Post by greysrigging on Nov 28, 2022 5:25:43 GMT -5
Some real horrible places, both climatically and socially.
Cast your vote based on the best climate, but of course you can mention the shittyness of the places on the list.
All descriptions 'From the book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online'.
( source: Furphy and Rissole )
GLADSTONE, QLD.
Shit Town: Gladstone:
"Gladstone’s main claim to fame is its position on the edge of the bleached carcass of the Great Barrier Reef, which is what happens when you plonk a gargantuan coal terminal, an alumina refinery, an aluminium smelter and three LNG plants in a World Heritage area, then dredge the fuck out of the seabed and dump the sludge all over the coral. Replete with the ubiquitous stench of caustic and an eerie green sky, the reef-wrecking seaside shitnest of Gladstone exploits its location to lure in tourists, who apparently enjoy swimming with dead dugongs at coaldust-coated beaches in the shadow of hulking industrial monstrosities and emerging from the polluted sea covered in mysterious sores.
Gladstone is primarily inhabited by self-righteous bogan mercenaries who not only think it’s okay to destroy a natural wonder of the world so they can buy an HSV* but also that Australia owes them a debt of gratitude for doing so. The only upside of Gladstone’s environmental vandalism is that the toxic air quickly strips the shiny red paint off these brand-new boganmobiles’ bonnets.
Originally called Port Curtis, the city was renamed Gladstone because you’re only glad to be there if you’re stoned. The poo pit was once promoted as a possible capital of Queensland, but even then it was so shit that the powers that be preferred the burgeoning boganopolis of Brisbane. In 1945, the crew of a US Air Force plane were so disturbed by the sight of Gladstone that they flew headfirst into the ground. These days, the city is conveniently home to a cyanide plant, which should prove useful if the locals ever realise what a disgrace their town is and decide to make a quick exit".
*HSV stands for 'Holden Special Vehicle', a particularly henious now defunct locally manufactured boganmobile ( translation: a vehicle favoured by rednecks )
MORWELL, VIC
Shit Town: Morwell
Strategically hidden in the impenetrable smog of the Latrobe Valley, Morwell is a dull and depressing dump of a town that apparently exists purely to poison its residents. The town is surrounded by coal-fired power plants and mines that pollute the air and destroy the planet so Melburnians can enjoy uninterrupted access to Pornhub. The Hazelwood open-cut mine fire of 2014 blanketed Morwell in a thick layer of smoke, choking the local population—but improving the scenery dramatically. Morwell is also handy to Australia’s largest paper mill, which regularly makes the entire Latrine Valley smell like someone just sharted (which, given Morwellians’ hygiene habits, they probably did). In most shit towns, sucking on bumpers made from scavenged ciggie butts is the preferred method of contracting herpes and lung cancer at the same time—in Morwell, locals need only walk outside and inhale. This makes Morwell’s name rather ironic, as people who live there are actually substantially less well.
Unsurprisingly, the only people willing to live in such a soul-crushing suck shack are the sort of human detritus who have been jettisoned from respectable society. The Bairnsdale train line cuts between the town centre and Centrelink, creating an unusual scenario in which both sides of the tracks are the wrong side. Dumped mattresses, piles of used nappies and discarded sharps line the streets, and there are more couches in front yards than in houses. The comatose CBD consists of welfare services, two-dollar shops and abandoned buildings, the only activity being criminals visiting the justice precinct for processing and the odd ice zombie staggering across an empty road. The town is so dire that even its deadshit kids quickly tire of chucking mainies and instead head off to try to sneak into a bar in nearby Traralgon. Any place that drives someone to visit Traralgon is truly hell on earth.
ARMIDALE, NSW
Shit town: Armidale
New South Wales’ Armidale is known as ‘New England’ because it actually has four seasons, a novelty in Australia. Unfortunately three of those seasons are winter, when the city is pelted with gargantuan hailstones and blanketed in a haze of toxic smoke from wood burners. For balance, Armidale’s fourth season is the kind of sweltering summer that’ll make you positively nostalgic for frostbite and asthma.
