The Worlds Shittiest Holiday Destinations ( part 3 )
Feb 3, 2024 2:33:26 GMT -5
Beercules, rozenn, and 2 more like this
Post by greysrigging on Feb 3, 2024 2:33:26 GMT -5
The World's crappiest holiday destinations....
You can base your vote on either climatically or degree of shittiness as a destination... or both !
( source: Furphy and Rissole )
MELBOURNE:
"#Melbourne bills itself as Australia’s cultural capital, something that is less impressive when you realise that the rest of the country considers Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles a cinematic masterpiece. Fuelled by a smug sense of superiority, Melbourne lords over the cultural wasteland that is Australia, celebrating its ‘artistic’ side with a range of inane tat including a modern art museum, a musical about Shane Warne, and, God forbid, improv comedy. If getting a lesson on culture from the country that lets Alf from Home and Away perform King Lear sounds like a good time, then Melbourne might be right up your (filthy graffitied) alley.
As Australia’s self-proclaimed bohemian capital, Melbourne is populated by hordes of hirsute hipsters, craft beer wankers, militant vegans and ‘entrepreneurs’ blagging on about cryptocurrencies and angel investors. Melburnians’ favourite hobbies include moaning about Sydney, munching organic quinoa served on a garbage bin lid, pretending to understand foreign films, blockading streets because hamburgers made them sad, heroin, and making dirty alleys sound quaint by calling them ‘laneways’.
Melbourne also claims to be the country’s sport capital, as locals are all either obsessed with sport to a sexual degree or make a point of hating sport in order to appear different. The city is the epicentre of Australia’s AFL epidemic, a game so idiotic it could only have been conceived by a convict with heatstroke and too much time on his hands. For those unacquainted with this rather esoteric sport, a ‘Sherrin’ is the ball, a ‘sausage roll’ is a goal and ‘the Brownlow’ is something that you might get after the grand final if your missus has had enough shiraz. Melbourne is also home to the Melbourne Cup, Australia’s pre-eminent public horse abuse holiday and the only iconic sporting event where you can eat the losers.
Melbourne was founded after a joker called John Batman swindled the land from its Indigenous residents and christened it Batmania. Today the city features a Batman Avenue and a Batman Park, which would be awesome if they weren’t named after a syphilitic mass murderer. For much of Melbourne’s history since, the city has been held by the gonads by organised crime groups that run massive drug, racketeering and assassination operations. After enduring any amount of time in Melbourne, getting gunned down by a mobster might not seem like such a bad idea.
REYKJAVIK:
Despite sounding like a British supermarket, an Australian drug den or an American theme park where you can ride a Frostbite Coaster, #Iceland is actually a cold, damp and miserable island nation populated by a bunch of jumper-wearing albino puffin munchers. Inexplicably settled by Vikings and their slaves and sustained by generations of inbreeding (you can’t spell ‘incest land’ without ‘Iceland’!), the soggy rock resembles what would happen if you let the Moon go mouldy.
Iceland is famous for its natural scenery, so despite an inhospitable climate and exorbitant prices, the country is like catnip for the type of people who get horny for a fjord or barred up for a geyser. 11% of Iceland is covered in glaciers - an issue that thankfully global warming will soon take care of. Unfortunately, despite its name, the other 89% of Iceland is actually volcanoes and not ice, so there’s little chance of the whole place melting into the North Atlantic. On the other hand, it may well get buried under a fuck-tonne of ash and lava if we’re lucky.
A famous Icelandic attraction is the Blue Lagoon, a bacteria-riddled hot spring that shares its name with a classic children’s film about cousin-fucking. Another popular venue is the Icelandic Phallological (Penis) Museum, a collection of over 300 dicks including a whale’s willy, a polar bear’s prick and Kanye West.
No trip to Iceland is complete without sampling the local food, cuisine that has failed to catch on globally largely because it includes such crowd-pleasers as whale meat, fermented shark and sour ram’s testicles. If recreating an episode of Fear Factor for dinner doesn’t appeal then you can always get wrecked on Brennevín, a cumin-flavoured spirit known locally as ‘black death’. There are few other options for nighttime entertainment in a country where the only clubbing involves baby seals.
