Post by greysrigging on Jun 3, 2021 18:45:45 GMT -5
Australia's shittiest towns....sigh.....where does one start ? Well, one uses this best selling guide to discover the crappiest towns in each State and Territory of the 'Lucky Country'.
The towns in the poll were voted the Shittiest in each state, not by the Electoral Commission , nor a Gallop or Exit Poll, no indeed, a way more accurate Facebook Poll, so there can be no doubt as to its veracity.
And being primarily a Weather Site here, I've put up the Climate Data for each town, you can vote on either the Climate or the degree of Shittiness in the descriptions.
Notes//- given the readership of the book is Aussie/Kiwi mainly, thought I'd better explain some of the Aussie/Kiwi slang terms used, so as to help you decide on crappyness.
1/- 'Root' - the word that gets USA users in a pickle in Australia, here it means 'fucking', 'screwing', 'shagging', 'humping', 'coitus'. So whenever we hear a US chick say, 'I'm rooting for the LA Lakers', we think, "good girl....."
2/- 'Thongs' - we wear 'em on our feet ( ie flip flops, jandals ), not between our arse cheeks. In Australia, that sorta underwear is called a G-string or G-banger.
3/- 'Dole Bludger' - an unemployed person who could work, but doesn't, and preferes to suckle on the public tit with welfare payments from Centrelink.
4/- 'Centrelink' - a Government welfare agency that hands out money to dole bludgers, single mothers, drug fucked gronks, Aborigines and the like. Try to find you a job too.
5/- 'Gronk' - a dickhead, a tool, a goose, a numpty, an oxygen thief, a fuckwit, a muppet, a drongo, a yobbo all rolled into one. and thats just Aussie politicians !
6/- 'Bogan'- a bogan can be all of the above, can live in town or the bush. An Aussie version of a 'red neck'. Bogans can even become Prime Ministers in egalatarian Australia !
7/- 'ÇUB' - used to be Carlton United Brewery, now it means 'Cashed Up Bogans', multi millionaire blue collar miners from out Woop Woop, west of the black Stump.
8/- 'VB', 'TED's', 'XXXX', 'Emu Export'. - just 4 examples of particularly awful full strength beer favoured by 'Gronks' and 'Bogans'. Oh, not to mention Bundy Rum !
9/- 'Glass BBQ' - whereas once we were a proud nation of drunks, now there is a disgraceful take up of cheap meth, hence, 'pass me the glass BBQ, 'eh Karen' ?
10/- 'See thru didgeridoo' - see above ^^
Logan City, the winner of Australia's shittiest town two years in a row !
"There’s a reason Logan rhymes with ‘bogan’. Fittingly it also rhymes with ‘grogan’, ‘Paul Hogan’ and ‘crime-infested warzone’. Logan’s reputation as a bogan nest is so prevalent that the local council spent millions of dollars on a campaign to change the city’s image - unfortunately, they spent it all on Ugg boots and a container load of XXXX Bitter.
Appropriately named after one of Australia’s most reviled colonial commanders, Logan is wedged between Brisbane and the Gold Coast, making it ideally placed to catch the human dregs of both cities. Its population comprises a motley crew of yobbos, drongos, housos, dole bludgers, crims, and immigrants who thought they were moving to Brisbane. Logan is one of Australia’s most diverse cities - in fact, it has more STD strains than the entire cast of ‘Goldie Shore’ combined.
Common hobbies in Logan include getting shitfaced and hitting someone with a bit of wood, committing ram raids in hotwired Holden Colorados, and intergenerational welfare dependency. A popular venue is the Logan Hyperdome, where flannel-clad rednecks fight to the death over Centrelink payments.
Logan’s standout suburbs are Slacks Creek and Woodridge, twin sprawling slums that host all the panelbeaters, payday lenders, pawn shops and pokies you can menacingly shake a stick at. These suburban hellscapes are also ideal locations for the procurement of illicit substances, with more shoes on powerlines than on feet.
Logan truly is Australia’s city of the future, assuming the future is a post-apocalyptic Mad Max-style nightmare."
Frankston, Victoria's shittiest town.
