Some More Shit Towns Of Australia
Dec 4, 2023 19:43:58 GMT -5
🖕🏿Mörön🖕🏿, jetshnl, and 1 more like this
Post by greysrigging on Dec 4, 2023 19:43:58 GMT -5
If you have to live in a Shit Town, which one is best climatically ?
Shit Town: City of Blacktown / Parramatta (NSW )
Sporting a racist name, an abundance of empty schools and hordes of housos, the City of Blacktown is a veritable smorgasbord of shit. The Western Sydney LGA is crammed with crap suburbs including Mount Druitt (commonly called Mount Druggitt), Shalvey (Shankvey), Doonside (Goonside) and Rooty Hill (Shagger’s Ridge, Humpy Hump or Fucky Mound). Thanks to its rougher bits—locally referred to in hushed tones as ‘the areas’—Blacktown is Australia’s murder, gun crime and ‘fleeing the cops on a stolen unregistered dirt bike’ capital. Blacktown’s rugby league team is called the Workers, which is ironic because no one there has a job. Aside from unemployment, the most popular occupations in ‘Slacktown’ are trying to crack the NRL (even though you are 32), working on your mixtape and stealing each other’s stuff. On the plus side, housing in Blacktown is cheap by Sydney standards because no one wants to live there.
Of all the lumps that make up the Blacktown turd, the worst is objectively Mount Druitt. Despite its name, Mount Druitt is not a mountain, adding false advertising to its long list of common local crimes that also includes urban warfare, wanton vandalism and having a rat’s tail. Mount Druitt is actually a hole, which is the opposite of a mountain.
‘Mounty County’ is also the proud hometown of OneFour, a try-hard gangsta rap group so shit they were banned from touring in Australia. OneFour are popular with people who consider hoodies formal attire, punching strangers a fun activity and a slab of Woodstock breakfast.
There have been several attempts to rename Blacktown something less overtly racist, but despite the suggestion of several fitting alternatives—Cracktown, Gronkville, Sydney’s Anus—the efforts failed as the majority of residents are illiterate and couldn’t spell any of the proposed names.
he bit of Sydney that the rest of Sydney prefers to pretend doesn’t exist, Parramatta is a sprawling suburban shitscape dotted with RSLs, shopping centres and copy-pasted townhouses. The city is regarded as the CBD of Greater Western Sydney, or in other words, the capital of Shitsville. It is Australia’s oldest inland European settlement, having been settled before explorers discovered the vast myriad of better places to live. In its early days, Parramatta gained the nickname of ‘Australia’s cradle city’ due to all the teen pregnancy. It is now home to the New South Wales Police Force, who go where they’re needed most.
Parramatta likes to boast about its ‘vibrant culture’, which is true if ‘vibrant culture’ means casual stabbings, flagrant drug use and a CBD full of bands of roving junkies. Plans by the state government to relocate the Powerhouse Museum to Western Sydney have been mired in controversy, with many detractors suggesting that Parramatta will reject any attempt to instil culture there in much the same way that an organ donor’s body rejects a pig heart as something that doesn’t belong. In the meantime, Parramatta will have to make do with what has always passed for ‘culture’: a meat raffle at the RSL.
‘Parramatta’ translates to ‘the place where the eels lie down’, a reference to its awful NRL team. It’s not surprising that the city identifies with a spineless bottom feeder most at home in stagnant water and sewers. The Eels have done Parramatta proud with a long history of mediocrity coupled with some truly memorable off-field incidents, including drug possession, road rage and consorting with bikies.
Shit Town: Palmerston / Darwin ( NT )
Built in the 1980s to house Darwin’s rejects and saddled with the city’s unwanted old name, Palmerston is the epitome of sloppy seconds. The planned satellite slum is filled with people driven out of Darwin by rising house prices, which makes a nice change from people being driven out of Darwin by people who live in Palmerston. Despite a climate so inhospitable that the air is easier to drink than breathe, Palmerslum is inhabited by numerous dangerous lifeforms including crocs, river snakes and gangs of grog-guzzling gronks.