It’s possible that the mass consumption of rotten fish and putrid liquor in Iceland is the reason that most of the weirdos who inhabit the isle are firm believers in elves (not the hot kind like in Lord of the Rings, but invisible magical creatures that live in the wilderness). A road was once rerouted to avoid disturbing a colony of elves, suggesting that they are less mystical marvels and more invisible NIMBYs. Iceland was famously a filming location for Game of Thrones, which locals probably think is a documentary.
HONOLULU:
#Hawaii bills itself as the quintessential tropical paradise – pristine white sandy beaches, palm trees and lush rainforests. Unfortunately, the reality is pretty much what you would expect when you make an unspoilt archipelago part of America – soulless chain hotels and cheesy tiki bars, freeway overpasses crammed with homeless encampments and an endless number of ABC stores selling a seemingly infinite array of junk.
Hawaii’s proximity to the American mainland means the ‘Aloha State’ is overrun by the type of tourists who want to visit a tropical island while still having access to Cinnabon and Walmart. On any given day, herds of heavily sunburnt Midwesterners in Mexican-made Hawaiian shirts descend upon Waikiki Beach like a morbidly obese version of the Normandy landings, devour all overpriced cocktails and pseudo-Polynesian cuisine in their path, and stomp through outlet malls searching for enough bargains to fill the gaping maw at the centre of their existence. Meanwhile, middle-aged men live out their Magnum P.I. fantasies while on holiday with a secretary who wasn’t even born when Tom Selleck was in his sexual prime.
These tedious tourists are well catered for by an array of terrible lodging, dining and entertainment options, whether they be soulless hotels, soulless restaurants or soulless faux-hula cultural parody shows. ‘Hawaiian cuisine’ is something of an oxymoron, consisting of such dubious foods as spam (an elaborate practical joke invented during the war to keep spirits up), shave ice (shit ice cream), and pineapple and raw fish at room temperature. Hawaiian McDonald’s features novelties like taro pies, corn chip burgers and homeless Iraq War vets shooting up at the next table. If your accommodation isn’t an unaffordable luxury resort or an insipid chain hotel, it’s probably a meth lab.
Popular tourist activities in Hawaii include treating the local residents as decoration for your holiday selfies, getting blitzed and committing sexual assault at a hotel luau and catching herpes from a snorkel rental. Fun excursions include the Dole Plantation (where visitors can learn about the many uses for pineapples including a few that aren’t sexual) and Pearl Harbor (the site of the best prank on America until 9/11). Most tourists never venture beyond the borders of the Honolulu urban area, let alone outside of Oahu – however, visitors to any of Hawaii’s islands are able to experience the vog (volcanic smog) that blankets the beaches every time a volcano decides to blow up.
AMSTERDAM:
#Amsterdam is famous for its liberal attitudes towards adult recreation, making it a kind of Disneyland for adults if Mickey favoured bong rips while Minnie was three knuckles deep. Unfortunately, it is also filled with the Dutch.
Amsterdam’s premier attraction is the De Wallen red-light district, where you can watch the victims of human trafficking twerk in a storefront while they wait to be used as a human ashtray by a busload of English football hooligans drunk on Carling and racism. If paying an Eastern European woman who has been smuggled into the country in a shipping container to give you a half-hearted hand crank in front of your five-a-side team isn’t your idea of a good time, then you could indulge in Amsterdam’s other famous pastime: getting high as fuck in a so-called ‘coffee shop’. The city attracts waves of wasters from around the world, intent on trying the famous Amsterdam tradition of getting more stoned than a Saudi homosexual and falling in a canal.
Amsterdam is renowned for its canal system, a vast network of open sewers clogged with weird-looking tour boats, which exist primarily to give sex tourists something to do during the daytime. The murky sludge from these canals is harvested by an enterprising local company and sold to the same unsuspecting tourists as beer - this is known in Dutch as ‘Heineken’.
Amsterdam is also home to the Van Gogh Museum, which celebrates an artist with a name that sounds like an elderly hooker coughing up a particularly viscous wad of spunk and who had a predilection for self-mutilation and painting sunflowers. During his lifetime he was considered a madman and an abject failure, which is probably why he is a Dutch national hero. Another popular attraction is the Anne Frank House, a homage to the Hide & Seek World Champion 1942-1944.
If you find yourself confronted with the cloying stench of fish, it’s not the red-light district but one of the city’s ubiquitous herring stands. The disgusting fishy fare served up at these haringhandels is one of Holland’s most famous and enduring practical jokes along with clogs, ‘drop’ liquorice and electing a guy called Tiny Cox to the Senate.