Aside from its bipolar climate, Armidale is known for its shit university, the kind of uni that people who can’t get into uni go to - a third-rate diploma mill churning out unemployable graduates in nonsense subjects like basket-weaving and Australian history. The majority of students make the sensible decision to study by distance learning to spare themselves the indignity of actually setting foot in Armidump.
Armidale’s prime selling point is its long and boring history. The main street is called Beardy Street, named for two of the founding settlers who had large beards - a fitting tribute to a pair of proud pioneering women. The city is awash with heritage buildings, though their aesthetic is slightly tarnished by the chicken wire encasing the balconies to prevent Armidallos from piffing beer bottles at passersby. Armidale also hosts the annual Australian Wool Fashion Awards, which showcases the season’s hottest beanies, socks and garish jumpers, attracting nannas from across the nation. There are no entertainment options for normal people.
Notes/- I actually attended the University here back in the day.... The Town site is in a valley, hence the colder min temps, the Airport site is at higher altitude on a plateau to the south of the Town site and has slightly milder min temps.
TOWNSVILLE, QLD
Shit town: Townsville.
"Townsville (or Towntown in English) was named after Robert Towns, a notorious slave trader who was well-known for the practice of ‘blackbirding’, which is Australian for abducting South Sea Islanders and forcing them to work on your sugar cane plantations. In true shit town fashion, Townsville honoured their namesake with a bronze statue for his services to racism.
Townsville has been dubbed the unofficial capital of the ‘Tropical North’ complete with all the horror that entails - oppressive heat, nightmarish disease, and wildlife that devours wayward tourists. And that’s just Flinders Street on a Friday night. Also nicknamed ‘Brownsville’ due to its arid climate rather than the complexion of its residents, Townsville has an annual rainfall comparable to the dustier parts of the Sahara, aside from the handful of days when it’s pelted with the sort of Biblical monsoons that would get Noah’s arsehole twitching.
Unlike its neighbour Cairns, Townsville has not been overwhelmed by tourism - for good reason. Aside from being a Kmart Cairns, Townsville is known as a hotbed of youth crime and car theft, which makes it an ideal place to stop if you want an insurance payout. Townsville is the only place in Australia where every high school has its own youth court, juvenile prison and parole office - the only reason they aren’t all packed is because no one goes to school. The city’s main tourist attraction is Reef HQ, the only living coral reef in captivity - in Townsville, even the reefs are in gaol.
Townsville also has an impressive collection of defunct sports teams, including the A-League’s Northern Fury Football Club (who were not very angry and only vaguely played football) and the Townsville Crocodiles (who managed a staggering zero titles in largely mediocre 23 seasons). The pride of Townsville is the North Queensland Cowboys, who are best known for getting thumped by the Broncos and fingered by John Hopoate."*
*Notes/- John Hopoate was a first grade rugby league player reknowned for fingering the dates of opposition players during tackles....
squackle.com/8545/jokes/john-hopoate-brown-fingers/
FORSTER-TUNCURRY, NSW
Shit Towns: Forster-Tuncurry
"Despite sounding like an overweight detective on a mediocre British dramedy, Forster-Tuncurry is actually a dodgy little beach resort town on the Mid North Coast. A ratshit Gold Coast for yobs from Newcastle, Forster-Tuncurry resembles the Glitter Strip if you deleted all the nightlife, entertainment and anything remotely interesting. Rather than existing as a single shithole, Forster-Tuncurry is actually a pair of conjoined shitters linked by an eyesore of a concrete bridge across Wallis Lake, a double disappointment for anyone foolish enough to book a holiday.
Forster-Tuncurry is a major producer of oysters, which might explain the rampant horniness among the elderly population, who are just as aroused by aphrodisiac shellfish as they are by negative gearing and the twin towns’ abundance of saggy skin. Ironically, during the summer tourist season Forster-Tuncurry’s population swells like a Viagra-induced hard-on and, much like an older gentleman with an artificially induced stiffy, the towns struggle to deal with the sudden rush of excitement. Popular tourist activities include catching herpes from a tradie from Cessnock, stealing an old fart’s mobility scooter or getting in a fistfight with a pelican.
