
Most famous resident: Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious lived in Ibiza as a child, where the constant dance music made him angry enough to become a punk pioneer.
Did you know? According to legend, fifteenth-century soothsayer Nostradamus predicted that Ibiza would be the last place to survive in the event of the apocalypse. Given that he never experienced a night at Amnesia, it’s amazing how accurate he was — after they drop the bombs the only things left standing will be cockroaches and trance DJs.
Top 10 Things to Do in Ibiza
Ecstasy
Cocaine
Ketamine
Alcohol
Cannabis
GHB
LSD
Jenkem
Meth
Snorkelling
LAS VEGAS
Las Vegas is known by the sobriquet ‘Sin City’, an understatement on the level of describing Michael Jackson as ‘fond of children’. An eyesore visible from orbit, Vegas exists for no reason other than befuddling punters with a spectacular array of vices in order to bilk them out of as much money as possible before sending them back to their Midwestern shitholes broke, confused and filled with a bone-deep shame. Visitors to ‘Sin City’ can partake in a fantasy of consequence-free debauchery while racking up massive credit card bills and contracting incurable STDs.
Originally conceived as a playground for Hollywood’s rich and famous, Vegas is now a world-famous monument to excess that caters less to celebrities and more to college kids looking to get off their faces on energy drink cocktails, hen’s parties chundering up cheap champagne, and middle-managers cheating on their wives with male prostitutes. Officially, the city bills itself as the ‘Entertainment Capital of the World’, a bold claim undermined by the fact that it’s the only place on the planet where ventriloquism is considered entertainment. Popular acts include shithouse magicians, over-the-hill pop stars eking out child support payments by belting out decades-old hits at a casino residency, and a couple of gay blokes abusing a tiger.
Vegas manages to combine the authenticity of a breast implant with all the existential horror of a burst breast implant. The place is filled with replicas of famous international landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, the Statue of Liberty and the canals of Venice, allowing obese Americans to tour the globe without leaving the comfort of their mobility scooters.
Rising out of the dusty desert like a nightmarish mirage, Las Vegas is the closest thing to a holy land for Americans. After all, being plied with complimentary cocktails and spending a month’s mortgage payment on a lap dance is the closest thing most Trump voters will come to experiencing an epiphany.
Just remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas — except for the herpes!
Las Vegas Facts
Population: 2.4 million.
Founded: 1905.
Currency: US dollar, handjobs.
Language: Something resembling English.
Demonym: Las Vegan.
Also known as: Sin City, Lost Wages.
As seen in: Leaving Las Vegas, in which Nicolas Cage drinks himself to death rather than watch another Cirque du Soleil show.
Most famous resident: Mike Tyson, modern philosopher and part-time cannibal.
Top 10 Things to Do in Las Vegas
Get a quickie marriage officiated by an Elvis impersonator
Get a quickie annulment officiated by an Elvis impersonator
Get alcohol poisoning
Lose your inheritance on a slot machine
Catch E. coli at a themed buffet
Wake up floating in the Bellagio fountain
Bury a hooker in the desert
Get charged a month’s salary for emptying a hotel minibar
Get arrested for trying to publicly recreate a Cirque du Soleil show in the nude
Get gunned down on the Las Vegas Strip after a Mike Tyson fight
BANGKOK
Draped in tangled thickets of power lines and coated in several layers of grime and graffiti, Bangkok is a sprawling collection of filthy buildings, filthy canals, filthy roads choked with filthy vehicles, and filthy streets full of filthy tourists looking for filthy things to do. The city exudes its signature stench of durian, exhaust fumes and open sewers, amplified by oppressive heat and humidity and frequent torrential downpours. It is not a good place to go outside, ever.
Bangkok is essentially a giant red light district with the facade of a city stuck on. Every side street is packed with ageing ‘bar girls’ and ‘masseuses’ yelling clichés at passers-by while their children play on the road, street food stalls selling salmonella, and saggy sex tourists cruising for their kids’ next imported stepmum. The city’s most popular attractions are giant masturbation malls where you can see a ping-pong show that doesn’t involve paddles, marvel at the wonders of gender reassignment surgery or watch a recently trafficked teenager taking a shower in a glass cage. Thailand is known as the ‘Land of Smiles’ because it specialises in happy endings — expect to be offered one at any dodgy massage parlour, respectable massage parlour, restaurant, convenience store or Buddhist temple.
One of the best known tourist areas is Khao San Road, where feral backpackers can buy a tacky T-shirt with a stupid slogan or a naked lady on it, before skolling a bucket of dodgy booze or a shot of snake blood under the pretence of cultural immersion. Another popular activity is being abducted by a tuk-tuk driver who proceeds to take you on a meandering tour of the city’s worst souvenir shops before charging you like a wounded bull. ‘Scamkok’ is notorious for the number of rorts that locals play on visitors who are probably too pissed-up and in search of a cut-rate shag to pay proper attention to the various ways they are being bilked.
