The World's Shittiest Holiday Destinations ( part 2 )
Oct 5, 2022 1:41:49 GMT -5
ilmc90, đđżMörönđđż, and 3 more like this
Post by greysrigging on Oct 5, 2022 1:41:49 GMT -5
Some more holiday destinations from hell.
Best climate in these shitty places ?
TOKYO
Tokyo is like your weird cousin who works in I.T. â he owns all the best gadgets and is obsessed with obscure cartoons but nobody is going to be surprised when he ends up on charges.
The capital of everyoneâs favourite WWII runner-up, Tokyo is famous as a city where the past meets the future, which means itâs the only place in the world where you can find a robot geisha or an origami buttplug. While it does feature more traditional temples and gardens than you can shake a bĆ staff at, itâs best known to travellers as a glistening megalopolis jam-packed with gleaming skyscrapers, blaring neon billboards and the sort of cutting-edge fuck machines that will fulfil even the most depraved desires.
Tokyo has gone all-in on this innovation in perversion, resulting in everything from tentacle porn to vending machines that dispense soiled panties. Itâs a popular destination for sexually frustrated Western males, whether melancholy middle-aged men trying to live out Lost in Translation, or dopey deviants who have spent far too long jacking off to anime looking for a compliant coquette to cosplay Sexy Pikachu with. Sexpats are made to feel more at home than ever by throngs of local perverts in business suits making a beeline for blowjob bars, and weirdly sexualised game shows where families can win a yearâs groceries by guessing how many anal beads can fit inside a daschund.
Aside from getting stuck into some seriously shady sex stuff, the most popular pastime in Tokyo is working yourself to death. If that doesnât work, thereâs always Aokigahara, kamikaze or seppuku. Other popular activities include being dragged to your death by a ghost child that inhabits a haunted well, or stomped on by a giant monster.
One of Tokyoâs most iconic sights is Shibuya Crossing â a.k.a. Times Square on crack â making Japan one of the few places where a congested intersection is considered a tourist attraction. Other attractions include Tokyo Disneyland, and a blatant Eiffel Tower copy called the Tokyo Tower, the least original tourist attraction since Tokyo Disneyland. Tokyo is also famous for robot restaurants and animal cafes â if youâve ever wanted to be served some sushi by a glorified iPad or slurp up some ramen while hanging out with a bunch of hedgehogs, then Tokyo is your place. But we all know youâre really here to fuck a robot.
Tokyo Facts
Population: 14 million.
Founded: 1869.
Currency: Pokémon.
Language: Japanese, butchered American clichés.
Demonym: Tokémon.
Also known as: Future Robot Apocalypse Ground Zero.
As seen in: Any number of Godzilla films in which an oversized irradiated reptile kicks down a bunch of buildings after being infuriated by Tokyoâs property prices.
Most famous resident: Professional weirdo Yoko Ono.
Did you know? A popular shopping strip in Tokyo is Takeshita Street. Other options include Doapissa Road and Havewanka Avenue.
Top 10 Things to Do in Tokyo:
Watch two morbidly obese dudes in big nappies try to squash each other to death
Get nude with a bunch of strangers in a bathhouse
Peruse some futuristic fuck machines at Akihabara Electric Town
Eat some raw fish complete with parasitic worms
Taste some endangered sea mammal for scientific purposes
Get wrecked on sake in a karaoke bar
Pick a fight with a karate master
Crash a Mario Kart into a Sega store
Get deported for having tattoos
Try to bring back a samurai sword in your carry-on
Climate
The former city of Tokyo and the majority of Tokyo prefecture lie in the humid subtropical climate zone (Köppen climate classification Cfa),[68] with hot, humid summers and mild to cool winters with occasional cold spells.
ATHENS
The cradle of Western civilisation and the birthplace of democracy, philosophy and buggery, Athens is the perfect place to distract yourself from the collapse of society by sifting through the remains of another failed culture. Unfortunately, these days Greece is less famous for social evolution and more for political unrest, air pollution and nearly triggering a global financial collapse.
As the centre of the Ancient Greek world, Athens is stuffed to the gills with remnants of its once great glory including the Parthenon (or at least the bits the Brits couldnât stuff in their ships and fuck off back to Britain with), the Temple of Olympian Zeus (mythologyâs favourite Harvey Weinstein) and any number of other piles of rubble that used to be something quite impressive. In ancient times Athens was famous as a home to great minds such as Plato, Socrates and Archimedes. Unfortunately, in modern times it is home to hordes of street kids hocking cheap Chinese-made souvenirs, packs of rabid dogs and the odd political and/or football rioter.
Athens was home to the first modern Olympic Games, which means you can visit the Panathenaic Stadium and follow in the footsteps of old timey athletes. Just a note that if you choose to authentically replicate the original Greek Olympics by running the track nude, you may be arrested â or at least invited to one of the many, many orgies known to break out in Athens at all hours of the day.
When âthe Glorious Cityâ isnât getting high on the fumes of its ancient glory or descending into a post-apocalyptic wasteland, itâs pretty good at bilking the phalanx of clueless tourists who pile in off cruise ships in search of authentic Greek culture, only to find themselves at a plate-smashing show at a tourist trap restaurant serving greasy gyros. In the city that produced Sophocles and Aeschylus, the hââeight of culture now consists of a kebab with chips in it.
If you are unfortunate enough to spend much time in Athens, youâll quickly find out why âGreekâ is slang for getting rooted in the bum.
Athens Facts
Population: 3.2 million.
Founded: Fucking ages ago.
Currency: Tzatziki.