MURRAY bRIDGE, SA
Shit town: Murray Bridge
"Most shit towns derive their names from a colourful bit of local lore or a notorious character. Murray Bridge, on the other hand, is so named because it has a bridge over the Murray River, earning it a brutally banal name that sounds more like a local councillor convicted on sex tourism charges than a bland riverside hamlet. The only way the town could have a less imaginative moniker is if it were renamed Methface McCentrelink. Little wonder then that Murray Bridge is burdened by a barrage of nicknames, from the Boganese ‘Muzza Bizza’ to ‘Murray Fridge’, an allusion to all the ice.
The most popular attraction in Murray Bridge is the Bunyip, a grotesque, screaming mechanical monster and local deity entrapped in a cage of stagnant pond water that visitors pay to see, smell and scare the shit out of their children. The Bunyip was originally created as a cruel and unusual punishment for the town’s numerous juvenile delinquents, but like most things in Murray Bridge, those same delinquents turned the punishment into a perverse sexual rite of passage. Local youths often sport tattoos commemorating their attempts at ‘riding the Bunyip’.
It’s a little-known fact that Murray Bridge was a former residence of Snowtown psychopath John Bunting. While butchering people, Bunting enjoyed playing the Live album Throwing Copper, a record that appropriately includes the song ‘Shit Towne’. It’s unclear whether being mutilated and stuffed into a barrel or being forced to listen to ‘I Alone’ is a bigger crime.
When it isn’t inspiring serial killers, Murray Bridge is also home to a round of the Australian International Paedo Prix, in which a field of sex offenders compete to see who can abduct a child from a playground in the shortest possible time. Other popular activities in Murray Bridge include smoking the ‘bogan saxophone’, joining a bikie gang or getting into a fight in an IGA car park."
Cast your vote based on the best climate, but of course you can mention the shittyness of the places on the list.
All descriptions 'From the book Shit Towns of Australia: The Great Aussie Road Trip, out now in stores and online'.
( source: Furphy and Rissole )
GLADSTONE, QLD.
Shit Town: Gladstone:
"Gladstone’s main claim to fame is its position on the edge of the bleached carcass of the Great Barrier Reef, which is what happens when you plonk a gargantuan coal terminal, an alumina refinery, an aluminium smelter and three LNG plants in a World Heritage area, then dredge the fuck out of the seabed and dump the sludge all over the coral. Replete with the ubiquitous stench of caustic and an eerie green sky, the reef-wrecking seaside shitnest of Gladstone exploits its location to lure in tourists, who apparently enjoy swimming with dead dugongs at coaldust-coated beaches in the shadow of hulking industrial monstrosities and emerging from the polluted sea covered in mysterious sores.
Gladstone is primarily inhabited by self-righteous bogan mercenaries who not only think it’s okay to destroy a natural wonder of the world so they can buy an HSV* but also that Australia owes them a debt of gratitude for doing so. The only upside of Gladstone’s environmental vandalism is that the toxic air quickly strips the shiny red paint off these brand-new boganmobiles’ bonnets.
Originally called Port Curtis, the city was renamed Gladstone because you’re only glad to be there if you’re stoned. The poo pit was once promoted as a possible capital of Queensland, but even then it was so shit that the powers that be preferred the burgeoning boganopolis of Brisbane. In 1945, the crew of a US Air Force plane were so disturbed by the sight of Gladstone that they flew headfirst into the ground. These days, the city is conveniently home to a cyanide plant, which should prove useful if the locals ever realise what a disgrace their town is and decide to make a quick exit".