Palmerstonians are creatures of habit, engaging in several regular traditions. On ‘Thirsty Thursdays’ they celebrate dole day by redistributing their payments to the local bottle-o. On Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday mornings, they patiently wait outside the police station for their loved ones to be released from the drunk tank. Once a week, Palmerstoners cut another couple of inches off their neighbour’s hose to make a new bottle bong. And every night they hold fun family events that normally involve drink-driving their unmuffled shitboxes to brand-new housing developments, where they decorate the freshly laid roads with vast murals of skid marks. Other popular Palmerston pastimes include punching grey nomads, pissing on passed-out long grassers, and tipping recent hospital patients out of their wheelchairs to pinch their catheter bags after mistaking them for goon.
Darwin is the only city in the world with more crocodiles than human beings. It’s also the only major Australian city to be levelled by the Japanese during World War II and completely destroyed by cyclones on three separate occasions, from which it has never fully recovered. The federal government maintains Darwin as a live-action replica of what could be expected to happen to an Australian city in a nuclear apocalypse.
Popular hobbies in the Northern Territory’s ramshackle capital include alcoholism, arguing over who would win a fight between a salty and a great white, and pointing out the inaccuracies in Wolf Creek. The city’s premier event is the annual Beer Can Regatta, in which contestants race boats made entirely out of empty booze tins whilst emptying several more, and NT Cracker Day, when resident youth take time out from holding up servos with kitchen knives to engage in a spot of casual arson and drive-by firework shooting. The local agenda-setter is the NT News, a bastion of quality journalism responsible for such headlines as ‘Horny ghost haunts house’, ‘Sexy granny drought’ and ‘Why I stuck a cracker up my clacker’.
Darwin markets itself as the ‘Gateway to the Outback’, despite the fact that the same slogan is claimed by every desert shithole in Australia. Darwin is also the ‘Gateway to Asia’, a much stronger selling point as the idea of fleeing to another continent is particularly appealing when you’re in Darwin. In fact, Darwin’s most popular slogan is ‘Gateway to Anywhere That Isn’t Fucking Darwin’.
Shit Town: Toowoomba ( QLD )
Few people actually know where Toowoomba is and even fewer have ever been there. The regional city was strategically placed just close enough to Brisbane for Brisbanites to dump their unwanted elderly but far enough away that they don’t have to visit them. Consequently, Toowoomba is full of xenophobic old people and stuffy God-botherers who are less into beaches and bitches and more about gardens and golliwogs.
Toowoomba’s name is derived from the fact that widespread incest has resulted in large numbers of local women sporting multiple sets of genitals (or ‘two wombs’). Popular alternative names include ‘Double Douchehole’ and ‘Multi Minge’. People from Toowoomba are officially known as Toowoombarbarians, Toowoombastards or Toowoompaloompas.
As well as being a gulag for geriatrics, Toowoomba is known as ‘The Garden City’ because a few patches of manicured scrub are the closest thing it has to a point of interest. The highlight of the city’s calendar is the annual Carnival of Flowers, when nannas from across the nation take time out from knitting things no one will ever wear, spouting nonsense on talkback radio and soiling themselves to pore over plants’ private parts. Due in part to excessive gardening, Toowoomba is rapidly running out of water, which will come as a relief to most residents considering how it tastes.
Disturbingly, gentrification has begun turning Toowoomba into the Melbourne of Queensland, with graffitied laneways, scungy alley cafes and moustachioed vegans popping up with increasing frequency. The city is being invaded by so much diversity that long-time Toowoompaloompas are struggling to know who to fear anymore. The only certainty is that Toowoomba will always find a way to stay shit.
Shit Town: Kempsey ( NSW )
A rusting hulk of a town halfway between Brisbane and Sydney, Kempsey exists purely as a service centre for nearby places where people actually want to go. The town is so shit that it was not only bypassed by the rebuilt Pacific Highway but given a five-kilometre radius at a cost of millions of dollars to be on the safe side. The new bypass includes the longest bridge in Australia—the government broke a national record just to avoid the place.
Kempsey is renowned around the country for its two biggest exports: Slim Dusty and meth. The prolific Slim Dusty released over a hundred punishing albums of country songs, also known as ‘bush ballads’ or ‘purdy music sounds’. An estimated tens of thousands of sheilas have been impregnated by their brothers to a Dusty ditty. Kempsey is also famous for recording the highest ‘no’ vote in the 1967 referendum to recognise the Indigenous as people, adding rampant racism to its redneck rap sheet.
