Australia's Shittiest Towns Part 2
Aug 11, 2022 20:49:28 GMT -5
Ariete, alex992, and 3 more like this
Post by greysrigging on Aug 11, 2022 20:49:28 GMT -5
Following up on a previous thread re shit towns in AU.....so many shit places to see...( sigh )
PORT HEDLAND, WA
Situated in north-west Who Cares, Port Hedland is a derelict minerals discharge hole dressed up as a town. The iron anus owes its name to its turd-brown eyesore of a port, the proliferation of substance enthusiasts offering ‘head’ on its streets, and its inhabitants’ inability to spell. Isolated, full of flies and ferals and hot as all buggery, the prospect of living in the Pilbara poo pit is about as enticing as a proposition from Gina Rinehart.
Port Hedland promotes itself as the sunniest place in Australia, a dubious honour that’s a bit like claiming to be the coldest village in the Arctic or the most incestuous town in Tasmania. Cattle and sheep farming was once a major industry for the town, but this ended when the animals all withered to a crisp. The only fauna able to survive Port Deadland’s intense heat are creatures like red-necked stints, red-necked avocets and red-necked people. The town is also home to the Australian bustard and plenty of Australian bastards.
Port Hedland’s main industries are shitting out iron ore, digging holes and dole bludging. Popular pastimes include racing wheelbarrows, smashing people’s solar panels and being hospitalised with a respiratory infection caused by iron ore dust. The town hosted a beachfront boat-people prison from 1991 to 2004 that is now a hotel—the number of people staying has significantly dropped since the locks were removed.
COOBER PEDY, SA
Coober Pedy was named from the Aboriginal ‘Kupa-Piti’ meaning ‘white man’s hole’, which couldn’t be more appropriate. It’s also appropriate that the anglicised name evokes South Australia’s unfortunate predilection for paedophilia, but Coober Pedy is a town fond of a different kind of miner as the self-proclaimed opal mining capital of the world. Consequently, the town is populated entirely by toothless, leathery opal noodlers. Popular pastimes include pillaging the earth of its precious minerals, looking at a spaceship from a Vin Diesel movie that sits on a patch of dirt next to a public toilet, and dying of heatstroke.
Situated in the middle of the South Australian outback, Coober Pedy is a post-apocalyptic hellscape so inhospitable to human life that its only inhabitants huddle in subterranean shelters like the survivors of a thermonuclear conflagration. Above ground it’s a ghost town, a dusty dystopian wasteland littered with bits of rusted metal, used syringes, tumbleweed, and flea-bitten feral dogs baking in the sun while they wait for death. The only greenery in Coober Pedy is in plastic bags hidden under mattresses in its denizens’ prison-like bunkers, and the only tree to be seen is a lifeless scrap iron sculpture that looms ominously over the town. Fittingly, this distinctive landscape has featured in a slew of motion pictures, from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome to Priscilla, Queen of the Desert to the aptly named Until the End of the World. If someone wanted a glimpse into Australia’s future after it has been rendered an uninhabitable husk by the ravages of global warming then they could do a lot worse than visiting Coober Pedy.
PENRITH, NSW
A bunker of blue-collar (or no-collar) bogans at the base of the Blue Mountains, Penrith is a super-slum notorious for its population of feral housos, yobbos and other ruffians. Despite the loose nature of its inmates, the Greater Western Sydney suburb is actually replete with amenities that any westie can truly appreciate: bespoke meth labs, palatial pokie dens and loads of wilderness in which to hide a body. The Penrith uniform consists of a mullet or rat’s tail, ugg boots and a flannel shirt with a pack of Winnie Blues tucked into the upper sleeve (unisex) with a Southern Cross tattoo on either the bicep (for men) or the right breast (for women). The most popular pastime involves proud Aussie primary school dropouts moaning that they can barely make their next meth payment because educated immigrants took all the jobs.
Penrith is commonly known by locals as ‘Penriff’ or ‘The Riff’ due to the local accent/speech impediment, a source of constant confusion for Sydneysiders passing through on their way to Liffgow or Baffurst. The suburb’s most popular sports team is the Penrith Panthers, or in local parlance, the ‘Panfers’. The NRL team originally carried the derisive nickname ‘the Chocolate Soldiers’, which interestingly, given the make-up of their fan base, was not a racist slur but actually a reference to their shit-coloured jerseys.
Penrith is also home to the Museum of Fire, a tribute to the suburb’s long tradition of urban arson.