*HSV stands for 'Holden Special Vehicle', a particularly henious now defunct locally manufactured boganmobile ( translation: a vehicle favoured by rednecks )
MORWELL, VIC
Shit Town: Morwell
Strategically hidden in the impenetrable smog of the Latrobe Valley, Morwell is a dull and depressing dump of a town that apparently exists purely to poison its residents. The town is surrounded by coal-fired power plants and mines that pollute the air and destroy the planet so Melburnians can enjoy uninterrupted access to Pornhub. The Hazelwood open-cut mine fire of 2014 blanketed Morwell in a thick layer of smoke, choking the local population—but improving the scenery dramatically. Morwell is also handy to Australia’s largest paper mill, which regularly makes the entire Latrine Valley smell like someone just sharted (which, given Morwellians’ hygiene habits, they probably did). In most shit towns, sucking on bumpers made from scavenged ciggie butts is the preferred method of contracting herpes and lung cancer at the same time—in Morwell, locals need only walk outside and inhale. This makes Morwell’s name rather ironic, as people who live there are actually substantially less well.
Unsurprisingly, the only people willing to live in such a soul-crushing suck shack are the sort of human detritus who have been jettisoned from respectable society. The Bairnsdale train line cuts between the town centre and Centrelink, creating an unusual scenario in which both sides of the tracks are the wrong side. Dumped mattresses, piles of used nappies and discarded sharps line the streets, and there are more couches in front yards than in houses. The comatose CBD consists of welfare services, two-dollar shops and abandoned buildings, the only activity being criminals visiting the justice precinct for processing and the odd ice zombie staggering across an empty road. The town is so dire that even its deadshit kids quickly tire of chucking mainies and instead head off to try to sneak into a bar in nearby Traralgon. Any place that drives someone to visit Traralgon is truly hell on earth.
ARMIDALE, NSW
Shit town: Armidale
New South Wales’ Armidale is known as ‘New England’ because it actually has four seasons, a novelty in Australia. Unfortunately three of those seasons are winter, when the city is pelted with gargantuan hailstones and blanketed in a haze of toxic smoke from wood burners. For balance, Armidale’s fourth season is the kind of sweltering summer that’ll make you positively nostalgic for frostbite and asthma.
Aside from its bipolar climate, Armidale is known for its shit university, the kind of uni that people who can’t get into uni go to - a third-rate diploma mill churning out unemployable graduates in nonsense subjects like basket-weaving and Australian history. The majority of students make the sensible decision to study by distance learning to spare themselves the indignity of actually setting foot in Armidump.
Armidale’s prime selling point is its long and boring history. The main street is called Beardy Street, named for two of the founding settlers who had large beards - a fitting tribute to a pair of proud pioneering women. The city is awash with heritage buildings, though their aesthetic is slightly tarnished by the chicken wire encasing the balconies to prevent Armidallos from piffing beer bottles at passersby. Armidale also hosts the annual Australian Wool Fashion Awards, which showcases the season’s hottest beanies, socks and garish jumpers, attracting nannas from across the nation. There are no entertainment options for normal people.
Notes/- I actually attended the University here back in the day.... The Town site is in a valley, hence the colder min temps, the Airport site is at higher altitude on a plateau to the south of the Town site and has slightly milder min temps.
TOWNSVILLE, QLD
Shit town: Townsville.
"Townsville (or Towntown in English) was named after Robert Towns, a notorious slave trader who was well-known for the practice of ‘blackbirding’, which is Australian for abducting South Sea Islanders and forcing them to work on your sugar cane plantations. In true shit town fashion, Townsville honoured their namesake with a bronze statue for his services to racism.
Townsville has been dubbed the unofficial capital of the ‘Tropical North’ complete with all the horror that entails - oppressive heat, nightmarish disease, and wildlife that devours wayward tourists. And that’s just Flinders Street on a Friday night. Also nicknamed ‘Brownsville’ due to its arid climate rather than the complexion of its residents, Townsville has an annual rainfall comparable to the dustier parts of the Sahara, aside from the handful of days when it’s pelted with the sort of Biblical monsoons that would get Noah’s arsehole twitching.