Language: No idea â itâs all Greek to me.
Demonym: Ath-hole.
Also known as: The Cradle of Western Civilisation, Ass-thens.
As seen in: Boy on a Dolphin (1957), a tribute to Athensâ rather liberal sexual attitudes.
Most famous resident: Pericles, the only politician to rock a welding helmet until Scott Morrison.
Did you know? Athens is considered the birthplace of democracy, so we have Athens to thank for Donald Trump, Adolf Hitler and Boris Johnson.
Top 10 Things to Do in Athens
Smuggle yourself into the country in a big wooden horse
Pass through as quickly as possible on your way to a selfie binge in Santorini
Melt your face off in mainland Europeâs hottest city
Choke on wildfire smoke
Choke on polluted air from ships
Choke on overpriced meze
Get run down by one of the many, many terrible Greek drivers who treat commuting like an extreme sport
Spew your guts out on a sailing trip
Nick a bit of the Acropolis as a souvenir
Get wrecked on ouzo and miss your flight home
Climate
Athens has a hot-summer Mediterranean climate (Köppen climate classification: Csa). Athens is the hottest city in mainland Europe and according to the Hellenic National Meteorological Service the Athens Basin is also the warmest area of Greece with an average annual temperature of 19.8 °C (67.6 °F). The dominant feature of Athens' climate is alternation between prolonged hot and dry summers and mild, wetter winters with moderate rainfall.
NEW ORLEANS
Despite being wedged into Americaâs taint, New Orleans is famous for its âold world ambienceâ which is fitting if by âold world ambienceâ you mean dirty streets, crumbling facades and a slew of communicable diseases that had previously been eradicated by modern medicine.
The biggest attraction in New Orleans is Bourbon Street, which is essentially Disneyland for adults only Mickey is wrecked on ketamine, Goofy picks your pocket while you are having a sneaky chunder and Minnie is trying to get you to pay double for anal.
Popular activities on Bourbon Street include public urination, drinking comically oversized overproof cocktails out of novelty vessels and punching a police horse. While on Bourbon Street you can enjoy New Orleansâ signature cocktail, the Hurricane, which is a bit like getting shitfaced on a 'Volcanic Explosion' in Pompeii.
New Orleans is also the spiritual home of jazz music, which is the worst kind of music only enjoyed by nebbish hipsters, ageing womanisers and elevator DJs. Jazz is often cited as the only native American art form, conveniently overlooking serial killing, corporate welfare and invading Third World nations for their natural resources.
New Orleans loves to come up with cutesy local names for everyday things â a poâ boy is a sandwich, a muffuletta is a sandwich and NOPD is systemic racism. Aside from all the local variations of meat between bread, the local cuisine ranges from the horrifying (king cake) to the artery-clogging (jambalaya) and diabetes-inducing (beignets). New Orleans natives have not met a dish they won't deep fry, coat in sugar or stuff into a pigâs anus (or possibly all three at once).
The most famous event on the New Orleans social calendar is Mardi Gras, a fortnight-long celebration of debauchery that allows the ordinarily uptight residents to let their hair down. The centrepiece of Mardi Gras is the parade where revellers dress in gaudy costumes and stampede through the French Quarter, getting blind drunk and hurling strings of beads at any half-cut skank who lifts her shirt.
New Orleans: just say N.O.!
New Orleans Facts
Population: 344,000.
Founded: 1718.
Currency: Beads (Mardi Gras and anal).
Language: English, Pretend French.
Also known as: NOLA, Norlens, Nawlins, The Big Sleazy, Ew Orleans, Hurricane Katrinaâs Bitch.
As seen in: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, in which a young man gets so wrecked at Mardi Gras he starts ageing backwards.
Most famous resident: Nicolas Cage, Americaâs favourite vampire and future New Orleans celebrity cemetery occupant. If you are lucky you might see the Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance star filming another one of his latest âhitsâ in order to pay for his rampant dinosaur egg habit.
Top 10 Things to Do in New Orleans
Get a voodoo curse put on your ex
Get alcohol poisoning after smashing six novelty cocktails
Lose an eye to a Mardi Gras throw
Get run down by a parade float
Get mugged in an historic cemetery
Die of boredom at a jazz âperformanceâ
Get mugged on a streetcar
Wake up on the wrong side of the river
Get mugged during a parade
Watch the Saints lose
Climate
The climate of New Orleans is humid subtropical (Köppen: Cfa), with short, generally mild winters and hot, humid summers; in the 1991-2020 climate normals the USDA hardiness zone is 9b.
PRAGUE
Prague is one of Europeâs most popular tourist destinations, despite the fact that it is boring as batshit and no one can locate it on a map. The Czech capitalâs premier attractions include a bridge, a road, a hill and a clock. While Prague also boasts a collection of castles to delight old people and giant nerds alike, one of the most striking buildings is the three-decades-young Dancing House, which disappointingly is not a strip club but rather a pair of melted office buildings. Just as the worldâs most boring people insist on being called dumb nicknames, so too has Europeâs most boring city amassed a multitude of monikers throughout the years including âthe Mother of Citiesâ, âthe Golden Cityâ, âthe Heart of Europeâ, âthe City of a Hundred Spiresâ, âBudget Munichâ, âShit Parisâ, âHome Brand Amsterdamâ and âBohemian Crap Cityâ.
As well as geriatrics and geeks, Prague is a magnet for perverts. The place is full of Russian prostitutes (which is weird because most European cities are full of Czech prostitutes). Along with cheap beer, this makes Prague a popular stag do destination, meaning it is often overrun with drunken British boofheads pissing, shitting and barfing on every bare surface. If Prague really is âthe Mother of Citiesâ, then the father must be some feral joint like Bristol or Newcastle.