If you want to smoke yourself into a coma, stick your finger in a d*ke or just do some ‘Amsterdamage’ to your liver, then the ‘Venice of the North’ is the place for you!
ORLANDO:
Formerly a hub of citrus production, #Orlando is now Florida’s theme park capital, which basically means it’s a giant liquor store car park with a roller coaster. Famous attractions include Walt Disney World (where visitors can experience the magic of capitalism as envisaged by an antisemitic fascist whose head is currently defrosting in a cryogenic facility somewhere in the Arizona desert), and Universal’s Islands of Adventure (a theme park partly themed on Jurassic Park, a film about the worst ever theme park). Consequently, Orlando is filled to the brim with weekend dads trying to make up for missed birthdays with turkey legs and Mickey Mouse ears, and middle-aged hipsters trying desperately to break the crushing ennui of their mid-thirties by recapturing the fleeting joyful moments of their youth before they were ruined by terrible prequels and transphobia. If a grown man in a Hogwarts uniform screaming made-up words while flailing about with a pretend wand doesn’t fill you with a sense of wonder, then maybe Orlando isn’t for you.
Another popular theme park is SeaWorld, famous for jamming orcas into paddling pools and abusing them like Chinese gymnasts until they perform inane tricks or murder their trainers. Until his death in 2017 SeaWorld’s star attraction was the psychopathic cetacean Tilikum, who clocked up three human kills - 75% of all orca murders on record. Most oceanariums have killer whales - SeaWorld has serial killer whales.
The most popular ride at Orlando’s theme parks is ‘queuing for hours in lengthy lines before passing out due to the oppressive Florida heat’. This is quickly followed by eating yourself into a coma by consuming American-sized portions of sugary, deep fried confections that have the nutritional value of an asbestos sandwich.
Orlando is also home to an array of other family-friendly attractions, from water parks where you can slide around in other people’s piss, to convenience stores selling assault weapons, to strip clubs showcasing some of the most blatantly artificial tits known to man. Orlando is the only place where you can pay a college student dressed as a Disney princess to pose for a photo with your kid, then pay her for a lap dance a few hours later.
MUNICH:
#Munich is where the traditional meets the modern - specifically, where the grand old traditions of dressing in pervert garb, devouring colon-ruining portions of artery-clogging meals and pouring beer down your throat until you pass out, meet the contemporary customs of dressing in pervert garb, devouring colon-ruining portions of artery-clogging meals and pouring beer down your throat until you pass out.
The Bavarian capital is famous for its food, including pretzels (deformed donuts), apple strudel (plagiarised pie) and various weird and gross sausages. The city’s signature snag is the weisswurst, a bleached white monstrosity that looks like old dog shit and tastes like it looks. Sadly for sex pests, seeking out young fräuleins in push-up dirndls requires naviating a literal sausage fest, hence Munich’s city slogan: ‘If you can’t handle me at my wurst, you don’t deserve me at my breast!’
Nevertheless, opportunities abound for creeps and pervs alike. Munich combines a quintessential German officiousness with a uniquely German commitment to perversion - if you are looking for punctual prostitutes or dominatrixes with detailed tax records then Munich is for you! The city is also known for its cultural diversity, boasting Turkish porno dens, Romanian strip clubs and Czech brothels. Before sinking a giant tankard of beer it’s traditional to exclaim ‘prost!’, short for ‘prostitutes!’
Munich is home to so many pissheads and boozy tourists that they can’t fit them all into pubs, hence the city’s famous beer halls, beer gardens and beer in-the-middle-of-the-roads. Another attraction is the English Garden where you can find excessively polite flowers and sexually repressed trees. Ironically given the notorious prudishness of the English, the English Garden is a favourite spot for leathery old nudists to whip out their white-haired ballbags and splay their bony grandad bods on the public grass. Tourists can also visit the BMW Museum to see how the latest wanker mobile was put together, or the Glockenspiel in Marienplatz, essentially a giant cuckoo clock that tells the time since Germany’s last attempted genocide. Munich is also ideally placed for fun day trips to places like Salzburg, Neuschwanstein Castle or Dachau concentration camp.
Every year sees an array of world-famous festivals, each celebrating something that their host city holds dear. Rio de Janeiro has Carnival, a celebration of rampant sexuality and even more rampant spreading of STDs. Edinburgh has the Festival Fringe, celebrating the long-term unemployed and white people doing theatresports. #Munich has #Oktoberfest, a nearly month-long event celebrating public intoxication and sexual deviance.