"Situated in Melbourne’s sphincter, Frankston is known as ‘the gateway to the Mornington Peninsula’ by people who don’t realise that any trip down the M11 is almost certain not to involve an offramp in Frankghanistan. Given the habits of Frankstoners, a more accurate slogan would be ‘the gateway to the morning-after pill’. Indeed, the suburb’s nickname Franga - also slang for condom - is extremely ironic as people who live there think using protection involves carrying knuckledusters and ‘contraception’ is the name of a Leonardo DiCaprio movie. On the other hand, Franga is an appropriate name because Frankston is also used to gather up all the gross shit you don’t want making another human being.
Frankston North (a.k.a. ‘The Pines’) is the proverbial pube in the poo stew, the part of Frankston that even Frankstoners make Frankston jokes about. The Pines boasts a bounty of rub-and-tug joints, endless traffic chicanes and roundabouts to entertain street racers, and ample outdoor spaces for students of rival high schools to engage in fights. Not far away are the nightlife hotspots of the train station (with a free hep-C screening clinic usefully located across the road) and the hospital emergency department. Amid all of the effluent is the affluent enclave of Olivers Hill where Frankston keeps its minority population of rich bastards, conveniently grouped for burglary purposes.
Despite the flesh-eating bacteria in the water, Frankston Beach is a popular social spot for shitfaced sex pests and other miscellaneous maniacs. For 11 years Frankston residents showcased their expertise at manipulating powdery substances with Australia’s biggest sandcastle competition, where locals created massive sand sculptures depicting their favourite things such as giant dongs, crack pipes and Centrelink application forms. The event was moved to a new location in 2018 after a judge was pricked by a used needle embedded in a mermaid.
Fun fact: Frankston is also famous for its series of serial killers. In fact, Frankston was named after Frank ‘the Al Fresco Murderer’ Butler, Australia’s first serial killer."
Port Pirie, South Australia's shittiest town ( even more shitty than Port Augusta ! )
"Sitting (and shitting) on a polluted tidal river replete with lead-poisoned dolphins, the seaside smelter town of Port Pirie possesses all the charm of a soiled man-nappy. The South Australian shithole is home to the world’s largest lead smelter, an operation so significant that its stack is the highest structure in the state, billowing clouds of toxic fumes like a bogan Eye of Sauron. The smelter employs 10% of the town’s population, making lead manufacturing the second most common job in Port Pirie after ‘unemployed’ at 11%. 4% work in animal husbandry, which in South Australia is exactly what it sounds like.
Aside from producing copious amounts of heavy metals, Port Pirie’s smelter also poisons the town’s sea, air and drinking water, resulting in a population of braindead lead-heads. This causes developmental difficulties resulting in all manner of antisocial behaviour, as evidenced by elevated levels of racism and country music, the preservation of a mural of notorious sex pest Rolf Harris, and the large lady who famously flashed her K-cups at the Google Street View car. Low-lying Port Pirie proves that you don’t need hills to have hillbillies.
Should you ever find yourself in the Chernobyl of the South, be sure to wear a full hazmat suit, avoid any and all contact with locals, and whatever you do, don’t drink the water."
Kalgoorlie, the shittiest town in Western Australia
"Ever since the 1890s, Kalgoorlie has been known as the ‘Wild West’ - a dusty desert shithole full of criminals and prostitutes who had been cast out of polite society, essentially making Kalgoorlie Australia’s Australia. Roving bands of delinquent youth spend their days getting wrecked on goon sacks, huffing solvents outside Kmart and getting run over by bogans in utes. This carnage was captured for posterity in the reality TV series ‘Kalgoorlie Cops’ in which pissed-up P-platers did burnouts in their Dads’ HSVs and evaded the local constabulary by driving into lamp posts.
The most popular tourist attraction in Kalgoorlie is ‘The Super Pit’, a massive gouge in the earth dedicated to one of Australia’s favourite pastimes - raping the earth for shiny things that can be sold to China. Aside from sitting on the precipice of a big stonking hole, Kalgoorlie’s main attraction is a tin shack called the ‘Two-Up School’ which teaches Kalgoorlites how to throw a couple of coins in the air. Due to the average intelligence of the local population, courses last several years.
Nightlife in Kalgoorlie centres around the notorious Hay Street, home to several brothels and even a brothel museum for the more cultured Kalgoorlian. The city’s classy watering holes are known for their traditional ‘skimpies nights’, where bikini-clad barmaids serve overpriced beer to male miners in jizz-stained overalls. Unfortunately for the sex-starved inhabitants of Kalgoorlie, most of these skimpies are flashing their norks in an outback backwater because they’ve been spat out the bottom of the more respectable elements of the sex industry.