Prague was the site of the Velvet Revolution, which sounds like a sick dance party but was actually the non-violent transfer of power from the Communist Party of Czechoslovakia. One of the symbols of the Velvet Revolution was jingling keys to show support, which makes it sound less like a dance party and more like a low-rent orgy. The city is also renowned for the âDefenestrations of Pragueâ, a series of historical events in which political figures were tossed out of windows to their death. While in Prague, itâs best to stay on the ground floor if you donât want to be murdered in the most hilarious way possible.
Prague Facts
Population: 1.3 million.
Founded: Circa 8th century.
Currency: Koruna, beer.
Language: Czech.
Demonym: Prazan.
Also known as: The Mother of Cities, the Golden City, the Heart of Europe, the City of a Hundred Spires, Alcohopolis, Budget Munich, Shit Paris, Poor Zurich, Boring Amsterdam, Every Backpackerâs Plan B, Bohemian Crap City.
As seen in: xXx, Vin Dieselâs unfortunate foray into the world of hardcore pornography.
Most famous resident: Franz Kafka, tubercular misfit and surrealist novelist with a penchant for anthropomorphic cockroaches.
Did you know? In 2018, a restorer painted all his mates into the artwork of the 600-year-old Prague astronomical clock. No one noticed for four years.
Top 10 Things to Do in Prague
Walk across the Charles Bridge
Walk back across the Charles Bridge
Ask for a lap dance at the Dancing House
Take a beer bath so you can smell like an authentic alcoholic
Take a piss off a bridge and try to hit a river boat
Get Eiffel Towered by a couple of Scottish perverts on a stag weekend
Buy a kidney at the Prague International Organ Festival
Catch âthe Prague plagueâ from a âPraguestituteâ
Watch a council worker lop touristsâ padlocks off the Loversâ Bridge and toss them in the river
Get shot by the John Lennon Wall
Climate
Prague has an oceanic climate (Köppen: Cfb)[64][65] with humid continental (Dfb) influences, defined as such by the 0 °C (32 °F) isotherm.[66] The winters are relatively cold with average temperatures at about freezing point, and with very little sunshine. Snow cover can be common between mid-November and late March although snow accumulations of more than 20 cm (8 in) are infrequent. There are also a few periods of mild temperatures in winter. Summers usually bring plenty of sunshine and the average high temperature of 24 °C (75 °F). Nights can be quite cool even in summer, though. Precipitation in Prague is rather low (just over 500 mm [20 in] per year) since it is located in the rain shadow of the Sudetes and other mountain ranges.
RIO DE JANERIO
Famous for poverty, promiscuity and political corruption, Rio de Janeiro manages to combine stunning beach vistas with rampant street crime and flagrant destitution, making it the perfect destination if you want to get crippling sunburn and a new STD while also dodging stray bullets and gangs of murderous pre-teens.
As the premier tourist trap in a country whose greatest contribution to science is pubic waxing, itâs not surprising that the Brazilian city is a favourite destination of sex pests the world over. Copacabana Beach is the perfect spot for a pervert to enjoy an overpriced cocktail and a public hand shandy while watching locals with botched butt implants frolic in their barely-there bikinis. The highlight of Rioâs calendar is Carnival, a treasured tradition that largely revolves around surgically enhanced human sex dolls in the worldâs most elaborate stripper garb twerking their ample arses at families who are just trying to chow down their churros in peace.
Rio is menaced by the iconic âChrist the Redeemerâ, the fourth largest statue of Jesus in the world and the only one that looks like he is a DJ lording over a crowd full of pinga rats just as he is about to drop the beat. The statue is most famous for losing its fingers to lightning strikes, perhaps indicating that the Almighty isnât too fond of his only son looking like a ratshit TiĂ«sto.
Founded by the Portuguese (the Pepsi of colonial powers), Rio offers tourists the opportunity to peruse the wreckage of colonialism in a pleasant tropical setting. A must-see is the cityâs famous favelas, world-renowned slums ruled over by gangs of adolescent Scarfaces that serve as the perfect backdrop to any number of Hollywood films, Pitbull music videos and violent abductions. Since 2016, visitors can also enjoy wading through the monkey-infested ruins of abandoned Olympic venues.
While in Rio, donât forget to have a go at Brazilâs favourite pastimes: samba, football and mass deforestation.
Top 10 Things to Do in Rio de Janeiro
Destroy your pubes
Destroy a rainforest
Play a game of futevĂłlei a.k.a. volleyball without hands a.k.a. the dumbest sport known to man
Get high and climb the Big Jesus
Fight a monkey
Drop a loaf at Sugarloaf Mountain
Fight an anaconda
Catch Zika
Fight a toucan
Get kidnapped and murdered when your parents refuse to pay the ransom
CARDIFF
The Welsh are the descendents of the original inhabitants of the British Isles that the Romans couldnât be buggered conquering. These oppressively polite natives have returned the favour by greeting visitors with the sort of unstinting hospitality that almost certainly serves to obscure some dire goings-on. Itâs unclear what they are up to, but it almost certainly involves interfering with animals and probably a bit of cannibalism. Fond of rugby, romancing sheep and speaking with an accent that makes them sound like theyâve recently taken a knock to the head, the Welsh are very much the New Zealanders of the north.