The world’s largest beer festival is attended by over six million people a year, with scores of shitfaced tourists causing drunken mayhem throughout the city as though they are intent on inflicting payback for World War I, World War II and Kraftwerk. A key part of Oktoberfest is dressing up in traditional Bavarian garb: lederhosen for the chaps and dirndls for the ladies, which in true German fashion tends to resemble fetishwear suitable for picnicking. This leads to the truly disturbing sight of obese bus drivers dressed like giant toddlers locking vomit-covered tongues with teenage girls in slutty milkmaid costumes.
Key activities at Oktoberfest include getting alcohol poisoning, being deafened by Oompah music and hitting up the locals for a little scat play. Another fun thing to do is getting up at the crack of dawn to secure a spot in a coveted tent so you can spend the entire day drinking yourself into oblivion on overpriced jugs of piss-warm beer. Assuming you are still ambulatory at the end of the evening you can stagger back to your overcrowded hostel while navigating streets littered with passed-out drunks and rutting strangers intent on having the type of holiday they’ll never remember.
Ad: Sound like your kind of carnage? Book your 2024 Oktoberfest experience with Stoke Travel, Europe's most feral travel company. Reserve your spot now with a risk-free €1 deposit: bit.ly/shittoberfest
You can base your vote on either climatically or degree of shittiness as a destination... or both !
( source: Furphy and Rissole )
MELBOURNE:
"#Melbourne bills itself as Australia’s cultural capital, something that is less impressive when you realise that the rest of the country considers Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles a cinematic masterpiece. Fuelled by a smug sense of superiority, Melbourne lords over the cultural wasteland that is Australia, celebrating its ‘artistic’ side with a range of inane tat including a modern art museum, a musical about Shane Warne, and, God forbid, improv comedy. If getting a lesson on culture from the country that lets Alf from Home and Away perform King Lear sounds like a good time, then Melbourne might be right up your (filthy graffitied) alley.
As Australia’s self-proclaimed bohemian capital, Melbourne is populated by hordes of hirsute hipsters, craft beer wankers, militant vegans and ‘entrepreneurs’ blagging on about cryptocurrencies and angel investors. Melburnians’ favourite hobbies include moaning about Sydney, munching organic quinoa served on a garbage bin lid, pretending to understand foreign films, blockading streets because hamburgers made them sad, heroin, and making dirty alleys sound quaint by calling them ‘laneways’.
Melbourne also claims to be the country’s sport capital, as locals are all either obsessed with sport to a sexual degree or make a point of hating sport in order to appear different. The city is the epicentre of Australia’s AFL epidemic, a game so idiotic it could only have been conceived by a convict with heatstroke and too much time on his hands. For those unacquainted with this rather esoteric sport, a ‘Sherrin’ is the ball, a ‘sausage roll’ is a goal and ‘the Brownlow’ is something that you might get after the grand final if your missus has had enough shiraz. Melbourne is also home to the Melbourne Cup, Australia’s pre-eminent public horse abuse holiday and the only iconic sporting event where you can eat the losers.
Melbourne was founded after a joker called John Batman swindled the land from its Indigenous residents and christened it Batmania. Today the city features a Batman Avenue and a Batman Park, which would be awesome if they weren’t named after a syphilitic mass murderer. For much of Melbourne’s history since, the city has been held by the gonads by organised crime groups that run massive drug, racketeering and assassination operations. After enduring any amount of time in Melbourne, getting gunned down by a mobster might not seem like such a bad idea.
REYKJAVIK:
Despite sounding like a British supermarket, an Australian drug den or an American theme park where you can ride a Frostbite Coaster, #Iceland is actually a cold, damp and miserable island nation populated by a bunch of jumper-wearing albino puffin munchers. Inexplicably settled by Vikings and their slaves and sustained by generations of inbreeding (you can’t spell ‘incest land’ without ‘Iceland’!), the soggy rock resembles what would happen if you let the Moon go mouldy.
Iceland is famous for its natural scenery, so despite an inhospitable climate and exorbitant prices, the country is like catnip for the type of people who get horny for a fjord or barred up for a geyser. 11% of Iceland is covered in glaciers - an issue that thankfully global warming will soon take care of. Unfortunately, despite its name, the other 89% of Iceland is actually volcanoes and not ice, so there’s little chance of the whole place melting into the North Atlantic. On the other hand, it may well get buried under a fuck-tonne of ash and lava if we’re lucky.