Kempsey is also well known as a crime-ridden craphole where even second-floor windows are adorned with iron bars, or ‘Kempsey curtains’. The town is crawling with gronks bricking each other, thugs mugging people on the railway pedestrian bridge and stray dogs picking through garbage. Activities for kids include asking strangers for ciggies, getting pregnant during P.E. class, and jumping off bridges into the turd-riddled river while trying not to land on the artificial reef made of dumped shopping trolleys and stolen dirt bikes. As if the crime weren’t enough, Kempsey is also built on a flood plain so often finds itself underwater, which is when local yokels usually have their annual bath.
Shit Town: Port Hedland ( WA )
Situated in north-west Who Cares, Port Hedland is a derelict minerals discharge hole dressed up as a town. The iron anus owes its name to its turd-brown eyesore of a port, the proliferation of substance enthusiasts offering ‘head’ on its streets, and its inhabitants’ inability to spell. Isolated, full of flies and ferals and hot as all buggery, the prospect of living in the Pilbara poo pit is about as enticing as a proposition from Gina Rinehart.
Port Hedland promotes itself as the sunniest place in Australia, a dubious honour that’s a bit like claiming to be the coldest village in the Arctic or the most incestuous town in Tasmania. Cattle and sheep farming was once a major industry for the town, but this ended when the animals all withered to a crisp. The only fauna able to survive Port Deadland’s intense heat are creatures like red-necked stints, red-necked avocets and red-necked people. The town is also home to the Australian bustard and plenty of Australian bastards.
Port Hedland’s main industries are shitting out iron ore, digging holes and dole bludging. Popular pastimes include racing wheelbarrows, smashing people’s solar panels and being hospitalised with a respiratory infection caused by iron ore dust. The town hosted a beachfront boat-people prison from 1991 to 2004 that is now a hotel—the number of people staying has significantly dropped since the locks were removed.
Shit Suburb: Elizabeth / Adelaide ( SA )
A planned satellite slum in the far northern reaches of Adelaide, Elizabeth is essentially Adelaide’s Logan, Penrith or Werribee. Due to a restraining order taken out by Adelaide, Elizabeth must stay at least 25 kilometres from the CBD at all times. Famously feral, the area was named after Queen Elizabeth II due to its predilection for cousin marrying and paedophile cover-ups.
Despite being swallowed by the new City of Playford in 1997, the former city of Elizabeth—now a loose conurbation of suburbs—maintains a cultural distinction based on a proud tradition of unfiltered antisocial boganness. Suburbs considered part of the informal Elizabeth area include Elizabeth, Elizabeth North, Elizabeth East, Elizabeth South, not Elizabeth West, Elizabeth Downs, Elizabeth Grove, Elizabeth Park, Elizabeth Vale, Elizabeth Taylor, Elizabeth Smart and Elizabeth Báthory.
Elizabeth is Australia’s version of Detroit in that it’s known for an automobile manufacturing industry that no longer exists (unless you count body shops respraying stolen cars), and like Detroit it is now a desolate wasteland with a 100 per cent unemployment rate. The entire Elizabeth area is dotted with abandoned overgrown lots covered with car corpses, mattresses and old couches, which are surrounded by blocks of decaying units and thriving meth labs. Without gainful employment to distract them, ‘Lizbeff’ locals are free to devote themselves to hobbies such as drinking, drugs, fighting in the street, beating up bus drivers, stabbing people on the train, ransacking construction sites, stealing the wheels off cars, stealing cars off their wheels, robbing people’s houses while they’re out, and robbing people’s houses while they’re home. If you aren’t being assaulted by a dole bludger, choking on burnout fumes or wading through a torrent of used syringes, you’re probably squeezing past the Holden SS Ute that has ploughed into your living room.
It’s no mean feat to be the worst part of Adelaide, a city famous for serial killers and paedophiles, but Elizabeth has nailed it.