Walesâ capital is Cardiff, a soggy bore that offers all the dreary atmosphere of Huddersfield combined with the stultifying dullness of Sunderland. The cityâs premier attractions are a selection of grey things, such as crumbling castles and guano-coated statues. One of the most popular is the Animal Wall, a sculptured fortification outside Cardiff Castle featuring 15 animals rendered in 3D for the sexual arousal of local residents.
Aside from rugby, Walesâ other national sport is problem drinking, something that can be either witnessed or indulged in anywhere in Cardiff at any time. Most street signs feature the Welsh language â which famously looks like what would happen if you randomly smashed your head into a bag of Scrabble tiles â making it difficult to figure out if you are intoxicated at the best of times.
Cardiff is also famous as the filming location of Dr. Who, so if you happen to see a nattily dressed hobo being chased down the street by some angry mailboxes, then you havenât had a stroke but likely just stumbled across filming for the latest season.
With all the glamour of a gumboot full of diarrhoea, Cardiff has everything you need for a shit holiday. At least it has the minor consolation of not being Swansea, Llanelli or, God forbid, Neath.
Cardiff Facts
Population: 367,000.
Founded: Circa 1100.
Currency: British pound, daffodils, leeks.
Language: Nobody knows.
Demonym: Carduffer.
Also known as: The City of Arcades, The Diff, Cardi D, Shardiff, Lardiff.
As seen in: Dr. Who. The BBC was able to save on CGI and prosthetics by casting locals as extraterrestrials.
Most famous resident: Roald Dahl grew up in Cardiff, inspiring his book The Twits.
Did you know? Every Cardiff residentâs surname is Jones, Thomas or Williams. If they claim they have a different surname then they are lying.
Top 10 Things to Do in Cardiff
A sheep
A goat
A cow
Another sheep
A pig
A chicken
A close blood relative
A horse
A donkey
Visit Cardiff Castle
Climate
Cardiff, in the north temperate zone, has a maritime climate (Köppen: Cfb) marked by mild weather that is often cloudy, wet and windy. Summers tend to be warm and sunny, with average maxima between 19 and 22 °C (66 and 72 °F). Winters are fairly wet, but excessive rainfall as well as frost are rare. Spring and autumn feel similar and the temperatures tend to stay above 14 °C (57 °F) â also the average annual daytime temperature. Rain is unpredictable at any time of year, although showers tend to be shorter in summer.
VENICE
Famous as the âFloating Cityâ, Venice promises a romantic gondola ride into a medieval fantasy replete with elegant masques, quaint canals and resplendent palaces. This overlooks that the palaces are crumbling, a masque is just a fancy opportunity to commit sexual assault and âcanalâ is Italian for âpiss-filled gutterâ. Indeed, much of Veniceâs charm rests on the sheer arrogance of building ostentatious marble palaces on a shonky artificial archipelago in the middle of a lagoon, a feat that in retrospect seems less like an amazing engineering accomplishment than an affront to God.
Much of Veniceâs alleged allure rests on its numerous canals, a series of muddy ditches filled with stagnant water and raw sewage, which is probably why most of the word âcanalâ is âanalâ. If people were actually interested in canals, then Birmingham would be the romantic capital of the UK rather than the capital of interminable boredom.
Modern Venice is like the façade of a rundown casino without the actual casino, which is a shame because some slot machines and weather-beaten waitresses in ill-fitting cocktail dresses might actually break the unending slog of ornate churches and palaces. One of Veniceâs most famous tourist attractions is the Bridge of Sighs, which is exactly what youâll do when youâre handed the bill at any of the âdelightfulâ local restaurants set up to gouge tourists.
Despite being a decrepit shithole that reeks of fish and mildew, Venice is swamped by a torrent of tourists every day of the year. The narrow bridges and cramped walkways are filled with oversized cruise ship passengers trying to squeeze their way through tight passages like kidney stones forcing their way out of a swollen urethra. The city has responded to this threat by implementing turnstiles and an admission fee like some kind of shithouse Disneyland, as well as a series of draconian anti-tourist punishments, including deportation for making coffee in public and the death penalty for using a selfie stick. The only saving grace is the fact that the whole shambles is slowly subsiding beneath the waves and will shortly be doing its best impression of Atlantis.
Venice Facts
Population: 260,000.
Founded: 421 A.D.
Currency: Euro, counterfeit handbags.
Language: Venitian, Italian.
Also known as: The City of Canals, The (Barely) Floating City, Penice.
As seen in: Death in Venice, a title that will seem much more reasonable after youâve actually visited.
Most famous resident: Casanova, notorious lothario and venereal disease aficionado.
Did you know? Due to Veniceâs unique geography, the numerous pickpockets typically use jet skis as getaway vehicles.
Top 10 Things to Do in Venice
Drag your luggage through the labyrinth of foot-busting cobbled âstreetsâ
Trudge through arse-deep water after a light rain or high tide
Get swarmed by diseased pigeons in St Markâs Square
Contract the bubonic plague
Overpay for week-old seafood and soggy pasta at a âquaintâ restaurant
Initiate an orgy at a masquerade ball
Dodge floating turds and tampons on a âromanticâ gondola ride
Get devoured by mosquitos
Fall in a canal while trying to take the perfect Insta-selfie
Get fined a yearâs salary for having a swim
Climate
According to the Köppen climate classification, Venice has a mid-latitude, four season humid subtropical climate (Cfa), with cool, humid winters and warm, slightly mild summers with high humidity. The 24-hour average temperature in January is 3.3 °C (37.9 °F), and for July this figure is 23.0 °C (73.4 °F). Precipitation is spread relatively evenly throughout the year, and averages 748 millimetres (29.4 in); snow isn't a rarity between late November and early March. During the most severe winters, the canals and parts of the lagoon can freeze, but with the warming trend of the past 30â40 years, the occurrence has become rarer.