‘Kalgoorlie’ originally meant ‘place of the silky pears or bush bananas’, but in a misguided rebranding attempt it is now hyphenating its name as Kalgoorlie-Boulder like your uncle’s fourth wife. The town was to be the capital of a proposed new state called ‘Auralia’, which sounds like someone trying to say ‘Australia’ with a mouthful of bush bananas. It’s fair to say no one is mourning the missed opportunity.
Tennant Creek, of all the Territory's shitholes, this was voted the shittiest.
"No trip to the NT is complete without taking in the outback outhouse called Tennant Creek. Conveniently located in the middle of fucking nowhere, the town is popular with everyone from morbid dark tourists to senile grey nomads, to backpackers who are intent on disappearing without a trace.
Accommodation options are plentiful: from campgrounds with 12-foot razor-wire-tipped walls, to concrete motel rooms with barred windows, you can tailor your stay based on your own personal prison preference! Or for an authentic Tennant Creek experience, why not stay with a local in the trash-strewn tin shed they call home?
The experience doesn’t end there, as any adventure outside of your rented cell will immediately immerse you in the colourful atmosphere of Tennant Creek, which usually involves witnessing a resident defecating in the middle of the road before you are bottled by a semi-conscious solvent sniffer. If you’re lucky, you may even be invited to a fight by a child with measles and a makeshift weapon. When conversing with a local, be sure to refer to them by the affectionate demonym ‘BITCH’, an acronym for ‘Born In Tennant Creek Hospital’.
Tennant Creek is famous for its spectacular scenery, which includes world-class examples of rock formations, car wrecks and rusting cyclone fences. If a friendly local offers to show you the Devils Marbles, Nobles Nob or The Shaft, don’t worry - he’s not about to flop out his genitals, but is offering to take you to see a bunch of boring boulders, a big hole in the ground and a closed nightclub. Don’t miss a visit to a local bottle shop, where you can purchase a single box or bottle of booze during one of six three-hour windows per week. Note that it is traditional to queue up all morning until the industrial-strength roller doors creak open at 4 p.m.
One of the most popular events in Tennant Creek is a rodeo, where locals take a break from abusing each other to abuse some animals. Another crowd pleaser is Australia’s premier go-karting event, held on a circuit through the town’s streets. One day, locals hope to own cars.
Queenstown, a truly shitty town on a shitty island ( Tasmania ) with the added bonus of a shitty climate !
"Buried deep in Tasmania’s terrifying western wastelands, the nightmarish hellhole of Queenstown could not be more incongruous with its regal moniker. The living museum of misery comprises a cluster of dilapidated hovels and abandoned shacks with mangy dogs chained up outside, perching on the precipice of an abandoned copper mine, surrounded by slag heaps and adorned with a polluted poo-filled river. Despite being prone to incessant rain, Queenstown’s tap water is brown and undrinkable. Decades of deforestation, sulphurous smelter fumes and topsoil erosion have rendered the area’s hills a barren moonscape. Famously featuring a gravel footy oval because grass refuses to grow there, Queenstown is a great place to visit if you get off on mass-scale ecological vandalism. Locals are so proud of their desolate wasteland that they have opposed revegetation attempts. Queenstown is not so much a town as an inhabited environmental disaster.
Despite being a half-abandoned soggy little slum, Queenstown’s understandably cheap housing attracts undesirables from all over Australia, including extreme hermits who can’t handle the hustle and bustle of Hobart and extreme hillbillies who require extra privacy for nefarious habits like marrying their siblings or eating tourists. The town’s defunct mining business has been replaced by a fledgling tourism industry, predicated entirely on befuddled travellers ending up there by accident after trying to reach the New Zealand tourist trap of the same name. The dismal little village was strategically built in a hole amongst the mountains to hinder escape - visitors are forced to negotiate a rollercoaster road with over 90 hair-raising bends just to get out of the place."
A third-world shithole as quaint as a yeast infection, Queeftown is a foolproof recipe for instant depression.
Nimbin, NSW's shittiest !