Whether you’re a sex tourist or a sex tourist in disguise, Bangkok is a great place to bang cock — but fucking awful the rest of the time.
Bangkok Facts
Population: 8.3 million.
Founded: 1782.
Currency: Thai Baht, happy endings.
Language: Thai, English clichés.
Demonym: Kokbanger.
Also known as: Scamkok, Bongkok, Village of Wild Plums.
As seen in: The Hangover Part II, a forgettable sequel that showcased Bangkok’s better points such as sodomy, muscle relaxants and drug-dealing monkeys.
Most famous resident: The dodgiest you went to school with, probably.
Did you know? Bangkok’s full Thai name is กรุงเทพมหานคร อมรรัตนโกสินทร์ มหินทรายุธยา มหาดิลกภพ นพรัตนราชธานีบูรีรมย์ อุดมราชนิเวศน์มหาสถาน อมรพิมานอวตารสถิต สักกะทัตติยวิษณุกรรมประสิทธิ์, which is still easier to read than the average Trump tweet.
Top 10 Things to Do in Bangkok
Learn to ride a motorbike while holding an umbrella
Get fined for smoking a cigarette
Burn your hand off by touching the river
Get some photos of temples so you can pretend you were there for sightseeing
Get run over by a hundred scooters while trying to cross the road
Ask a monk for a happy ending
Get imprisoned for making fun of the King
Find out how to say ‘herpes medication’ in Thai
Spend the entire day in your air-conditioned hotel room because it’s too hot to go outside
Wake up missing a kidney
Well there you have it....happy shitty holiday !
The sort of places we should be thankfull for the Covid restrictions on travel....thankyou China in general and Wuhan in particular for saving us from these Shit Towns & Holidays.
DUBLIN
Dublin is considered Ireland’s cultural capital, which makes it the global capital of alcoholism, sectarian violence and passing off maudlin nostalgia as art. The original meaning of Dublin translates to ‘black pool’, a reference to the grubby shit puddle that the city was founded on. Dublin is also known as ‘The Fair City’, a nickname derived from the fact that the average Dubliner’s complexion is essentially translucent.
Most of Dublin’s tourist attractions are breweries, distilleries and pubs — testament to Ireland’s national drinking problem. No visit to Dublin is complete without a stop at a history-laden boozer or the production facility of a multinational peddler of addictive substances. Drinking is a religious experience in Dublin, which is probably why the city’s most famous watering holes are called The Temple Bar and The Church. The latter is an actual church that was converted into a nightclub, offering locals a new way to get molested in a familiar setting.
Dublin is also home to Guinness, Ireland’s most famous export despite the fact that it is actually just used motor oil topped with a creamy head of leprechaun cum masquerading as an alcoholic beverage. This also makes Dublin the home of the Guinness World Records, several of which are held by Dublin itself, including ‘World’s Funniest Accent’ and ‘Most Gingers Per Square Kilometre’.
Another popular tourist activity is the Viking tour boats, which see herds of obese Americans crammed onto a floating bus and encouraged to roar at passersby, celebrating the Viking-founded city’s fine traditions of sexual assault and setting fire to clergy. A famous local landmark is O’Connell Bridge, reputedly the only bridge in Europe with the same width and length, making it the only chode in Europe that can be used to cross a body of water.
Dublin is a UNESCO City of Literature, which is somewhat surprising given that a majority of the city’s residents can’t read. Famous Dublin writers include convicted buggerist Oscar Wilde, syphilitic peddler of smut James Joyce, and Twilight prequel author Bram Stoker. Dublin is also responsible for unleashing such musical mediocrities as Boyzone, B*Witched and U2, proving that it can be a disappointment in multiple artistic disciplines. A visit to Dublin promises a first-hand insight into the kind of shit town that could inspire such a range of creative crap.
Dublin Facts:
Founded: 841.
Currency: Potatoes.
Language: English, Irish, drunken shouting.
Demonym: Dublinish.
Also known as: The Fair City, Publin, Grublin.
As seen in: Michael Collins, a rousing bucolic tale of a scrappy Irishman who resolves a neighbourly dispute in comic fashion.
Most famous resident: Mononymic mega-minge Bono, who specialises in telling his fans to donate to the poor while living a millionaire lifestyle and forcing his mediocre ‘music’ onto unsuspecting victims’ iPhones.