Best climate in these shitty places ?
TOKYO
Tokyo is like your weird cousin who works in I.T. â he owns all the best gadgets and is obsessed with obscure cartoons but nobody is going to be surprised when he ends up on charges.
The capital of everyoneâs favourite WWII runner-up, Tokyo is famous as a city where the past meets the future, which means itâs the only place in the world where you can find a robot geisha or an origami buttplug. While it does feature more traditional temples and gardens than you can shake a bĆ staff at, itâs best known to travellers as a glistening megalopolis jam-packed with gleaming skyscrapers, blaring neon billboards and the sort of cutting-edge fuck machines that will fulfil even the most depraved desires.
Tokyo has gone all-in on this innovation in perversion, resulting in everything from tentacle porn to vending machines that dispense soiled panties. Itâs a popular destination for sexually frustrated Western males, whether melancholy middle-aged men trying to live out Lost in Translation, or dopey deviants who have spent far too long jacking off to anime looking for a compliant coquette to cosplay Sexy Pikachu with. Sexpats are made to feel more at home than ever by throngs of local perverts in business suits making a beeline for blowjob bars, and weirdly sexualised game shows where families can win a yearâs groceries by guessing how many anal beads can fit inside a daschund.
Aside from getting stuck into some seriously shady sex stuff, the most popular pastime in Tokyo is working yourself to death. If that doesnât work, thereâs always Aokigahara, kamikaze or seppuku. Other popular activities include being dragged to your death by a ghost child that inhabits a haunted well, or stomped on by a giant monster.
One of Tokyoâs most iconic sights is Shibuya Crossing â a.k.a. Times Square on crack â making Japan one of the few places where a congested intersection is considered a tourist attraction. Other attractions include Tokyo Disneyland, and a blatant Eiffel Tower copy called the Tokyo Tower, the least original tourist attraction since Tokyo Disneyland. Tokyo is also famous for robot restaurants and animal cafes â if youâve ever wanted to be served some sushi by a glorified iPad or slurp up some ramen while hanging out with a bunch of hedgehogs, then Tokyo is your place. But we all know youâre really here to fuck a robot.
Tokyo Facts
Population: 14 million.
Founded: 1869.
Currency: Pokémon.
Language: Japanese, butchered American clichés.
Demonym: Tokémon.
Also known as: Future Robot Apocalypse Ground Zero.
As seen in: Any number of Godzilla films in which an oversized irradiated reptile kicks down a bunch of buildings after being infuriated by Tokyoâs property prices.
Most famous resident: Professional weirdo Yoko Ono.
Did you know? A popular shopping strip in Tokyo is Takeshita Street. Other options include Doapissa Road and Havewanka Avenue.
Top 10 Things to Do in Tokyo:
Watch two morbidly obese dudes in big nappies try to squash each other to death
Get nude with a bunch of strangers in a bathhouse
Peruse some futuristic fuck machines at Akihabara Electric Town
Eat some raw fish complete with parasitic worms
Taste some endangered sea mammal for scientific purposes
Get wrecked on sake in a karaoke bar
Pick a fight with a karate master
Crash a Mario Kart into a Sega store
Get deported for having tattoos
Try to bring back a samurai sword in your carry-on
Climate
The former city of Tokyo and the majority of Tokyo prefecture lie in the humid subtropical climate zone (Köppen climate classification Cfa),[68] with hot, humid summers and mild to cool winters with occasional cold spells.
ATHENS
The cradle of Western civilisation and the birthplace of democracy, philosophy and buggery, Athens is the perfect place to distract yourself from the collapse of society by sifting through the remains of another failed culture. Unfortunately, these days Greece is less famous for social evolution and more for political unrest, air pollution and nearly triggering a global financial collapse.
As the centre of the Ancient Greek world, Athens is stuffed to the gills with remnants of its once great glory including the Parthenon (or at least the bits the Brits couldnât stuff in their ships and fuck off back to Britain with), the Temple of Olympian Zeus (mythologyâs favourite Harvey Weinstein) and any number of other piles of rubble that used to be something quite impressive. In ancient times Athens was famous as a home to great minds such as Plato, Socrates and Archimedes. Unfortunately, in modern times it is home to hordes of street kids hocking cheap Chinese-made souvenirs, packs of rabid dogs and the odd political and/or football rioter.
Athens was home to the first modern Olympic Games, which means you can visit the Panathenaic Stadium and follow in the footsteps of old timey athletes. Just a note that if you choose to authentically replicate the original Greek Olympics by running the track nude, you may be arrested â or at least invited to one of the many, many orgies known to break out in Athens at all hours of the day.
When âthe Glorious Cityâ isnât getting high on the fumes of its ancient glory or descending into a post-apocalyptic wasteland, itâs pretty good at bilking the phalanx of clueless tourists who pile in off cruise ships in search of authentic Greek culture, only to find themselves at a plate-smashing show at a tourist trap restaurant serving greasy gyros. In the city that produced Sophocles and Aeschylus, the hââeight of culture now consists of a kebab with chips in it.
If you are unfortunate enough to spend much time in Athens, youâll quickly find out why âGreekâ is slang for getting rooted in the bum.
Athens Facts
Population: 3.2 million.
Founded: Fucking ages ago.
Currency: Tzatziki.
Language: No idea â itâs all Greek to me.
Demonym: Ath-hole.
Also known as: The Cradle of Western Civilisation, Ass-thens.