"If you’re venturing through northern New South Wales and see a sign welcoming you to Nimbin, run for the surrounding hills. The anarchic enclave is inhabited by feral packs of cannibalistic anti-vaxxer chemtrail conspiracy theorist mountain hippies, to whom local law enforcers have long since conceded defeat. You can identify these dangerous creatures by their retina-burning tie-dye shirts, knee-length dreadlocks and made-in-China Tibetan hats. Do not engage with the Nimbinese, do not share their weed, and whatever you do, do not purchase their tacky T-shirts or home-crocheted bong cosies - this will only encourage them to peddle more pointless crap and discourage them from having a shower and getting a job.
The permanently-stoned citizens of the country’s cannabis capital can seem initially charming, but things will quickly take a sinister turn if you get too close to a Nimrod - it’s all too common for naive tourists to wander into an innocent-looking drum circle only to find some waster with the munchies munching on their leg. Remember, if bitten by a Nimbinian, you too will become a Nimbinian and will soon be overwhelmed by an insatiable lust for human flesh and an irrational urge to play with devil sticks.
The most perilous times to visit town are during the annual Nimbin MardiGrass festival, when droves of drug-fucked hippies descend from their mountain hideaways or gluten-free Byron Bay cafes to smoke inhuman amounts of weed in public, or during the Nimbin Roots Fest, which is the same thing but with music. If you must Visit Nimbin during these times or any other, be sure to carry a can of hippie repellent, also known as deodorant.
Nimbin: Not Even Once."
Its such a shit place I have to use climate stats from nearby Lismore.
Canberra, ACT, the habitat of shitty politicians.
"Existing solely as a last resort capital compromise between Sydney and Melbourne, Canberra somehow manages to be Australia’s smut capital and most boring city at the same time. It’s known for being the country’s only ‘planned’ city, with the unfortunate consequence that its neatly ordered streets and sprawling suburbs that stretch halfway to Sydney have rendered the nation’s capital an antiseptic bore with all the charm of a failed Soviet state. It’s also the only city to have been evicted from a state, with New South Wales creating the bullshit pretend territory of ACT just so it could wash its hands of Canberra.
The planned city received a whole slew of idiotic proposed names that somehow made ‘Canberra’ seem like a good option, including Home, Austral, Andy Man, Unison and Frazer Roo. One joker even proposed the horrific portmanteau ‘Sydmeladlperho’, a name so massively shithouse it might have actually been able to accurately reflect Canberra's shitness. Instead, the powers-that-were plumped for ‘Canberra’, a name derived from the Aboriginal ‘Nganbara’ meaning ‘boobs’, an appropriate nod to its sleazy reputation.
Populated entirely by overpaid and underworked bureaucrats, parasitic scandal-embroiled politicians, ex-Prime Ministers, soon-to-be ex-Prime Ministers, sweaty porn barons, Chinese spies and kangaroos, Canberra is a town that celebrates flagrant corruption, rampant nepotism and beige blandness. The ethnically homogenous burg is renowned for revelling in the sort of culture that people only pretend to like so they can root uni students. The most prominent attractions are snooze-inducing dusty museums and stuffy art galleries, great fun for pseudo-intellectual dryballs (of which Canberra has an abundance) and punishment for everyone else. Canberra’s lack of nightlife means they are only able to attract rugby league players who aren’t interested in hanging out with outlaw bikie gangs or getting into public brawls, which is probably why they haven’t won a comp since 1994. All this might explain why the two most popular weekend activities in Canberra are ‘going to Sydney’ and ‘going to Melbourne’.
There are only three reasons to visit Canberra: for a mandatory school trip, to roll the Prime Minister, or on a nefarious mish to Fyshwick. Originally built as a concentration camp for German prisoners in 1918, the eerily uninhabited suburb of Fyshwick is a great place to buy a used car to do a drive-by, a shipment of no-longer-legal fireworks or a bale of hardcore pornography. Fyshwick was once Australia’s undisputed porn mecca, which is why Canberra is known as the ‘Bush Capital’. The sordid little muckhole is also home to a shopping centre called COC, appropriately located on Iron Knob Street. Fyshwick's influence is evident throughout the city: Belconnen proudly hosts an infamous penis-shaped owl sculpture (bit.ly/penisowl), while Canberra celebrated its centenary in 2013 by constructing a giant hot air balloon covered in tits (bit.ly/tittywhale)."