Top 10 Things to Do in Dublin
Molest the Molly Malone statue
Try your hand at a stupid sport that could only have been invented by someone who’d just taken a hit to the head in a drunken pub brawl, such as Gaelic football or hurling
Lose a drinking contest to a 15-year-old school girl
Blister your eardrums listening to a gang of old codgers armed with fiddles, flutes and banjos
Do a spot of poaching in Phoenix Park
Get buggered by an Oscar Wilde impersonator on a literary pub crawl
Accidentally burn down the Trinity College Library
Break an ankle trying to do an impression of Michael Flatley
Go on a hunger strike at Kilmainham Gaol
Get impaled on the Spire of Dublin, a.k.a. the Stiffy on the Liffey
MIAMI
If Prague is the ‘mother of cities’ then Miami is the overly touchy stepdad — a gold medallion sitting in a nest of chest hair while he rests his hand on your buttock and breathes rum-scented innuendos into your ear. Filled to the brim with coke heads, ass-drenching humidity and oversexed immigrants, Miami is basically a yacht party with a zip code.
Dreaming of pulsing neon and Miami Vice pastels, many tourists make the mistake of thinking that a trip to Miami is like being an extra in a Pitbull music video, when it’s actually more like being an extra in Scarface (specifically that guy who gets chainsawed into chunks in the bathtub). While Miami pushes an image of palm trees and pristine beaches, it’s actually littered with pawn shops and dodgy massage parlours and gripped by a horrific crime rate as seen in such documentaries as CSI: Miami, Bad Boys and Dexter.
The iconic South Beach is touted as a tourist attraction but is more a monument to steroid abuse and botched plastic surgery, where swarms of club promoters harangue visitors to attend overpriced orgies. Smothered in cocaine and crammed with trolleyed college kids, the city’s famous nightlife is less Girls Gone Wild and more the second circle of hell. Miami specialises in jamming throngs of randy vacationers into ‘superclubs’ and then charging them eye-watering amounts for bottle service while they eye up whatever piece of willing meat they can drag back to their lair.
Miami is also home to Art Basel, an annual celebration that combines the pretension of the art world with the pretension of Miami to create a kind of pretension turducken. It’s ironic that Miami hosts such an event given that Florida’s idea of culture is a stripper with a yeast infection.
Built on a primeval swamp, Miami is filled with plagues of invasive pests spawning in multitudes in the sweltering humidity, including Burmese pythons, giant African land snails, and New Yorkers. The city has been inundated by hordes of Big Apple transplants, who love to complain about the heat while simultaneously bragging about not having to shovel snow from the driveway.
Miami is a short skip across the sea from Cuba, which is handy for Cubans who wish to escape their dysfunctional Communist state by paddling a bit of driftwood across the Florida Strait. It’s also handy for getting back once they realise their mistake.
Miami Facts
Population: 471,000.
Founded: 1896.
Currency: US dollar, cocaine, rum-based cocktails.
Language: English, Spanish.
Demonym: Miamoron.
Also known as: The Magic City, North Cuba.
As seen in: Scarface, in which an immigrant businessman falls afoul of the authorities while trying to live the American dream.
Most famous resident: Ricky Martin, family man.
Did you know? Miami has a number of professional sports teams that are ignored by the resident population, all of which have terrible names. The basketball team is named after a temperature, the college football team is named after a weather phenomenon that routinely destroys half the city, and the football team is named after the only animal aside from humans that rapes for pleasure.
Top 10 Things to Do in Miami
Start a drug cartel
Apply for a bank loan in a bikini
Catch a cocktail of communicable diseases during spring break
Crash a speedboat into a pier
Find an alligator in your swimming pool
Get caught in the crossfire of a drug deal gone wrong
Capsize an airboat in a giant swamp
Get devoured by a hybrid Burmese-Indian python
Defect to Cuba
Get Gianni Versace’d on your front porch
BALI
Notes/- my own pics of Kuta Beach, Bali.....
Billed as an island paradise, Bali is more of a cut-price dickhead magnet. The traffic-choked cultural wasteland of Kuta is lined with nightclubs bearing Aussie-baiting names like The Flying Roo or The Horny Anzac - all overstuffed with gurning tourists ripped off their tits on jungle juice and mushies they bought off a dodgy prick in the street, along with hordes of deadshit ‘toolies’ burning through their FIFO pay packets by flying to exotic locations to sexually assault teenage girls in a tropical climate.
Bali is also popular with leathery expat sex pests pitching themselves as ‘yoga masters’ as a means to meet middle-aged singles in Lululemon trying to fuck their divorce away. Unfortunately, the only form of ‘enlightenment’ these gurus pass on is a particularly virulent strain of gonorrhoea.
Within moments of arriving in Bali, you will undoubtedly be accosted by numerous locals parroting ‘g’day mate’ in a fake Aussie accent before trying to rent you a scooter, a jet ski or a prostitute, and quite possibly by a shirtless English exile with nipple rings trying to sell you someone else’s identity. The island is also lousy with disgusting animals including rabid dogs, creepy tailless cats, aggressive monkeys, and several species of Australian.