As seen in: Boy on a Dolphin (1957), a tribute to Athensâ rather liberal sexual attitudes.
Most famous resident: Pericles, the only politician to rock a welding helmet until Scott Morrison.
Did you know? Athens is considered the birthplace of democracy, so we have Athens to thank for Donald Trump, Adolf Hitler and Boris Johnson.
Top 10 Things to Do in Athens
Smuggle yourself into the country in a big wooden horse
Pass through as quickly as possible on your way to a selfie binge in Santorini
Melt your face off in mainland Europeâs hottest city
Choke on wildfire smoke
Choke on polluted air from ships
Choke on overpriced meze
Get run down by one of the many, many terrible Greek drivers who treat commuting like an extreme sport
Spew your guts out on a sailing trip
Nick a bit of the Acropolis as a souvenir
Get wrecked on ouzo and miss your flight home
Climate
Athens has a hot-summer Mediterranean climate (Köppen climate classification: Csa). Athens is the hottest city in mainland Europe and according to the Hellenic National Meteorological Service the Athens Basin is also the warmest area of Greece with an average annual temperature of 19.8 °C (67.6 °F). The dominant feature of Athens' climate is alternation between prolonged hot and dry summers and mild, wetter winters with moderate rainfall.
NEW ORLEANS
Despite being wedged into Americaâs taint, New Orleans is famous for its âold world ambienceâ which is fitting if by âold world ambienceâ you mean dirty streets, crumbling facades and a slew of communicable diseases that had previously been eradicated by modern medicine.
The biggest attraction in New Orleans is Bourbon Street, which is essentially Disneyland for adults only Mickey is wrecked on ketamine, Goofy picks your pocket while you are having a sneaky chunder and Minnie is trying to get you to pay double for anal.
Popular activities on Bourbon Street include public urination, drinking comically oversized overproof cocktails out of novelty vessels and punching a police horse. While on Bourbon Street you can enjoy New Orleansâ signature cocktail, the Hurricane, which is a bit like getting shitfaced on a 'Volcanic Explosion' in Pompeii.
New Orleans is also the spiritual home of jazz music, which is the worst kind of music only enjoyed by nebbish hipsters, ageing womanisers and elevator DJs. Jazz is often cited as the only native American art form, conveniently overlooking serial killing, corporate welfare and invading Third World nations for their natural resources.
New Orleans loves to come up with cutesy local names for everyday things â a poâ boy is a sandwich, a muffuletta is a sandwich and NOPD is systemic racism. Aside from all the local variations of meat between bread, the local cuisine ranges from the horrifying (king cake) to the artery-clogging (jambalaya) and diabetes-inducing (beignets). New Orleans natives have not met a dish they won't deep fry, coat in sugar or stuff into a pigâs anus (or possibly all three at once).
The most famous event on the New Orleans social calendar is Mardi Gras, a fortnight-long celebration of debauchery that allows the ordinarily uptight residents to let their hair down. The centrepiece of Mardi Gras is the parade where revellers dress in gaudy costumes and stampede through the French Quarter, getting blind drunk and hurling strings of beads at any half-cut skank who lifts her shirt.
New Orleans: just say N.O.!
New Orleans Facts
Population: 344,000.
Founded: 1718.
Currency: Beads (Mardi Gras and anal).
Language: English, Pretend French.
Also known as: NOLA, Norlens, Nawlins, The Big Sleazy, Ew Orleans, Hurricane Katrinaâs Bitch.
As seen in: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, in which a young man gets so wrecked at Mardi Gras he starts ageing backwards.
Most famous resident: Nicolas Cage, Americaâs favourite vampire and future New Orleans celebrity cemetery occupant. If you are lucky you might see the Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance star filming another one of his latest âhitsâ in order to pay for his rampant dinosaur egg habit.
Top 10 Things to Do in New Orleans
Get a voodoo curse put on your ex
Get alcohol poisoning after smashing six novelty cocktails
Lose an eye to a Mardi Gras throw
Get run down by a parade float
Get mugged in an historic cemetery
Die of boredom at a jazz âperformanceâ
Get mugged on a streetcar
Wake up on the wrong side of the river
Get mugged during a parade
Watch the Saints lose
Climate
The climate of New Orleans is humid subtropical (Köppen: Cfa), with short, generally mild winters and hot, humid summers; in the 1991-2020 climate normals the USDA hardiness zone is 9b.
PRAGUE
Prague is one of Europeâs most popular tourist destinations, despite the fact that it is boring as batshit and no one can locate it on a map. The Czech capitalâs premier attractions include a bridge, a road, a hill and a clock. While Prague also boasts a collection of castles to delight old people and giant nerds alike, one of the most striking buildings is the three-decades-young Dancing House, which disappointingly is not a strip club but rather a pair of melted office buildings. Just as the worldâs most boring people insist on being called dumb nicknames, so too has Europeâs most boring city amassed a multitude of monikers throughout the years including âthe Mother of Citiesâ, âthe Golden Cityâ, âthe Heart of Europeâ, âthe City of a Hundred Spiresâ, âBudget Munichâ, âShit Parisâ, âHome Brand Amsterdamâ and âBohemian Crap Cityâ.
As well as geriatrics and geeks, Prague is a magnet for perverts. The place is full of Russian prostitutes (which is weird because most European cities are full of Czech prostitutes). Along with cheap beer, this makes Prague a popular stag do destination, meaning it is often overrun with drunken British boofheads pissing, shitting and barfing on every bare surface. If Prague really is âthe Mother of Citiesâ, then the father must be some feral joint like Bristol or Newcastle.