Adelaide is known as the ‘City of Churches, Pubs and Serial Killers’. The city’s roll of gory crimes includes a series of gruesome murders committed by a shadowy cabal of paedophiles, a series of gruesome murders committed by a bunch of drongos on the dole, and Jimmy Barnes’s musical career. Despite its delusions of cityhood, South Australia’s capital is essentially an overgrown country town complete with high unemployment, shit public transport, shops only opening for a few hours per weekday, undrinkable drinking water, rampant racism and an almost Tasmanian level of cousin-fucking. Adelaide is populated by an array of junkies, thugs and gronks, as any Adelaideans resembling normal humans waste no time in moving to Melbourne or Sydney.
Adelaide is a favourite spot for the federal government to house its expensive fuck-ups, including a submarine fleet that had difficulty submerging and an expensive desalination plant that does fuck-all. The city’s most cherished invention is the Hills hoist, which is a type of clothesline that was originally dreamed up as a mechanism for tanning the hides of flayed hitchhikers. Farmers Union Iced Coffee is considered a local delicacy and has been known to outsell Coca-Cola in Adelaide, despite the fact that it tastes like an ashtray full of Nescafé.
Adelaide Zoo is proudly home to Australia’s only pandas. This pride is somewhat mitigated by the fact that in true South Australian fashion the pandas refuse to mate, dedicating their days to the standard Adelaide pursuits of getting on the goon and going late-night shopping at Westfield Marion. Another hot shopping spot is Rundle Mall, a classy establishment adorned with statues of pigs rummaging through bins and a pair of giant gonads known as ‘the Mall’s Balls’.
Very few tourists ever visit Adelaide intentionally, with the largest number of visitors citing ‘got shitfaced on a stag and my mates thought it would be funny to put me on a plane’ as their reason for travelling.
Shit Town: Port Augusta ( SA )
Port Augusta is known as a working-class town, which is ironic because no one there has a job. The city has been redundant since its port ceased to operate in 1973, making half of its name a lie. Attempts to resuscitate ‘Portagutter’ by kickstarting a new economy predicated on polluting the atmosphere with copious amounts of carbon ended with the closure of all of its coal-fired power plants in the last decade. Now little more than a blight on the South Australian desert landscape, Port Augusta exists purely so people can confuse it with Port Pirie and Port Lincoln.
Port Augusta’s most famous feature is its putrid stench, courtesy of a dried-up tyre-filled mud puddle called Bird Lake, which makes the entire city smell almost as bad as its residents. The place is cursed with a punishing climate that sees the mercury push 50 degrees, forcing feral locals to cool off in the flooded rubbish tip known as the Spencer Gulf. Five hundred algae-encrusted shopping trolleys were recently fished up from waters near the wharf to prevent jumpers from landing on them, but a sizeable trolley reef remains.
Aside from a derelict disused port, Port Disgusta boasts a world-class collection of abandoned buildings, towering razor-wire-tipped fences, beaches with more broken glass than sand, and patches of dirt in lieu of lawns. It’s also home to the Australian Arid Lands Botanic Garden, which showcases all of the nothing that grows in the outback. A former hit with overseas visitors was the now-closed Baxter Detention Centre, which attracted tourists from all over Southeast Asia and the Middle East and must have been incredible because most visitors stayed for years.
Shit Town: Nowra ( NSW )
There are contrasting theories as to the origin of Nowra’s name. Some say it’s a European butchering of the local Aboriginal word for black cockatoo. Others suggest it refers to the town being only a-Nowra-way from Wollongong. Other others insist Nowra is an acronym for ‘Number Of Welfare Recipients Astronomical’. One thing everyone can agree upon is that Nowra is an epically shit town.
Founded by a convict and populated by packs of deadshits and fuckwits, Nowra is basically the set of a failed Chris Lilley show. Despite being the South Coast region’s commercial and administrative centre, Nowra is somehow completely devoid of jobs, leaving its residents with nothing to do but piff shopping trolleys into the river or get in a glass fight at Posties. Despite a lack of activities, the town is filled with swarms of moronic tourists from Sydney and Canberra who neglected to do any research before going on holiday.
While the South Coast has some aesthetic appeal, Nowra is a gaping hole, giving the region the nickname ‘Donut’. The saltwater Shoalhaven River acts as a moat for the flog-filled North Nowra and Bomaderry, shielding them from the bogan scum on the ‘wrong side of the bridge’. East Nowra is the shining turd in the Nowra toilet, while Worrigee is also shit mainly because it’s next to East Nowra. If you’re looking for a shit suburb, you simply can’t go wrong in a town whose only purpose is making Wollongong look good.