Some Australians love Bali so much they try to smuggle in barely concealed drugs just to enjoy a prolonged stay in the Hotel Kerobokan, a five-star correctional facility that combines the rustic charm of a Turkish brothel with the abuse and deprivation of Catholic school. Perfect if you are trying to secure a ‘tell-all’ exclusive with a dodgy current affairs program!
In fact, Bali is such a popular tourist destination that it is falling apart. The allegedly pristine beaches are actually covered in a tidal wave of trash including dead dogs, medical waste and dismembered backpackers. The local economy has abandoned the traditional industries of rice farming and wood carving in favour of selling counterfeit watches, massaging obese Westerners and extorting bribes from gullible foreigners.
Bali’s tap water is about 90% sewage and chemical waste, which might explain why the island is covered with several layers of plastic bottles. Any contact with the toxic sludge will give you an immediate dose of Bali belly, a savage case of diarrhoea that will help you meet your weight loss goals by causing you to shit out half of your internal organs. Namaste!
Bali Facts
Population: 4.3 million (plus 5 million Australians).
Currency: Indonesian Rupiah, Bintang singlets.
Language: Balinese, Indonesian, Australian.
Demonym: Balinoid.
Also known as: Bogan’s Paradise, Budget Gold Coast.
As seen in: Eat Pray Love, a Julia Roberts chick flick that draws hordes of menopausal housewives to Bali, only instead of rooting Javier Bardem they end up getting fingered by an unemployed plasterer from Perth who just got off home detention.
Most famous resident: Schapelle Corby, Australia’s second favourite convicted drug smuggling bogan after Cocaine Cassie.
Did you know? ‘Balinese Sunset’ is local slang for anal herpes.
Top 10 Things to Do in Bali ( P/S all these things below are actually true....)
Spend half an hour of your holiday haggling to save 20 cents
Get a shit tattoo with free hepatitis
Get your pubes braided
Spend the majority of your trip on the bog with Bali belly
Go blind after drinking a methanol-laced cocktail
Get bitten by a rabid dog
Get mugged by a monkey
Get blackmailed by a corrupt cop
Lose 85% of your skin in a scooter accident and not be covered by insurance because it was cheaper to pay off a cop than to get a motorbike licence
Wind up on death row after forgetting about the joint in your bag
SYDNEY
A top holiday location fot visiting NT Bogans
Typically the lady friend at the time purchases a $10 bikini top at least one size too small.
And I am able to sneak in a pic of a blond stunna while taking pics of the Manly ferry.
A sprawling shitburbia spoiling a perfectly good harbour, Sydney is beset by a confusing layout, horrific traffic and ever-increasing property prices that mean the only people who can really afford to live there are crooked investment bankers, crooked politicians and the children of crooked media moguls.
The iconic landmarks of Australia’s largest city are the Sydney Opera House (which was designed by a Dane), Sydney Harbour Bridge (which was designed by Scots) and Bondi Beach (which was nicked from the natives). In addition to Bondi, Sydney boasts an abundance of beaches, which would be great if not for the fact that most of its residents spend the majority of their time either working to pay outsized rent or mortgages or stuck in seemingly endless traffic jams. If you do find five minutes to visit a beach, it will invariably be covered with pasty British backpackers sunbaking themselves to the colour of burnt bacon, Insta-idiots and TikTok twats scrapping to take the perfect selfie, surfer stereotypes shanking each other for the best waves, or flag-wearing rednecks staging a race riot.
Sydney’s nightlife was destroyed some years ago when the New South Wales Fun Police implemented lockout laws designed to curb Australia’s favourite nocturnal pastime: coward punching strangers while queuing for a dodgy kebab. Previously, the city’s premier party precinct/cesspool of sin was Kings Cross, named after an incident in which the King of England stayed in the suburb and became enraged when he was unable to visit his favourite strip club at 1:31 a.m. While the ludicrous lockout laws have since relented, ‘Sadney’ remains deader than a baby in a dingo’s den.
The most popular tourist activity in Sydney is to leave Sydney for the Blue Mountains, where visitors can see the Three Sisters, a famous trio of sandstone shafts. Incidentally, the Three Sisters is also something you can get in Kings Cross if you flash enough dollarydoos. The popular Bondi to Coogee coastal walk is a fun activity if you’re keen to case some flash houses or fall off a cliff. Or you could try whale watching, which involves forking out a fortune to cram into an overloaded seasickness machine alongside some suspiciously sweaty Japanese tourists to watch the obese shut-ins of the ocean loll about like a Penrith dad on dole day.
Sydney was founded as a prison — over two centuries later, not much has changed.
Sydney Facts
Population: 5.2 million (mostly wankers).
Founded: Unfortunately.
Currency: Dollarydoo.
Language: English, but louder and dumber.
Demonym: .
Also known as: Sydders, Sydneyside, Sadney, Shitney.
As seen in: The Matrix, in which Sydney effortlessly stood in for a nightmarish dystopian shithole.