Prague was the site of the Velvet Revolution, which sounds like a sick dance party but was actually the non-violent transfer of power from the Communist Party of Czechoslovakia. One of the symbols of the Velvet Revolution was jingling keys to show support, which makes it sound less like a dance party and more like a low-rent orgy. The city is also renowned for the âDefenestrations of Pragueâ, a series of historical events in which political figures were tossed out of windows to their death. While in Prague, itâs best to stay on the ground floor if you donât want to be murdered in the most hilarious way possible.
Prague Facts
Population: 1.3 million.
Founded: Circa 8th century.
Currency: Koruna, beer.
Language: Czech.
Demonym: Prazan.
Also known as: The Mother of Cities, the Golden City, the Heart of Europe, the City of a Hundred Spires, Alcohopolis, Budget Munich, Shit Paris, Poor Zurich, Boring Amsterdam, Every Backpackerâs Plan B, Bohemian Crap City.
As seen in: xXx, Vin Dieselâs unfortunate foray into the world of hardcore pornography.
Most famous resident: Franz Kafka, tubercular misfit and surrealist novelist with a penchant for anthropomorphic cockroaches.
Did you know? In 2018, a restorer painted all his mates into the artwork of the 600-year-old Prague astronomical clock. No one noticed for four years.
Top 10 Things to Do in Prague
Walk across the Charles Bridge
Walk back across the Charles Bridge
Ask for a lap dance at the Dancing House
Take a beer bath so you can smell like an authentic alcoholic
Take a piss off a bridge and try to hit a river boat
Get Eiffel Towered by a couple of Scottish perverts on a stag weekend
Buy a kidney at the Prague International Organ Festival
Catch âthe Prague plagueâ from a âPraguestituteâ
Watch a council worker lop touristsâ padlocks off the Loversâ Bridge and toss them in the river
Get shot by the John Lennon Wall
Climate
Prague has an oceanic climate (Köppen: Cfb)[64][65] with humid continental (Dfb) influences, defined as such by the 0 °C (32 °F) isotherm.[66] The winters are relatively cold with average temperatures at about freezing point, and with very little sunshine. Snow cover can be common between mid-November and late March although snow accumulations of more than 20 cm (8 in) are infrequent. There are also a few periods of mild temperatures in winter. Summers usually bring plenty of sunshine and the average high temperature of 24 °C (75 °F). Nights can be quite cool even in summer, though. Precipitation in Prague is rather low (just over 500 mm [20 in] per year) since it is located in the rain shadow of the Sudetes and other mountain ranges.
RIO DE JANERIO
Famous for poverty, promiscuity and political corruption, Rio de Janeiro manages to combine stunning beach vistas with rampant street crime and flagrant destitution, making it the perfect destination if you want to get crippling sunburn and a new STD while also dodging stray bullets and gangs of murderous pre-teens.
As the premier tourist trap in a country whose greatest contribution to science is pubic waxing, itâs not surprising that the Brazilian city is a favourite destination of sex pests the world over. Copacabana Beach is the perfect spot for a pervert to enjoy an overpriced cocktail and a public hand shandy while watching locals with botched butt implants frolic in their barely-there bikinis. The highlight of Rioâs calendar is Carnival, a treasured tradition that largely revolves around surgically enhanced human sex dolls in the worldâs most elaborate stripper garb twerking their ample arses at families who are just trying to chow down their churros in peace.
Rio is menaced by the iconic âChrist the Redeemerâ, the fourth largest statue of Jesus in the world and the only one that looks like he is a DJ lording over a crowd full of pinga rats just as he is about to drop the beat. The statue is most famous for losing its fingers to lightning strikes, perhaps indicating that the Almighty isnât too fond of his only son looking like a ratshit TiĂ«sto.
Founded by the Portuguese (the Pepsi of colonial powers), Rio offers tourists the opportunity to peruse the wreckage of colonialism in a pleasant tropical setting. A must-see is the cityâs famous favelas, world-renowned slums ruled over by gangs of adolescent Scarfaces that serve as the perfect backdrop to any number of Hollywood films, Pitbull music videos and violent abductions. Since 2016, visitors can also enjoy wading through the monkey-infested ruins of abandoned Olympic venues.
While in Rio, donât forget to have a go at Brazilâs favourite pastimes: samba, football and mass deforestation.
Top 10 Things to Do in Rio de Janeiro
Destroy your pubes
Destroy a rainforest
Play a game of futevĂłlei a.k.a. volleyball without hands a.k.a. the dumbest sport known to man
Get high and climb the Big Jesus
Fight a monkey
Drop a loaf at Sugarloaf Mountain
Fight an anaconda
Catch Zika
Fight a toucan
Get kidnapped and murdered when your parents refuse to pay the ransom
CARDIFF
The Welsh are the descendents of the original inhabitants of the British Isles that the Romans couldnât be buggered conquering. These oppressively polite natives have returned the favour by greeting visitors with the sort of unstinting hospitality that almost certainly serves to obscure some dire goings-on. Itâs unclear what they are up to, but it almost certainly involves interfering with animals and probably a bit of cannibalism. Fond of rugby, romancing sheep and speaking with an accent that makes them sound like theyâve recently taken a knock to the head, the Welsh are very much the New Zealanders of the north.
Walesâ capital is Cardiff, a soggy bore that offers all the dreary atmosphere of Huddersfield combined with the stultifying dullness of Sunderland. The cityâs premier attractions are a selection of grey things, such as crumbling castles and guano-coated statues. One of the most popular is the Animal Wall, a sculptured fortification outside Cardiff Castle featuring 15 animals rendered in 3D for the sexual arousal of local residents.