Shit Town: City of Blacktown / Parramatta (NSW )
Sporting a racist name, an abundance of empty schools and hordes of housos, the City of Blacktown is a veritable smorgasbord of shit. The Western Sydney LGA is crammed with crap suburbs including Mount Druitt (commonly called Mount Druggitt), Shalvey (Shankvey), Doonside (Goonside) and Rooty Hill (Shagger’s Ridge, Humpy Hump or Fucky Mound). Thanks to its rougher bits—locally referred to in hushed tones as ‘the areas’—Blacktown is Australia’s murder, gun crime and ‘fleeing the cops on a stolen unregistered dirt bike’ capital. Blacktown’s rugby league team is called the Workers, which is ironic because no one there has a job. Aside from unemployment, the most popular occupations in ‘Slacktown’ are trying to crack the NRL (even though you are 32), working on your mixtape and stealing each other’s stuff. On the plus side, housing in Blacktown is cheap by Sydney standards because no one wants to live there.
Of all the lumps that make up the Blacktown turd, the worst is objectively Mount Druitt. Despite its name, Mount Druitt is not a mountain, adding false advertising to its long list of common local crimes that also includes urban warfare, wanton vandalism and having a rat’s tail. Mount Druitt is actually a hole, which is the opposite of a mountain.
‘Mounty County’ is also the proud hometown of OneFour, a try-hard gangsta rap group so shit they were banned from touring in Australia. OneFour are popular with people who consider hoodies formal attire, punching strangers a fun activity and a slab of Woodstock breakfast.
There have been several attempts to rename Blacktown something less overtly racist, but despite the suggestion of several fitting alternatives—Cracktown, Gronkville, Sydney’s Anus—the efforts failed as the majority of residents are illiterate and couldn’t spell any of the proposed names.
he bit of Sydney that the rest of Sydney prefers to pretend doesn’t exist, Parramatta is a sprawling suburban shitscape dotted with RSLs, shopping centres and copy-pasted townhouses. The city is regarded as the CBD of Greater Western Sydney, or in other words, the capital of Shitsville. It is Australia’s oldest inland European settlement, having been settled before explorers discovered the vast myriad of better places to live. In its early days, Parramatta gained the nickname of ‘Australia’s cradle city’ due to all the teen pregnancy. It is now home to the New South Wales Police Force, who go where they’re needed most.
Parramatta likes to boast about its ‘vibrant culture’, which is true if ‘vibrant culture’ means casual stabbings, flagrant drug use and a CBD full of bands of roving junkies. Plans by the state government to relocate the Powerhouse Museum to Western Sydney have been mired in controversy, with many detractors suggesting that Parramatta will reject any attempt to instil culture there in much the same way that an organ donor’s body rejects a pig heart as something that doesn’t belong. In the meantime, Parramatta will have to make do with what has always passed for ‘culture’: a meat raffle at the RSL.
‘Parramatta’ translates to ‘the place where the eels lie down’, a reference to its awful NRL team. It’s not surprising that the city identifies with a spineless bottom feeder most at home in stagnant water and sewers. The Eels have done Parramatta proud with a long history of mediocrity coupled with some truly memorable off-field incidents, including drug possession, road rage and consorting with bikies.
Shit Town: Palmerston / Darwin ( NT )
Built in the 1980s to house Darwin’s rejects and saddled with the city’s unwanted old name, Palmerston is the epitome of sloppy seconds. The planned satellite slum is filled with people driven out of Darwin by rising house prices, which makes a nice change from people being driven out of Darwin by people who live in Palmerston. Despite a climate so inhospitable that the air is easier to drink than breathe, Palmerslum is inhabited by numerous dangerous lifeforms including crocs, river snakes and gangs of grog-guzzling gronks.