Unlike its neighbour Cairns, Townsville has not been overwhelmed by tourism - for good reason. Aside from being a Kmart Cairns, Townsville is known as a hotbed of youth crime and car theft, which makes it an ideal place to stop if you want an insurance payout. Townsville is the only place in Australia where every high school has its own youth court, juvenile prison and parole office - the only reason they aren’t all packed is because no one goes to school. The city’s main tourist attraction is Reef HQ, the only living coral reef in captivity - in Townsville, even the reefs are in gaol.
Townsville also has an impressive collection of defunct sports teams, including the A-League’s Northern Fury Football Club (who were not very angry and only vaguely played football) and the Townsville Crocodiles (who managed a staggering zero titles in largely mediocre 23 seasons). The pride of Townsville is the North Queensland Cowboys, who are best known for getting thumped by the Broncos and fingered by John Hopoate."*
*Notes/- John Hopoate was a first grade rugby league player reknowned for fingering the dates of opposition players during tackles....
squackle.com/8545/jokes/john-hopoate-brown-fingers/
FORSTER-TUNCURRY, NSW
Shit Towns: Forster-Tuncurry
"Despite sounding like an overweight detective on a mediocre British dramedy, Forster-Tuncurry is actually a dodgy little beach resort town on the Mid North Coast. A ratshit Gold Coast for yobs from Newcastle, Forster-Tuncurry resembles the Glitter Strip if you deleted all the nightlife, entertainment and anything remotely interesting. Rather than existing as a single shithole, Forster-Tuncurry is actually a pair of conjoined shitters linked by an eyesore of a concrete bridge across Wallis Lake, a double disappointment for anyone foolish enough to book a holiday.
Forster-Tuncurry is a major producer of oysters, which might explain the rampant horniness among the elderly population, who are just as aroused by aphrodisiac shellfish as they are by negative gearing and the twin towns’ abundance of saggy skin. Ironically, during the summer tourist season Forster-Tuncurry’s population swells like a Viagra-induced hard-on and, much like an older gentleman with an artificially induced stiffy, the towns struggle to deal with the sudden rush of excitement. Popular tourist activities include catching herpes from a tradie from Cessnock, stealing an old fart’s mobility scooter or getting in a fistfight with a pelican.
MURRAY bRIDGE, SA
Shit town: Murray Bridge
"Most shit towns derive their names from a colourful bit of local lore or a notorious character. Murray Bridge, on the other hand, is so named because it has a bridge over the Murray River, earning it a brutally banal name that sounds more like a local councillor convicted on sex tourism charges than a bland riverside hamlet. The only way the town could have a less imaginative moniker is if it were renamed Methface McCentrelink. Little wonder then that Murray Bridge is burdened by a barrage of nicknames, from the Boganese ‘Muzza Bizza’ to ‘Murray Fridge’, an allusion to all the ice.
The most popular attraction in Murray Bridge is the Bunyip, a grotesque, screaming mechanical monster and local deity entrapped in a cage of stagnant pond water that visitors pay to see, smell and scare the shit out of their children. The Bunyip was originally created as a cruel and unusual punishment for the town’s numerous juvenile delinquents, but like most things in Murray Bridge, those same delinquents turned the punishment into a perverse sexual rite of passage. Local youths often sport tattoos commemorating their attempts at ‘riding the Bunyip’.
It’s a little-known fact that Murray Bridge was a former residence of Snowtown psychopath John Bunting. While butchering people, Bunting enjoyed playing the Live album Throwing Copper, a record that appropriately includes the song ‘Shit Towne’. It’s unclear whether being mutilated and stuffed into a barrel or being forced to listen to ‘I Alone’ is a bigger crime.
When it isn’t inspiring serial killers, Murray Bridge is also home to a round of the Australian International Paedo Prix, in which a field of sex offenders compete to see who can abduct a child from a playground in the shortest possible time. Other popular activities in Murray Bridge include smoking the ‘bogan saxophone’, joining a bikie gang or getting into a fight in an IGA car park."