Aside from rugby, Walesâ other national sport is problem drinking, something that can be either witnessed or indulged in anywhere in Cardiff at any time. Most street signs feature the Welsh language â which famously looks like what would happen if you randomly smashed your head into a bag of Scrabble tiles â making it difficult to figure out if you are intoxicated at the best of times.
Cardiff is also famous as the filming location of Dr. Who, so if you happen to see a nattily dressed hobo being chased down the street by some angry mailboxes, then you havenât had a stroke but likely just stumbled across filming for the latest season.
With all the glamour of a gumboot full of diarrhoea, Cardiff has everything you need for a shit holiday. At least it has the minor consolation of not being Swansea, Llanelli or, God forbid, Neath.
Cardiff Facts
Population: 367,000.
Founded: Circa 1100.
Currency: British pound, daffodils, leeks.
Language: Nobody knows.
Demonym: Carduffer.
Also known as: The City of Arcades, The Diff, Cardi D, Shardiff, Lardiff.
As seen in: Dr. Who. The BBC was able to save on CGI and prosthetics by casting locals as extraterrestrials.
Most famous resident: Roald Dahl grew up in Cardiff, inspiring his book The Twits.
Did you know? Every Cardiff residentâs surname is Jones, Thomas or Williams. If they claim they have a different surname then they are lying.
Top 10 Things to Do in Cardiff
A sheep
A goat
A cow
Another sheep
A pig
A chicken
A close blood relative
A horse
A donkey
Visit Cardiff Castle
Climate
Cardiff, in the north temperate zone, has a maritime climate (Köppen: Cfb) marked by mild weather that is often cloudy, wet and windy. Summers tend to be warm and sunny, with average maxima between 19 and 22 °C (66 and 72 °F). Winters are fairly wet, but excessive rainfall as well as frost are rare. Spring and autumn feel similar and the temperatures tend to stay above 14 °C (57 °F) â also the average annual daytime temperature. Rain is unpredictable at any time of year, although showers tend to be shorter in summer.
VENICE
Famous as the âFloating Cityâ, Venice promises a romantic gondola ride into a medieval fantasy replete with elegant masques, quaint canals and resplendent palaces. This overlooks that the palaces are crumbling, a masque is just a fancy opportunity to commit sexual assault and âcanalâ is Italian for âpiss-filled gutterâ. Indeed, much of Veniceâs charm rests on the sheer arrogance of building ostentatious marble palaces on a shonky artificial archipelago in the middle of a lagoon, a feat that in retrospect seems less like an amazing engineering accomplishment than an affront to God.
Much of Veniceâs alleged allure rests on its numerous canals, a series of muddy ditches filled with stagnant water and raw sewage, which is probably why most of the word âcanalâ is âanalâ. If people were actually interested in canals, then Birmingham would be the romantic capital of the UK rather than the capital of interminable boredom.
Modern Venice is like the façade of a rundown casino without the actual casino, which is a shame because some slot machines and weather-beaten waitresses in ill-fitting cocktail dresses might actually break the unending slog of ornate churches and palaces. One of Veniceâs most famous tourist attractions is the Bridge of Sighs, which is exactly what youâll do when youâre handed the bill at any of the âdelightfulâ local restaurants set up to gouge tourists.
Despite being a decrepit shithole that reeks of fish and mildew, Venice is swamped by a torrent of tourists every day of the year. The narrow bridges and cramped walkways are filled with oversized cruise ship passengers trying to squeeze their way through tight passages like kidney stones forcing their way out of a swollen urethra. The city has responded to this threat by implementing turnstiles and an admission fee like some kind of shithouse Disneyland, as well as a series of draconian anti-tourist punishments, including deportation for making coffee in public and the death penalty for using a selfie stick. The only saving grace is the fact that the whole shambles is slowly subsiding beneath the waves and will shortly be doing its best impression of Atlantis.
Venice Facts
Population: 260,000.
Founded: 421 A.D.
Currency: Euro, counterfeit handbags.
Language: Venitian, Italian.
Also known as: The City of Canals, The (Barely) Floating City, Penice.
As seen in: Death in Venice, a title that will seem much more reasonable after youâve actually visited.
Most famous resident: Casanova, notorious lothario and venereal disease aficionado.
Did you know? Due to Veniceâs unique geography, the numerous pickpockets typically use jet skis as getaway vehicles.
Top 10 Things to Do in Venice
Drag your luggage through the labyrinth of foot-busting cobbled âstreetsâ
Trudge through arse-deep water after a light rain or high tide
Get swarmed by diseased pigeons in St Markâs Square
Contract the bubonic plague
Overpay for week-old seafood and soggy pasta at a âquaintâ restaurant
Initiate an orgy at a masquerade ball
Dodge floating turds and tampons on a âromanticâ gondola ride
Get devoured by mosquitos
Fall in a canal while trying to take the perfect Insta-selfie
Get fined a yearâs salary for having a swim
Climate
According to the Köppen climate classification, Venice has a mid-latitude, four season humid subtropical climate (Cfa), with cool, humid winters and warm, slightly mild summers with high humidity. The 24-hour average temperature in January is 3.3 °C (37.9 °F), and for July this figure is 23.0 °C (73.4 °F). Precipitation is spread relatively evenly throughout the year, and averages 748 millimetres (29.4 in); snow isn't a rarity between late November and early March. During the most severe winters, the canals and parts of the lagoon can freeze, but with the warming trend of the past 30â40 years, the occurrence has become rarer.