MOUNT GAMBIER, SA
Mount Gambier is best known for its pillars of limestone and mountains of meth. It’s South Australia’s ice capital, and not just because its winter is cold enough to freeze off your dangly bits. The city’s most notorious neighbourhood is the ‘Crack Sac’, a cluster of housing commission cul-de-sacs known as a residential mecca for illicit substances—the Westfield Marion of drugs.
As well as housing enough ice to sink the Titanic, Mount Gambier is also South Australia’s boredom capital, with the most popular pastime being laboriously doing mainies while waiting for the mountain to explode again and drown the town in lava and ash like some kind of bogan Pompeii. The surrounding area is pockmarked by a plague of caves, sinkholes and other abysses for unfortunate tourists to stare into and contemplate the meaninglessness of existence and the folly of their decision to visit. One of the largest sinkholes is Hells Hole, not to be confused with the town of Mount Gambier, which is a hellhole. The second biggest hole in the area—after the town—is the Blue Lake, which was discovered and named by early explorer Captain James Obvious. Despite its name, the Blue Lake is only blue in summer; at other times it is known as Murky Grey Lake.
Mount Gambier promotes itself with the slogan ‘City Meets Country’, which means it has both ice and incest. Another popular slogan is ‘Mount Gambier: Gateway to the Limestone Coast and Meth Addiction’.
DALBY, QLD
Most regional towns spruik themselves with the old cliché ‘where city meets country’. Dalby is more ‘where country meets country’ (or more accurately, ‘where incest meets boredom’). The town has a rich rural diversity, which means it stinks of at least four different types of animal shit. Dalby is so dull it makes the nearby retirement home of Toowoomba look like Surfers Paradise during schoolies (only with more pill-popping and even more orgies). Dalbatians’ main activities are growing grain to convert into alcohol and consuming the fruits of their labour in copious quantities to numb the existential horror of living in Dalby.
Dalby was largely settled by migrants from the Isle of Man in the mid-nineteenth century. However, the population didn’t really take off until migrants started arriving from the Isle of Woman. The town found a purpose in the early 1900s when it was used by the state government as a gulag for tuberculosis patients. In 1904, the council opened therapeutic thermal baths using artesian water from a local bore, which then closed in 1938 when people decided it was better to treat their ailments with medicine rather than by sitting in tepid water with a bunch of disease-addled Dalbetics (this modern twentieth-century wisdom is yet to reach New South Wales’ Northern Rivers).
Most towns have war memorials or statues of their founders. Dalby has a monument to the South American cactus moth, expressing the town’s gratitude to the insect for wiping out a plant they didn’t like. The ‘Mothument’ is one of two places in Dalby listed as tourist attractions on Wikipedia, along with the local cemetery. The best attraction is actually the road out of there, but being largely one lane and riddled with potholes, that’s also shit.
NEWCASTLE, NSW
Founded as a dumping ground for Britain’s most dangerous convicts, Newcastle’s notoriety as a godforsaken shithole still lingers two centuries later. Named after Newcastle in England, New South Wales’ second-largest settlement has done its best to replicate its namesake’s reputation as a depressing post-industrial hellscape famous for its aggressive locals, impenetrable local dialect and crap football team. The city’s inmates pretentiously refer to themselves as ‘Novocastrians’, despite the fact that none of them can spell it.
Newcastle’s main industries are filling the atmosphere with toxic smog, pillaging the earth and complaining about people from Sydney. ‘The Steel City’ is so fond of its working-class image that even its footy team wears hi-vis. The only things that emit more smoke than the stacks are the droves of deros lining the CBD accosting passers-by for a durry.
Despite its blue-collar reputation, Newcastle is propped up by a plethora of public service jobs, making it less of a ‘bogan Pittsburgh’ and more of a ‘sooty Canberra’. Other Novocastrations include surfers (stoners), musos (junkies) and footy jocks (’roiders), all decked out in ‘Newcastle sports coats’ (jizz-stained flannelette shirts).
Newcastle is exceptionally proud of its NRL team the Knights, despite the fact that they haven’t made the finals since 2013 (or roughly six prime ministers ago). In addition to their impressive collection of wooden spoons, the club is most famous for almost going bust after being bought by a bogan billionaire, while their best player is mostly known for doing enough pingers to kill a whole wisdom of wombats.
Until recently Newcastle’s biggest attraction was a massive penis-shaped tower, which the council demolished out of sheer embarrassment in 2018. The city now has nothing to promote other than the rusted carcass of a port with a decrepit CBD welded on, rows of abandoned shops and the country’s biggest KFC. Hunter Street Mall and Marketown are popular bashing hotspots, while Fort Scratchley and Strzelecki Lookout are where most Novocumstains are conceived.