Canberra: Pyongyang in the Bush.
The towns in the poll were voted the Shittiest in each state, not by the Electoral Commission , nor a Gallop or Exit Poll, no indeed, a way more accurate Facebook Poll, so there can be no doubt as to its veracity.
And being primarily a Weather Site here, I've put up the Climate Data for each town, you can vote on either the Climate or the degree of Shittiness in the descriptions.
Notes//- given the readership of the book is Aussie/Kiwi mainly, thought I'd better explain some of the Aussie/Kiwi slang terms used, so as to help you decide on crappyness.
1/- 'Root' - the word that gets USA users in a pickle in Australia, here it means 'fucking', 'screwing', 'shagging', 'humping', 'coitus'. So whenever we hear a US chick say, 'I'm rooting for the LA Lakers', we think, "good girl....."
2/- 'Thongs' - we wear 'em on our feet ( ie flip flops, jandals ), not between our arse cheeks. In Australia, that sorta underwear is called a G-string or G-banger.
3/- 'Dole Bludger' - an unemployed person who could work, but doesn't, and preferes to suckle on the public tit with welfare payments from Centrelink.
4/- 'Centrelink' - a Government welfare agency that hands out money to dole bludgers, single mothers, drug fucked gronks, Aborigines and the like. Try to find you a job too.
5/- 'Gronk' - a dickhead, a tool, a goose, a numpty, an oxygen thief, a fuckwit, a muppet, a drongo, a yobbo all rolled into one. and thats just Aussie politicians !
6/- 'Bogan'- a bogan can be all of the above, can live in town or the bush. An Aussie version of a 'red neck'. Bogans can even become Prime Ministers in egalatarian Australia !
7/- 'ÇUB' - used to be Carlton United Brewery, now it means 'Cashed Up Bogans', multi millionaire blue collar miners from out Woop Woop, west of the black Stump.
8/- 'VB', 'TED's', 'XXXX', 'Emu Export'. - just 4 examples of particularly awful full strength beer favoured by 'Gronks' and 'Bogans'. Oh, not to mention Bundy Rum !
9/- 'Glass BBQ' - whereas once we were a proud nation of drunks, now there is a disgraceful take up of cheap meth, hence, 'pass me the glass BBQ, 'eh Karen' ?
10/- 'See thru didgeridoo' - see above ^^
Logan City, the winner of Australia's shittiest town two years in a row !
"There’s a reason Logan rhymes with ‘bogan’. Fittingly it also rhymes with ‘grogan’, ‘Paul Hogan’ and ‘crime-infested warzone’. Logan’s reputation as a bogan nest is so prevalent that the local council spent millions of dollars on a campaign to change the city’s image - unfortunately, they spent it all on Ugg boots and a container load of XXXX Bitter.
Appropriately named after one of Australia’s most reviled colonial commanders, Logan is wedged between Brisbane and the Gold Coast, making it ideally placed to catch the human dregs of both cities. Its population comprises a motley crew of yobbos, drongos, housos, dole bludgers, crims, and immigrants who thought they were moving to Brisbane. Logan is one of Australia’s most diverse cities - in fact, it has more STD strains than the entire cast of ‘Goldie Shore’ combined.
Common hobbies in Logan include getting shitfaced and hitting someone with a bit of wood, committing ram raids in hotwired Holden Colorados, and intergenerational welfare dependency. A popular venue is the Logan Hyperdome, where flannel-clad rednecks fight to the death over Centrelink payments.
Logan’s standout suburbs are Slacks Creek and Woodridge, twin sprawling slums that host all the panelbeaters, payday lenders, pawn shops and pokies you can menacingly shake a stick at. These suburban hellscapes are also ideal locations for the procurement of illicit substances, with more shoes on powerlines than on feet.
Logan truly is Australia’s city of the future, assuming the future is a post-apocalyptic Mad Max-style nightmare."
Frankston, Victoria's shittiest town.