Palmerstonians are creatures of habit, engaging in several regular traditions. On ‘Thirsty Thursdays’ they celebrate dole day by redistributing their payments to the local bottle-o. On Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday mornings, they patiently wait outside the police station for their loved ones to be released from the drunk tank. Once a week, Palmerstoners cut another couple of inches off their neighbour’s hose to make a new bottle bong. And every night they hold fun family events that normally involve drink-driving their unmuffled shitboxes to brand-new housing developments, where they decorate the freshly laid roads with vast murals of skid marks. Other popular Palmerston pastimes include punching grey nomads, pissing on passed-out long grassers, and tipping recent hospital patients out of their wheelchairs to pinch their catheter bags after mistaking them for goon.
Darwin is the only city in the world with more crocodiles than human beings. It’s also the only major Australian city to be levelled by the Japanese during World War II and completely destroyed by cyclones on three separate occasions, from which it has never fully recovered. The federal government maintains Darwin as a live-action replica of what could be expected to happen to an Australian city in a nuclear apocalypse.
Popular hobbies in the Northern Territory’s ramshackle capital include alcoholism, arguing over who would win a fight between a salty and a great white, and pointing out the inaccuracies in Wolf Creek. The city’s premier event is the annual Beer Can Regatta, in which contestants race boats made entirely out of empty booze tins whilst emptying several more, and NT Cracker Day, when resident youth take time out from holding up servos with kitchen knives to engage in a spot of casual arson and drive-by firework shooting. The local agenda-setter is the NT News, a bastion of quality journalism responsible for such headlines as ‘Horny ghost haunts house’, ‘Sexy granny drought’ and ‘Why I stuck a cracker up my clacker’.
Darwin markets itself as the ‘Gateway to the Outback’, despite the fact that the same slogan is claimed by every desert shithole in Australia. Darwin is also the ‘Gateway to Asia’, a much stronger selling point as the idea of fleeing to another continent is particularly appealing when you’re in Darwin. In fact, Darwin’s most popular slogan is ‘Gateway to Anywhere That Isn’t Fucking Darwin’.
Shit Town: Toowoomba ( QLD )
Few people actually know where Toowoomba is and even fewer have ever been there. The regional city was strategically placed just close enough to Brisbane for Brisbanites to dump their unwanted elderly but far enough away that they don’t have to visit them. Consequently, Toowoomba is full of xenophobic old people and stuffy God-botherers who are less into beaches and bitches and more about gardens and golliwogs.
Toowoomba’s name is derived from the fact that widespread incest has resulted in large numbers of local women sporting multiple sets of genitals (or ‘two wombs’). Popular alternative names include ‘Double Douchehole’ and ‘Multi Minge’. People from Toowoomba are officially known as Toowoombarbarians, Toowoombastards or Toowoompaloompas.
As well as being a gulag for geriatrics, Toowoomba is known as ‘The Garden City’ because a few patches of manicured scrub are the closest thing it has to a point of interest. The highlight of the city’s calendar is the annual Carnival of Flowers, when nannas from across the nation take time out from knitting things no one will ever wear, spouting nonsense on talkback radio and soiling themselves to pore over plants’ private parts. Due in part to excessive gardening, Toowoomba is rapidly running out of water, which will come as a relief to most residents considering how it tastes.
Disturbingly, gentrification has begun turning Toowoomba into the Melbourne of Queensland, with graffitied laneways, scungy alley cafes and moustachioed vegans popping up with increasing frequency. The city is being invaded by so much diversity that long-time Toowoompaloompas are struggling to know who to fear anymore. The only certainty is that Toowoomba will always find a way to stay shit.
Shit Town: Kempsey ( NSW )
A rusting hulk of a town halfway between Brisbane and Sydney, Kempsey exists purely as a service centre for nearby places where people actually want to go. The town is so shit that it was not only bypassed by the rebuilt Pacific Highway but given a five-kilometre radius at a cost of millions of dollars to be on the safe side. The new bypass includes the longest bridge in Australia—the government broke a national record just to avoid the place.
Kempsey is renowned around the country for its two biggest exports: Slim Dusty and meth. The prolific Slim Dusty released over a hundred punishing albums of country songs, also known as ‘bush ballads’ or ‘purdy music sounds’. An estimated tens of thousands of sheilas have been impregnated by their brothers to a Dusty ditty. Kempsey is also famous for recording the highest ‘no’ vote in the 1967 referendum to recognise the Indigenous as people, adding rampant racism to its redneck rap sheet.