PORT HEDLAND, WA
Situated in north-west Who Cares, Port Hedland is a derelict minerals discharge hole dressed up as a town. The iron anus owes its name to its turd-brown eyesore of a port, the proliferation of substance enthusiasts offering ‘head’ on its streets, and its inhabitants’ inability to spell. Isolated, full of flies and ferals and hot as all buggery, the prospect of living in the Pilbara poo pit is about as enticing as a proposition from Gina Rinehart.
Port Hedland promotes itself as the sunniest place in Australia, a dubious honour that’s a bit like claiming to be the coldest village in the Arctic or the most incestuous town in Tasmania. Cattle and sheep farming was once a major industry for the town, but this ended when the animals all withered to a crisp. The only fauna able to survive Port Deadland’s intense heat are creatures like red-necked stints, red-necked avocets and red-necked people. The town is also home to the Australian bustard and plenty of Australian bastards.
Port Hedland’s main industries are shitting out iron ore, digging holes and dole bludging. Popular pastimes include racing wheelbarrows, smashing people’s solar panels and being hospitalised with a respiratory infection caused by iron ore dust. The town hosted a beachfront boat-people prison from 1991 to 2004 that is now a hotel—the number of people staying has significantly dropped since the locks were removed.
COOBER PEDY, SA
Coober Pedy was named from the Aboriginal ‘Kupa-Piti’ meaning ‘white man’s hole’, which couldn’t be more appropriate. It’s also appropriate that the anglicised name evokes South Australia’s unfortunate predilection for paedophilia, but Coober Pedy is a town fond of a different kind of miner as the self-proclaimed opal mining capital of the world. Consequently, the town is populated entirely by toothless, leathery opal noodlers. Popular pastimes include pillaging the earth of its precious minerals, looking at a spaceship from a Vin Diesel movie that sits on a patch of dirt next to a public toilet, and dying of heatstroke.
Situated in the middle of the South Australian outback, Coober Pedy is a post-apocalyptic hellscape so inhospitable to human life that its only inhabitants huddle in subterranean shelters like the survivors of a thermonuclear conflagration. Above ground it’s a ghost town, a dusty dystopian wasteland littered with bits of rusted metal, used syringes, tumbleweed, and flea-bitten feral dogs baking in the sun while they wait for death. The only greenery in Coober Pedy is in plastic bags hidden under mattresses in its denizens’ prison-like bunkers, and the only tree to be seen is a lifeless scrap iron sculpture that looms ominously over the town. Fittingly, this distinctive landscape has featured in a slew of motion pictures, from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome to Priscilla, Queen of the Desert to the aptly named Until the End of the World. If someone wanted a glimpse into Australia’s future after it has been rendered an uninhabitable husk by the ravages of global warming then they could do a lot worse than visiting Coober Pedy.
PENRITH, NSW
A bunker of blue-collar (or no-collar) bogans at the base of the Blue Mountains, Penrith is a super-slum notorious for its population of feral housos, yobbos and other ruffians. Despite the loose nature of its inmates, the Greater Western Sydney suburb is actually replete with amenities that any westie can truly appreciate: bespoke meth labs, palatial pokie dens and loads of wilderness in which to hide a body. The Penrith uniform consists of a mullet or rat’s tail, ugg boots and a flannel shirt with a pack of Winnie Blues tucked into the upper sleeve (unisex) with a Southern Cross tattoo on either the bicep (for men) or the right breast (for women). The most popular pastime involves proud Aussie primary school dropouts moaning that they can barely make their next meth payment because educated immigrants took all the jobs.
Penrith is commonly known by locals as ‘Penriff’ or ‘The Riff’ due to the local accent/speech impediment, a source of constant confusion for Sydneysiders passing through on their way to Liffgow or Baffurst. The suburb’s most popular sports team is the Penrith Panthers, or in local parlance, the ‘Panfers’. The NRL team originally carried the derisive nickname ‘the Chocolate Soldiers’, which interestingly, given the make-up of their fan base, was not a racist slur but actually a reference to their shit-coloured jerseys.
Penrith is also home to the Museum of Fire, a tribute to the suburb’s long tradition of urban arson.
MOUNT GAMBIER, SA
Mount Gambier is best known for its pillars of limestone and mountains of meth. It’s South Australia’s ice capital, and not just because its winter is cold enough to freeze off your dangly bits. The city’s most notorious neighbourhood is the ‘Crack Sac’, a cluster of housing commission cul-de-sacs known as a residential mecca for illicit substances—the Westfield Marion of drugs.