"Situated in Melbourne’s sphincter, Frankston is known as ‘the gateway to the Mornington Peninsula’ by people who don’t realise that any trip down the M11 is almost certain not to involve an offramp in Frankghanistan. Given the habits of Frankstoners, a more accurate slogan would be ‘the gateway to the morning-after pill’. Indeed, the suburb’s nickname Franga - also slang for condom - is extremely ironic as people who live there think using protection involves carrying knuckledusters and ‘contraception’ is the name of a Leonardo DiCaprio movie. On the other hand, Franga is an appropriate name because Frankston is also used to gather up all the gross shit you don’t want making another human being.
Frankston North (a.k.a. ‘The Pines’) is the proverbial pube in the poo stew, the part of Frankston that even Frankstoners make Frankston jokes about. The Pines boasts a bounty of rub-and-tug joints, endless traffic chicanes and roundabouts to entertain street racers, and ample outdoor spaces for students of rival high schools to engage in fights. Not far away are the nightlife hotspots of the train station (with a free hep-C screening clinic usefully located across the road) and the hospital emergency department. Amid all of the effluent is the affluent enclave of Olivers Hill where Frankston keeps its minority population of rich bastards, conveniently grouped for burglary purposes.
Despite the flesh-eating bacteria in the water, Frankston Beach is a popular social spot for shitfaced sex pests and other miscellaneous maniacs. For 11 years Frankston residents showcased their expertise at manipulating powdery substances with Australia’s biggest sandcastle competition, where locals created massive sand sculptures depicting their favourite things such as giant dongs, crack pipes and Centrelink application forms. The event was moved to a new location in 2018 after a judge was pricked by a used needle embedded in a mermaid.
Fun fact: Frankston is also famous for its series of serial killers. In fact, Frankston was named after Frank ‘the Al Fresco Murderer’ Butler, Australia’s first serial killer."
Port Pirie, South Australia's shittiest town ( even more shitty than Port Augusta ! )
"Sitting (and shitting) on a polluted tidal river replete with lead-poisoned dolphins, the seaside smelter town of Port Pirie possesses all the charm of a soiled man-nappy. The South Australian shithole is home to the world’s largest lead smelter, an operation so significant that its stack is the highest structure in the state, billowing clouds of toxic fumes like a bogan Eye of Sauron. The smelter employs 10% of the town’s population, making lead manufacturing the second most common job in Port Pirie after ‘unemployed’ at 11%. 4% work in animal husbandry, which in South Australia is exactly what it sounds like.
Aside from producing copious amounts of heavy metals, Port Pirie’s smelter also poisons the town’s sea, air and drinking water, resulting in a population of braindead lead-heads. This causes developmental difficulties resulting in all manner of antisocial behaviour, as evidenced by elevated levels of racism and country music, the preservation of a mural of notorious sex pest Rolf Harris, and the large lady who famously flashed her K-cups at the Google Street View car. Low-lying Port Pirie proves that you don’t need hills to have hillbillies.
Should you ever find yourself in the Chernobyl of the South, be sure to wear a full hazmat suit, avoid any and all contact with locals, and whatever you do, don’t drink the water."
Kalgoorlie, the shittiest town in Western Australia
"Ever since the 1890s, Kalgoorlie has been known as the ‘Wild West’ - a dusty desert shithole full of criminals and prostitutes who had been cast out of polite society, essentially making Kalgoorlie Australia’s Australia. Roving bands of delinquent youth spend their days getting wrecked on goon sacks, huffing solvents outside Kmart and getting run over by bogans in utes. This carnage was captured for posterity in the reality TV series ‘Kalgoorlie Cops’ in which pissed-up P-platers did burnouts in their Dads’ HSVs and evaded the local constabulary by driving into lamp posts.
The most popular tourist attraction in Kalgoorlie is ‘The Super Pit’, a massive gouge in the earth dedicated to one of Australia’s favourite pastimes - raping the earth for shiny things that can be sold to China. Aside from sitting on the precipice of a big stonking hole, Kalgoorlie’s main attraction is a tin shack called the ‘Two-Up School’ which teaches Kalgoorlites how to throw a couple of coins in the air. Due to the average intelligence of the local population, courses last several years.
Nightlife in Kalgoorlie centres around the notorious Hay Street, home to several brothels and even a brothel museum for the more cultured Kalgoorlian. The city’s classy watering holes are known for their traditional ‘skimpies nights’, where bikini-clad barmaids serve overpriced beer to male miners in jizz-stained overalls. Unfortunately for the sex-starved inhabitants of Kalgoorlie, most of these skimpies are flashing their norks in an outback backwater because they’ve been spat out the bottom of the more respectable elements of the sex industry.