Kempsey is also well known as a crime-ridden craphole where even second-floor windows are adorned with iron bars, or ‘Kempsey curtains’. The town is crawling with gronks bricking each other, thugs mugging people on the railway pedestrian bridge and stray dogs picking through garbage. Activities for kids include asking strangers for ciggies, getting pregnant during P.E. class, and jumping off bridges into the turd-riddled river while trying not to land on the artificial reef made of dumped shopping trolleys and stolen dirt bikes. As if the crime weren’t enough, Kempsey is also built on a flood plain so often finds itself underwater, which is when local yokels usually have their annual bath.
Shit Town: Port Hedland ( WA )
Situated in north-west Who Cares, Port Hedland is a derelict minerals discharge hole dressed up as a town. The iron anus owes its name to its turd-brown eyesore of a port, the proliferation of substance enthusiasts offering ‘head’ on its streets, and its inhabitants’ inability to spell. Isolated, full of flies and ferals and hot as all buggery, the prospect of living in the Pilbara poo pit is about as enticing as a proposition from Gina Rinehart.
Port Hedland promotes itself as the sunniest place in Australia, a dubious honour that’s a bit like claiming to be the coldest village in the Arctic or the most incestuous town in Tasmania. Cattle and sheep farming was once a major industry for the town, but this ended when the animals all withered to a crisp. The only fauna able to survive Port Deadland’s intense heat are creatures like red-necked stints, red-necked avocets and red-necked people. The town is also home to the Australian bustard and plenty of Australian bastards.
Port Hedland’s main industries are shitting out iron ore, digging holes and dole bludging. Popular pastimes include racing wheelbarrows, smashing people’s solar panels and being hospitalised with a respiratory infection caused by iron ore dust. The town hosted a beachfront boat-people prison from 1991 to 2004 that is now a hotel—the number of people staying has significantly dropped since the locks were removed.
Shit Suburb: Elizabeth / Adelaide ( SA )
A planned satellite slum in the far northern reaches of Adelaide, Elizabeth is essentially Adelaide’s Logan, Penrith or Werribee. Due to a restraining order taken out by Adelaide, Elizabeth must stay at least 25 kilometres from the CBD at all times. Famously feral, the area was named after Queen Elizabeth II due to its predilection for cousin marrying and paedophile cover-ups.
Despite being swallowed by the new City of Playford in 1997, the former city of Elizabeth—now a loose conurbation of suburbs—maintains a cultural distinction based on a proud tradition of unfiltered antisocial boganness. Suburbs considered part of the informal Elizabeth area include Elizabeth, Elizabeth North, Elizabeth East, Elizabeth South, not Elizabeth West, Elizabeth Downs, Elizabeth Grove, Elizabeth Park, Elizabeth Vale, Elizabeth Taylor, Elizabeth Smart and Elizabeth Báthory.
Elizabeth is Australia’s version of Detroit in that it’s known for an automobile manufacturing industry that no longer exists (unless you count body shops respraying stolen cars), and like Detroit it is now a desolate wasteland with a 100 per cent unemployment rate. The entire Elizabeth area is dotted with abandoned overgrown lots covered with car corpses, mattresses and old couches, which are surrounded by blocks of decaying units and thriving meth labs. Without gainful employment to distract them, ‘Lizbeff’ locals are free to devote themselves to hobbies such as drinking, drugs, fighting in the street, beating up bus drivers, stabbing people on the train, ransacking construction sites, stealing the wheels off cars, stealing cars off their wheels, robbing people’s houses while they’re out, and robbing people’s houses while they’re home. If you aren’t being assaulted by a dole bludger, choking on burnout fumes or wading through a torrent of used syringes, you’re probably squeezing past the Holden SS Ute that has ploughed into your living room.
It’s no mean feat to be the worst part of Adelaide, a city famous for serial killers and paedophiles, but Elizabeth has nailed it.
Adelaide is known as the ‘City of Churches, Pubs and Serial Killers’. The city’s roll of gory crimes includes a series of gruesome murders committed by a shadowy cabal of paedophiles, a series of gruesome murders committed by a bunch of drongos on the dole, and Jimmy Barnes’s musical career. Despite its delusions of cityhood, South Australia’s capital is essentially an overgrown country town complete with high unemployment, shit public transport, shops only opening for a few hours per weekday, undrinkable drinking water, rampant racism and an almost Tasmanian level of cousin-fucking. Adelaide is populated by an array of junkies, thugs and gronks, as any Adelaideans resembling normal humans waste no time in moving to Melbourne or Sydney.