Most famous resident: Russell Crowe, celebrity biffo artist and owner of a notoriously shit footy team.
Did you know? Sydney sucks.
Top 10 Things to Do in Sydney
Fall off the Harbour Bridge while taking a selfie
Piss on the Opera House
Get pickpocketed at Paddy’s Markets
Encounter a ‘Bondi cigar’ while taking a dip
Spend the day sitting in a traffic jam
Take out a million-dollar mortgage to buy a broom cupboard in Redfern
Climb Mount Druitt
Start a race riot
Root an entire NRL team
Go home at 1:30 a.m. when everything closes
DUBAI
Dubai is a lot like a Kardashian: ostentatiously wealthy, completely fake, and probably shouldn’t exist for a multitude of very good reasons.
The Emirate bills itself as Disney World for adults but it’s more like Las Vegas if it were run by Mormons. It’s the sort of place where you can swim with a shark in a hotel aquarium, then enjoy a meal at a Michelin-starred restaurant before ending the night in the arms of a pair of Dubai’s many, many prostitutes. Just don’t make out in public, enjoy an alcoholic beverage or be in the vague vicinity of someone who’s suspected of doing something slightly illegal, or you might spend the next few decades in the notorious Al Barsha jail. Dubai’s draconian laws are apparently an elaborate scam to make tourists stay for as long as possible.
Built in the middle of a giant sandpit on the profit of vast oil and gas reserves, Dubai was constructed by an army of virtual slave labourers toiling in 50-degree heat to erect gleaming monuments to obscene wealth before returning home to the shoebox apartments they share with half a dozen other unfortunate migrants. Meanwhile, cashed-up expats blow their pay cheques on cheap thrills to stop them tossing themselves off their opulent balconies out of sheer boredom. All of these immigrants exist to facilitate the lavish lifestyles of the idle rich Emiratis who while away their days racing supercars to the airport and cheating on their wives with supermodels on their superyachts.
Dubai is fond of the phrase ‘man-made’ which is used to describe most of their attractions — this is necessary because God clearly cursed the place and intended it to be a barren wasteland. The city is home to a staggering array of attractions that have no business existing there, from a giant fountain (in a giant man-made lake), to the world’s largest water park (in the desert). Dubai also specialises in things that look like other things: a hotel that looks like a sail, an artificial archipelago that looks like a map of the world, a hotel that looks like a tidal wave looming over the beach. It seems the only thing that Dubai can’t buy is good taste.
Dubai Facts
Population: 3.3 million.
Founded: 1833.
Currency: UAE Dirham, South Asian people.
Language: Arabic, English, money.
Demonym: Dubai’an.
Also known as: Dubious Dubai, Do Buy, Poobai.
As seen in: Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol. Pope of Scientology and occasional actor Tom Cruise performs an array of ridiculous stunts while he dangles from the Burj Khalifa. Fortunately, an epic sandstorm destroys the city.
Most famous resident: Madonna is rumoured to own a mansion in Dubai complete with dolphins in the living room, where she can rest from her busy schedule of abducting children from the Third World and traumatising the planet with her fossilised ‘sex appeal’.
Top 10 Things to Do in Dubai
Fall off the world’s tallest building
Lose a week’s wages on a camel race
Get deported for having extramarital sex
Go on a shopping spree at the Gold Souk, the Textile Souk and the Slave Souk
Die of heat exhaustion
Break a leg kitesurfing
Go to jail for having a beer on the flight in
Roll a Land Rover down a sand dune
Get lost in a sandstorm
Try not to think about the abused workers who built the luxury hotel you’re trying to sleep in
SINGAPORE
Singapore’s main problem is its seeming lack of problems. Like a too-perfect Tinder hookup, the apparent lack of red flags is the biggest red flag of all. Sure enough, scratching below the surface of the antiseptic ‘utopia’ reveals an authoritarian city-country synonymous with obsessive cleanliness, ostentatious wealth and oppressive conformity.
With a country’s worth of people jammed into a city, it’s natural that Singapore is famous for its ambitious architecture, the types of monuments to excess that are only achievable by employing masses of poorly paid migrant labour. Looking more like a sci-fi set than somewhere in Southeast Asia, Singapore tries to make up for its lack of any actual nature with ridiculous constructions like the UFO-esque Gardens by the Bay and Jewel Changi, a bunch of waterfalls and butterfly gardens stuffed into a glass dome at the airport. The famous Marina Bay Sands hotel is shaped like a ship marooned on top of three towers, but from a distance looks more like a giant cricket wicket or a big floppy dildo balanced on some blocks.
With so much wealth floating around, the national sport of Singapore is shopping. Given that the average Singapore day is hot and humid enough to make you feel like a toddler locked in a car while your mum plays the pokies, it makes sense to spend most of your free time hiding out in an air-conditioned shopping mall.