‘Kalgoorlie’ originally meant ‘place of the silky pears or bush bananas’, but in a misguided rebranding attempt it is now hyphenating its name as Kalgoorlie-Boulder like your uncle’s fourth wife. The town was to be the capital of a proposed new state called ‘Auralia’, which sounds like someone trying to say ‘Australia’ with a mouthful of bush bananas. It’s fair to say no one is mourning the missed opportunity.
Tennant Creek, of all the Territory's shitholes, this was voted the shittiest.
"No trip to the NT is complete without taking in the outback outhouse called Tennant Creek. Conveniently located in the middle of fucking nowhere, the town is popular with everyone from morbid dark tourists to senile grey nomads, to backpackers who are intent on disappearing without a trace.
Accommodation options are plentiful: from campgrounds with 12-foot razor-wire-tipped walls, to concrete motel rooms with barred windows, you can tailor your stay based on your own personal prison preference! Or for an authentic Tennant Creek experience, why not stay with a local in the trash-strewn tin shed they call home?
The experience doesn’t end there, as any adventure outside of your rented cell will immediately immerse you in the colourful atmosphere of Tennant Creek, which usually involves witnessing a resident defecating in the middle of the road before you are bottled by a semi-conscious solvent sniffer. If you’re lucky, you may even be invited to a fight by a child with measles and a makeshift weapon. When conversing with a local, be sure to refer to them by the affectionate demonym ‘BITCH’, an acronym for ‘Born In Tennant Creek Hospital’.
Tennant Creek is famous for its spectacular scenery, which includes world-class examples of rock formations, car wrecks and rusting cyclone fences. If a friendly local offers to show you the Devils Marbles, Nobles Nob or The Shaft, don’t worry - he’s not about to flop out his genitals, but is offering to take you to see a bunch of boring boulders, a big hole in the ground and a closed nightclub. Don’t miss a visit to a local bottle shop, where you can purchase a single box or bottle of booze during one of six three-hour windows per week. Note that it is traditional to queue up all morning until the industrial-strength roller doors creak open at 4 p.m.
One of the most popular events in Tennant Creek is a rodeo, where locals take a break from abusing each other to abuse some animals. Another crowd pleaser is Australia’s premier go-karting event, held on a circuit through the town’s streets. One day, locals hope to own cars.
Queenstown, a truly shitty town on a shitty island ( Tasmania ) with the added bonus of a shitty climate !
"Buried deep in Tasmania’s terrifying western wastelands, the nightmarish hellhole of Queenstown could not be more incongruous with its regal moniker. The living museum of misery comprises a cluster of dilapidated hovels and abandoned shacks with mangy dogs chained up outside, perching on the precipice of an abandoned copper mine, surrounded by slag heaps and adorned with a polluted poo-filled river. Despite being prone to incessant rain, Queenstown’s tap water is brown and undrinkable. Decades of deforestation, sulphurous smelter fumes and topsoil erosion have rendered the area’s hills a barren moonscape. Famously featuring a gravel footy oval because grass refuses to grow there, Queenstown is a great place to visit if you get off on mass-scale ecological vandalism. Locals are so proud of their desolate wasteland that they have opposed revegetation attempts. Queenstown is not so much a town as an inhabited environmental disaster.
Despite being a half-abandoned soggy little slum, Queenstown’s understandably cheap housing attracts undesirables from all over Australia, including extreme hermits who can’t handle the hustle and bustle of Hobart and extreme hillbillies who require extra privacy for nefarious habits like marrying their siblings or eating tourists. The town’s defunct mining business has been replaced by a fledgling tourism industry, predicated entirely on befuddled travellers ending up there by accident after trying to reach the New Zealand tourist trap of the same name. The dismal little village was strategically built in a hole amongst the mountains to hinder escape - visitors are forced to negotiate a rollercoaster road with over 90 hair-raising bends just to get out of the place."
A third-world shithole as quaint as a yeast infection, Queeftown is a foolproof recipe for instant depression.
Nimbin, NSW's shittiest !