Adelaide is a favourite spot for the federal government to house its expensive fuck-ups, including a submarine fleet that had difficulty submerging and an expensive desalination plant that does fuck-all. The city’s most cherished invention is the Hills hoist, which is a type of clothesline that was originally dreamed up as a mechanism for tanning the hides of flayed hitchhikers. Farmers Union Iced Coffee is considered a local delicacy and has been known to outsell Coca-Cola in Adelaide, despite the fact that it tastes like an ashtray full of Nescafé.
Adelaide Zoo is proudly home to Australia’s only pandas. This pride is somewhat mitigated by the fact that in true South Australian fashion the pandas refuse to mate, dedicating their days to the standard Adelaide pursuits of getting on the goon and going late-night shopping at Westfield Marion. Another hot shopping spot is Rundle Mall, a classy establishment adorned with statues of pigs rummaging through bins and a pair of giant gonads known as ‘the Mall’s Balls’.
Very few tourists ever visit Adelaide intentionally, with the largest number of visitors citing ‘got shitfaced on a stag and my mates thought it would be funny to put me on a plane’ as their reason for travelling.
Shit Town: Port Augusta ( SA )
Port Augusta is known as a working-class town, which is ironic because no one there has a job. The city has been redundant since its port ceased to operate in 1973, making half of its name a lie. Attempts to resuscitate ‘Portagutter’ by kickstarting a new economy predicated on polluting the atmosphere with copious amounts of carbon ended with the closure of all of its coal-fired power plants in the last decade. Now little more than a blight on the South Australian desert landscape, Port Augusta exists purely so people can confuse it with Port Pirie and Port Lincoln.
Port Augusta’s most famous feature is its putrid stench, courtesy of a dried-up tyre-filled mud puddle called Bird Lake, which makes the entire city smell almost as bad as its residents. The place is cursed with a punishing climate that sees the mercury push 50 degrees, forcing feral locals to cool off in the flooded rubbish tip known as the Spencer Gulf. Five hundred algae-encrusted shopping trolleys were recently fished up from waters near the wharf to prevent jumpers from landing on them, but a sizeable trolley reef remains.
Aside from a derelict disused port, Port Disgusta boasts a world-class collection of abandoned buildings, towering razor-wire-tipped fences, beaches with more broken glass than sand, and patches of dirt in lieu of lawns. It’s also home to the Australian Arid Lands Botanic Garden, which showcases all of the nothing that grows in the outback. A former hit with overseas visitors was the now-closed Baxter Detention Centre, which attracted tourists from all over Southeast Asia and the Middle East and must have been incredible because most visitors stayed for years.
Shit Town: Nowra ( NSW )
There are contrasting theories as to the origin of Nowra’s name. Some say it’s a European butchering of the local Aboriginal word for black cockatoo. Others suggest it refers to the town being only a-Nowra-way from Wollongong. Other others insist Nowra is an acronym for ‘Number Of Welfare Recipients Astronomical’. One thing everyone can agree upon is that Nowra is an epically shit town.
Founded by a convict and populated by packs of deadshits and fuckwits, Nowra is basically the set of a failed Chris Lilley show. Despite being the South Coast region’s commercial and administrative centre, Nowra is somehow completely devoid of jobs, leaving its residents with nothing to do but piff shopping trolleys into the river or get in a glass fight at Posties. Despite a lack of activities, the town is filled with swarms of moronic tourists from Sydney and Canberra who neglected to do any research before going on holiday.
While the South Coast has some aesthetic appeal, Nowra is a gaping hole, giving the region the nickname ‘Donut’. The saltwater Shoalhaven River acts as a moat for the flog-filled North Nowra and Bomaderry, shielding them from the bogan scum on the ‘wrong side of the bridge’. East Nowra is the shining turd in the Nowra toilet, while Worrigee is also shit mainly because it’s next to East Nowra. If you’re looking for a shit suburb, you simply can’t go wrong in a town whose only purpose is making Wollongong look good.