Singapore is also known for its cleanliness, to the point that it’s basically OCD with a country code. The city’s sterility and lack of crime are down to a suite of draconian punishments including a hefty fine for chewing gum, imprisonment for using your neighbour’s wifi or being gay, and death for possession of weed. Pissing in public will see you bundled into a rocket and shot into the sun. Singapore has the highest per capita execution rate in the world — beating even death penalty aficionados Texas — which on the plus side somewhat helps with the overcrowding issue. The compact country is also fond of caning, for offences ranging from murder to overstaying your visa (not a joke), which is great news for S&M enthusiasts.
All in all, Singapore is a great place to visit if you want to get whipped to a pulp in a ratshit Westworld.
Singapore Facts
Population: 5.5 million.
Currency: Singapore dollar.
Language: Singlish.
Demonym: Sinkie.
Also known as: The Fine City - not just for its supposed artificial beauty, but also for the fact that you risk an exorbitant fine for some minor offence every time you step outside.
As seen in: Crazy Rich Asians, an advertisement for how great ‘The Lion City’ is if you aren’t Singa-poor.
Most famous resident: Tila Tequila and Louis Theroux, co-stars of the weirdest sex tape ever.
Did you know? Singapore’s mascot is the merlion, a half-fish, half-lion creature that can only have resulted from a heinous act of bestiality.
Top 10 Things to Do in Singapore
Get botulism at a hawker market
Try a famous Singapore Sling, an overpriced ode to colonialism in a glass
Sample some durian, a fruit that smells like diarrhoea and tastes like it smells
Visit Universal Studios Singapore, which is like Universal Studios Hollywood but shit
Surrender to the Japanese
Try some hallucinogenic cactus at Gardens by the Bay
Go on a night safari to watch some zoo animals bone
Stay in a hotel run by robots
Get fined half a year’s salary for sneezing
Spend your entire ten-day holiday without leaving the airport
15.000 Aussie troops from the 8th Division were captured by the Japs upon the fall of Singapore in 1942
Changi, Singapore 1945. A group of prisoners of war photographed at Changi prisoner of war camp shortly after the surrender of the Japanese.
EDINBURGH
The purported capital of a pretend country, Edinburgh is a drab, depressing cluster of churches, castles and other crap-coloured buildings, crawling with cross-dressing barbarians belting out bruising bagpipe ballads for booze money. When they’re not busking with the most heinous instrument known to man, Edinburgers spend their days whinging about Glasgow, whinging about England, or trying to end it all by overdosing on heroin, hard liquor or deep-fried Mars bars. Despite looking like it should be ‘Edin-berg’, the city’s name actually sounds more like ‘Edin-burrow’, which is appropriate considering most of the population resemble subterranean mole people who only venture to the surface during an eclipse.
Edinburgh has been neatly divided into the ‘Old Town’ (which is fucking old) and the ‘New Town’ (which is also fucking old but not as old as the ‘Old Town’). Centred around a medieval labyrinth of cobbled streets and rapey alleyways, Edinburgh is like Hogwarts if Ron was hooked on smack, Hermione was working on her third abortion and Harry stoved people’s heads in because they supported the wrong Quidditch team.
The city’s most famous landmark is Edinburgh Castle, which is overrun by obese Americans complaining that some bastard had the temerity to build a fortress up a hill instead of conveniently laying it out on one of the flat bits. Edinburgh Castle is home to the Scottish Crown Jewels, which are actually just a half-eaten Toblerone and a used syringe. Another attraction is the statue of Greyfriars Bobby, a Victorian dog famous for guarding his owner's grave for 14 years until his own demise, setting the record for the longest continuous employment by a resident of Edinburgh.
If you get bored in Edinburgh, you should definitely attempt a Scottish accent while intoxicated — there’s nothing local bartenders love more than a tourist who tries to order a pint while sounding like a shitfaced Shrek. If you ‘enjoy’ Edinburgh’s nightlife you will almost certainly be accosted by a whisky nerd who will insist you swill ‘a wee dram’ of the noxious beverage and describe the experience as if you haven’t just gargled lighter fluid.
Edinburgh Facts
Population: 520,000.
Currency: Deep-fried British pound.
Language: Butchered English, Scots.
Demonym: Edinburger.
Also known as: Edinblergh, Edinbugger, Inbredinburgh.
As seen in: Trainspotting, a charming indie film in which some colourful characters engage in the traditional local pastimes of abusing heroin, having sex with minors and failing HIV tests.
Most famous resident: J.K. Rowling, who began writing Harry Potter in an Edinburgh coffee shop after picking up a copy of The Lord of the Rings and thinking ‘I’ll just rewrite that but make the hobbits kids and Gandalf gay’.