"If you’re venturing through northern New South Wales and see a sign welcoming you to Nimbin, run for the surrounding hills. The anarchic enclave is inhabited by feral packs of cannibalistic anti-vaxxer chemtrail conspiracy theorist mountain hippies, to whom local law enforcers have long since conceded defeat. You can identify these dangerous creatures by their retina-burning tie-dye shirts, knee-length dreadlocks and made-in-China Tibetan hats. Do not engage with the Nimbinese, do not share their weed, and whatever you do, do not purchase their tacky T-shirts or home-crocheted bong cosies - this will only encourage them to peddle more pointless crap and discourage them from having a shower and getting a job.
The permanently-stoned citizens of the country’s cannabis capital can seem initially charming, but things will quickly take a sinister turn if you get too close to a Nimrod - it’s all too common for naive tourists to wander into an innocent-looking drum circle only to find some waster with the munchies munching on their leg. Remember, if bitten by a Nimbinian, you too will become a Nimbinian and will soon be overwhelmed by an insatiable lust for human flesh and an irrational urge to play with devil sticks.
The most perilous times to visit town are during the annual Nimbin MardiGrass festival, when droves of drug-fucked hippies descend from their mountain hideaways or gluten-free Byron Bay cafes to smoke inhuman amounts of weed in public, or during the Nimbin Roots Fest, which is the same thing but with music. If you must Visit Nimbin during these times or any other, be sure to carry a can of hippie repellent, also known as deodorant.
Nimbin: Not Even Once."
Its such a shit place I have to use climate stats from nearby Lismore.
Canberra, ACT, the habitat of shitty politicians.
"Existing solely as a last resort capital compromise between Sydney and Melbourne, Canberra somehow manages to be Australia’s smut capital and most boring city at the same time. It’s known for being the country’s only ‘planned’ city, with the unfortunate consequence that its neatly ordered streets and sprawling suburbs that stretch halfway to Sydney have rendered the nation’s capital an antiseptic bore with all the charm of a failed Soviet state. It’s also the only city to have been evicted from a state, with New South Wales creating the bullshit pretend territory of ACT just so it could wash its hands of Canberra.
The planned city received a whole slew of idiotic proposed names that somehow made ‘Canberra’ seem like a good option, including Home, Austral, Andy Man, Unison and Frazer Roo. One joker even proposed the horrific portmanteau ‘Sydmeladlperho’, a name so massively shithouse it might have actually been able to accurately reflect Canberra's shitness. Instead, the powers-that-were plumped for ‘Canberra’, a name derived from the Aboriginal ‘Nganbara’ meaning ‘boobs’, an appropriate nod to its sleazy reputation.
Populated entirely by overpaid and underworked bureaucrats, parasitic scandal-embroiled politicians, ex-Prime Ministers, soon-to-be ex-Prime Ministers, sweaty porn barons, Chinese spies and kangaroos, Canberra is a town that celebrates flagrant corruption, rampant nepotism and beige blandness. The ethnically homogenous burg is renowned for revelling in the sort of culture that people only pretend to like so they can root uni students. The most prominent attractions are snooze-inducing dusty museums and stuffy art galleries, great fun for pseudo-intellectual dryballs (of which Canberra has an abundance) and punishment for everyone else. Canberra’s lack of nightlife means they are only able to attract rugby league players who aren’t interested in hanging out with outlaw bikie gangs or getting into public brawls, which is probably why they haven’t won a comp since 1994. All this might explain why the two most popular weekend activities in Canberra are ‘going to Sydney’ and ‘going to Melbourne’.
There are only three reasons to visit Canberra: for a mandatory school trip, to roll the Prime Minister, or on a nefarious mish to Fyshwick. Originally built as a concentration camp for German prisoners in 1918, the eerily uninhabited suburb of Fyshwick is a great place to buy a used car to do a drive-by, a shipment of no-longer-legal fireworks or a bale of hardcore pornography. Fyshwick was once Australia’s undisputed porn mecca, which is why Canberra is known as the ‘Bush Capital’. The sordid little muckhole is also home to a shopping centre called COC, appropriately located on Iron Knob Street. Fyshwick's influence is evident throughout the city: Belconnen proudly hosts an infamous penis-shaped owl sculpture (bit.ly/penisowl), while Canberra celebrated its centenary in 2013 by constructing a giant hot air balloon covered in tits (bit.ly/tittywhale)."
Canberra: Pyongyang in the Bush.
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