As well as housing enough ice to sink the Titanic, Mount Gambier is also South Australia’s boredom capital, with the most popular pastime being laboriously doing mainies while waiting for the mountain to explode again and drown the town in lava and ash like some kind of bogan Pompeii. The surrounding area is pockmarked by a plague of caves, sinkholes and other abysses for unfortunate tourists to stare into and contemplate the meaninglessness of existence and the folly of their decision to visit. One of the largest sinkholes is Hells Hole, not to be confused with the town of Mount Gambier, which is a hellhole. The second biggest hole in the area—after the town—is the Blue Lake, which was discovered and named by early explorer Captain James Obvious. Despite its name, the Blue Lake is only blue in summer; at other times it is known as Murky Grey Lake.
Mount Gambier promotes itself with the slogan ‘City Meets Country’, which means it has both ice and incest. Another popular slogan is ‘Mount Gambier: Gateway to the Limestone Coast and Meth Addiction’.
DALBY, QLD
Most regional towns spruik themselves with the old cliché ‘where city meets country’. Dalby is more ‘where country meets country’ (or more accurately, ‘where incest meets boredom’). The town has a rich rural diversity, which means it stinks of at least four different types of animal shit. Dalby is so dull it makes the nearby retirement home of Toowoomba look like Surfers Paradise during schoolies (only with more pill-popping and even more orgies). Dalbatians’ main activities are growing grain to convert into alcohol and consuming the fruits of their labour in copious quantities to numb the existential horror of living in Dalby.
Dalby was largely settled by migrants from the Isle of Man in the mid-nineteenth century. However, the population didn’t really take off until migrants started arriving from the Isle of Woman. The town found a purpose in the early 1900s when it was used by the state government as a gulag for tuberculosis patients. In 1904, the council opened therapeutic thermal baths using artesian water from a local bore, which then closed in 1938 when people decided it was better to treat their ailments with medicine rather than by sitting in tepid water with a bunch of disease-addled Dalbetics (this modern twentieth-century wisdom is yet to reach New South Wales’ Northern Rivers).
Most towns have war memorials or statues of their founders. Dalby has a monument to the South American cactus moth, expressing the town’s gratitude to the insect for wiping out a plant they didn’t like. The ‘Mothument’ is one of two places in Dalby listed as tourist attractions on Wikipedia, along with the local cemetery. The best attraction is actually the road out of there, but being largely one lane and riddled with potholes, that’s also shit.
NEWCASTLE, NSW
Founded as a dumping ground for Britain’s most dangerous convicts, Newcastle’s notoriety as a godforsaken shithole still lingers two centuries later. Named after Newcastle in England, New South Wales’ second-largest settlement has done its best to replicate its namesake’s reputation as a depressing post-industrial hellscape famous for its aggressive locals, impenetrable local dialect and crap football team. The city’s inmates pretentiously refer to themselves as ‘Novocastrians’, despite the fact that none of them can spell it.
Newcastle’s main industries are filling the atmosphere with toxic smog, pillaging the earth and complaining about people from Sydney. ‘The Steel City’ is so fond of its working-class image that even its footy team wears hi-vis. The only things that emit more smoke than the stacks are the droves of deros lining the CBD accosting passers-by for a durry.
Despite its blue-collar reputation, Newcastle is propped up by a plethora of public service jobs, making it less of a ‘bogan Pittsburgh’ and more of a ‘sooty Canberra’. Other Novocastrations include surfers (stoners), musos (junkies) and footy jocks (’roiders), all decked out in ‘Newcastle sports coats’ (jizz-stained flannelette shirts).
Newcastle is exceptionally proud of its NRL team the Knights, despite the fact that they haven’t made the finals since 2013 (or roughly six prime ministers ago). In addition to their impressive collection of wooden spoons, the club is most famous for almost going bust after being bought by a bogan billionaire, while their best player is mostly known for doing enough pingers to kill a whole wisdom of wombats.
Until recently Newcastle’s biggest attraction was a massive penis-shaped tower, which the council demolished out of sheer embarrassment in 2018. The city now has nothing to promote other than the rusted carcass of a port with a decrepit CBD welded on, rows of abandoned shops and the country’s biggest KFC. Hunter Street Mall and Marketown are popular bashing hotspots, while Fort Scratchley and Strzelecki Lookout are where most Novocumstains are conceived.
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