Did you know? Edinburgh is famous for inedible ‘delicacies’ such haggis, macaroni pies and deep-fried Mars bars. In fact, Edinburgers will deep-fry anything from a pizza to a placenta providing they can slather it in ‘brown sauce’, a foul condiment with both the consistency and colour of diarrhoea.
Top 10 Things to Do in Edinburgh
Buy some tacky tartan tat from a souvenir shop
Pay a bagpiping busker to stop
Get shouted at in unintelligible English
Drag your carcass up Arthur’s Seat
Gorge yourself on deep-fried entrails
Re-enact Braveheart in a Tesco car park
Get assaulted by a German mime at the Festival Fringe
Get accosted by a hen’s party at Grassmarket
‘Toss your caber’ at the ‘Pubic Triangle’
End up in a coma after sitting in the wrong section at a Hibs-Hearts derby
IBIZA
Ibiza is known as the White Isle, not because of its famous white sandy beaches but for the tsunami of pasty British types who flood the Spanish hotspot in search of sun, sluts and something to snort. ‘White Isle’ also refers to Ibiza’s absolute abundance of cocaine, one of several illicit substances flowing through the veins of every single visitor at any given time.
Ibiza bills itself as the party capital of the world, which means you’ve got a great chance of being sold dud pingas, groped or just plain ripped off. With more drug dealers than cops (not counting the cops who are drug dealers) and more sex predators than drug dealers, Ibiza is basically Mos Eisley if you swapped the Jawas for celebrity DJs who later end up on charges. Ibiza is the island that never sleeps, but does pass out from alcohol poisoning (or drink spiking) on a regular basis.
The main ‘attraction’ of Ibiza is its super clubs, to which tourists flock to purchase overpriced cocktails and see a D-list celebrity push play on a Spotify playlist and twiddle some knobs. It’s a mecca for dance ‘music’, which isn’t actually music but rather a single skull-rattling bass note repeated ad infinitum, a pseudo-genre whose success relies on listeners being too fucked up to realise how awful it is.
Ibiza is also famous for its turquoise water and perfect white sands, a tempting distraction from the monumental hangover you are trying to work off after spending two weeks’ wages in a mega-club trying to get in the pants of a pink-haired barista with herpes. However, any attempt to relax will invariably be foiled by a swarm of local nightclub touts trying to convince you to fork over $50 to jam into one of the aforementioned torture chambers known as ‘clubs’.
If getting bleary-eyed in the Balearics isn’t your cup of ketamine then you could partake in Ibiza’s other main pastime: conspicuous displays of obscene wealth. Impress your other nouveau riche mates by blowing all your hard-earned crypto gains on unfathomably expensive restaurants and ‘luxurious’ five-star hotels.
Fortunately, there are ample employment opportunities in Ibiza, allowing you to pay for your eye-wateringly expensive week of debauchery by becoming a drug mule. If jamming a fistful of pills up your clacker doesn’t appeal then you can always clear your credit card by sucking off a super yacht owner.
Ibiza Facts
Population: 3 residents, 3 million tourists.
Founded: 654 B.C.
Found by tourists: 1975.
Currency: Drugs.
Language: Dance ‘music’.
Also known as: The White Isle, The Devil’s Bleached Arsehole, Hell.
Most famous resident: Sex Pistols bassist Sid Vicious lived in Ibiza as a child, where the constant dance music made him angry enough to become a punk pioneer.
Did you know? According to legend, fifteenth-century soothsayer Nostradamus predicted that Ibiza would be the last place to survive in the event of the apocalypse. Given that he never experienced a night at Amnesia, it’s amazing how accurate he was — after they drop the bombs the only things left standing will be cockroaches and trance DJs.
Top 10 Things to Do in Ibiza
Ecstasy
Cocaine
Ketamine
Alcohol
Cannabis
GHB
LSD
Jenkem
Meth
Snorkelling
LAS VEGAS
Las Vegas is known by the sobriquet ‘Sin City’, an understatement on the level of describing Michael Jackson as ‘fond of children’. An eyesore visible from orbit, Vegas exists for no reason other than befuddling punters with a spectacular array of vices in order to bilk them out of as much money as possible before sending them back to their Midwestern shitholes broke, confused and filled with a bone-deep shame. Visitors to ‘Sin City’ can partake in a fantasy of consequence-free debauchery while racking up massive credit card bills and contracting incurable STDs.
Originally conceived as a playground for Hollywood’s rich and famous, Vegas is now a world-famous monument to excess that caters less to celebrities and more to college kids looking to get off their faces on energy drink cocktails, hen’s parties chundering up cheap champagne, and middle-managers cheating on their wives with male prostitutes. Officially, the city bills itself as the ‘Entertainment Capital of the World’, a bold claim undermined by the fact that it’s the only place on the planet where ventriloquism is considered entertainment. Popular acts include shithouse magicians, over-the-hill pop stars eking out child support payments by belting out decades-old hits at a casino residency, and a couple of gay blokes abusing a tiger.
Vegas manages to combine the authenticity of a breast implant with all the existential horror of a burst breast implant. The place is filled with replicas of famous international landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, the Statue of Liberty and the canals of Venice, allowing obese Americans to tour the globe without leaving the comfort of their mobility scooters.
Rising out of the dusty desert like a nightmarish mirage, Las Vegas is the closest thing to a holy land for Americans. After all, being plied with complimentary cocktails and spending a month’s mortgage payment on a lap dance is the closest thing most Trump voters will come to experiencing an epiphany.
Just remember, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas — except for the herpes!
Las Vegas Facts
Population: 2.4 million.
Founded: 1905.
Currency: US dollar, handjobs.
Language: Something resembling English.
Demonym: Las Vegan.
Also known as: Sin City, Lost Wages.
As seen in: Leaving Las Vegas, in which Nicolas Cage drinks himself to death rather than watch another Cirque du Soleil show.
Most famous resident: Mike Tyson, modern philosopher and part-time cannibal.
Top 10 Things to Do in Las Vegas
Get a quickie marriage officiated by an Elvis impersonator
Get a quickie annulment officiated by an Elvis impersonator
Get alcohol poisoning
Lose your inheritance on a slot machine
Catch E. coli at a themed buffet
Wake up floating in the Bellagio fountain
Bury a hooker in the desert
Get charged a month’s salary for emptying a hotel minibar
Get arrested for trying to publicly recreate a Cirque du Soleil show in the nude
Get gunned down on the Las Vegas Strip after a Mike Tyson fight
BANGKOK
Draped in tangled thickets of power lines and coated in several layers of grime and graffiti, Bangkok is a sprawling collection of filthy buildings, filthy canals, filthy roads choked with filthy vehicles, and filthy streets full of filthy tourists looking for filthy things to do. The city exudes its signature stench of durian, exhaust fumes and open sewers, amplified by oppressive heat and humidity and frequent torrential downpours. It is not a good place to go outside, ever.
Bangkok is essentially a giant red light district with the facade of a city stuck on. Every side street is packed with ageing ‘bar girls’ and ‘masseuses’ yelling clichés at passers-by while their children play on the road, street food stalls selling salmonella, and saggy sex tourists cruising for their kids’ next imported stepmum. The city’s most popular attractions are giant masturbation malls where you can see a ping-pong show that doesn’t involve paddles, marvel at the wonders of gender reassignment surgery or watch a recently trafficked teenager taking a shower in a glass cage. Thailand is known as the ‘Land of Smiles’ because it specialises in happy endings — expect to be offered one at any dodgy massage parlour, respectable massage parlour, restaurant, convenience store or Buddhist temple.
One of the best known tourist areas is Khao San Road, where feral backpackers can buy a tacky T-shirt with a stupid slogan or a naked lady on it, before skolling a bucket of dodgy booze or a shot of snake blood under the pretence of cultural immersion. Another popular activity is being abducted by a tuk-tuk driver who proceeds to take you on a meandering tour of the city’s worst souvenir shops before charging you like a wounded bull. ‘Scamkok’ is notorious for the number of rorts that locals play on visitors who are probably too pissed-up and in search of a cut-rate shag to pay proper attention to the various ways they are being bilked.
Whether you’re a sex tourist or a sex tourist in disguise, Bangkok is a great place to bang cock — but fucking awful the rest of the time.
Bangkok Facts
Population: 8.3 million.
Founded: 1782.
Currency: Thai Baht, happy endings.
Language: Thai, English clichés.
Demonym: Kokbanger.
Also known as: Scamkok, Bongkok, Village of Wild Plums.
As seen in: The Hangover Part II, a forgettable sequel that showcased Bangkok’s better points such as sodomy, muscle relaxants and drug-dealing monkeys.
Most famous resident: The dodgiest you went to school with, probably.
Did you know? Bangkok’s full Thai name is กรุงเทพมหานคร อมรรัตนโกสินทร์ มหินทรายุธยา มหาดิลกภพ นพรัตนราชธานีบูรีรมย์ อุดมราชนิเวศน์มหาสถาน อมรพิมานอวตารสถิต สักกะทัตติยวิษณุกรรมประสิทธิ์, which is still easier to read than the average Trump tweet.
Top 10 Things to Do in Bangkok
Learn to ride a motorbike while holding an umbrella
Get fined for smoking a cigarette
Burn your hand off by touching the river
Get some photos of temples so you can pretend you were there for sightseeing
Get run over by a hundred scooters while trying to cross the road
Ask a monk for a happy ending
Get imprisoned for making fun of the King
Find out how to say ‘herpes medication’ in Thai
Spend the entire day in your air-conditioned hotel room because it’s too hot to go outside
Wake up missing a kidney
Well there you have it....happy shitty holiday !
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