A famous Icelandic attraction is the Blue Lagoon, a bacteria-riddled hot spring that shares its name with a classic children’s film about cousin-fucking. Another popular venue is the Icelandic Phallological (Penis) Museum, a collection of over 300 dicks including a whale’s willy, a polar bear’s prick and Kanye West.
No trip to Iceland is complete without sampling the local food, cuisine that has failed to catch on globally largely because it includes such crowd-pleasers as whale meat, fermented shark and sour ram’s testicles. If recreating an episode of Fear Factor for dinner doesn’t appeal then you can always get wrecked on Brennevín, a cumin-flavoured spirit known locally as ‘black death’. There are few other options for nighttime entertainment in a country where the only clubbing involves baby seals.
It’s possible that the mass consumption of rotten fish and putrid liquor in Iceland is the reason that most of the weirdos who inhabit the isle are firm believers in elves (not the hot kind like in Lord of the Rings, but invisible magical creatures that live in the wilderness). A road was once rerouted to avoid disturbing a colony of elves, suggesting that they are less mystical marvels and more invisible NIMBYs. Iceland was famously a filming location for Game of Thrones, which locals probably think is a documentary.
HONOLULU:
#Hawaii bills itself as the quintessential tropical paradise – pristine white sandy beaches, palm trees and lush rainforests. Unfortunately, the reality is pretty much what you would expect when you make an unspoilt archipelago part of America – soulless chain hotels and cheesy tiki bars, freeway overpasses crammed with homeless encampments and an endless number of ABC stores selling a seemingly infinite array of junk.
Hawaii’s proximity to the American mainland means the ‘Aloha State’ is overrun by the type of tourists who want to visit a tropical island while still having access to Cinnabon and Walmart. On any given day, herds of heavily sunburnt Midwesterners in Mexican-made Hawaiian shirts descend upon Waikiki Beach like a morbidly obese version of the Normandy landings, devour all overpriced cocktails and pseudo-Polynesian cuisine in their path, and stomp through outlet malls searching for enough bargains to fill the gaping maw at the centre of their existence. Meanwhile, middle-aged men live out their Magnum P.I. fantasies while on holiday with a secretary who wasn’t even born when Tom Selleck was in his sexual prime.
These tedious tourists are well catered for by an array of terrible lodging, dining and entertainment options, whether they be soulless hotels, soulless restaurants or soulless faux-hula cultural parody shows. ‘Hawaiian cuisine’ is something of an oxymoron, consisting of such dubious foods as spam (an elaborate practical joke invented during the war to keep spirits up), shave ice (shit ice cream), and pineapple and raw fish at room temperature. Hawaiian McDonald’s features novelties like taro pies, corn chip burgers and homeless Iraq War vets shooting up at the next table. If your accommodation isn’t an unaffordable luxury resort or an insipid chain hotel, it’s probably a meth lab.
Popular tourist activities in Hawaii include treating the local residents as decoration for your holiday selfies, getting blitzed and committing sexual assault at a hotel luau and catching herpes from a snorkel rental. Fun excursions include the Dole Plantation (where visitors can learn about the many uses for pineapples including a few that aren’t sexual) and Pearl Harbor (the site of the best prank on America until 9/11). Most tourists never venture beyond the borders of the Honolulu urban area, let alone outside of Oahu – however, visitors to any of Hawaii’s islands are able to experience the vog (volcanic smog) that blankets the beaches every time a volcano decides to blow up.
AMSTERDAM:
#Amsterdam is famous for its liberal attitudes towards adult recreation, making it a kind of Disneyland for adults if Mickey favoured bong rips while Minnie was three knuckles deep. Unfortunately, it is also filled with the Dutch.
Amsterdam’s premier attraction is the De Wallen red-light district, where you can watch the victims of human trafficking twerk in a storefront while they wait to be used as a human ashtray by a busload of English football hooligans drunk on Carling and racism. If paying an Eastern European woman who has been smuggled into the country in a shipping container to give you a half-hearted hand crank in front of your five-a-side team isn’t your idea of a good time, then you could indulge in Amsterdam’s other famous pastime: getting high as fuck in a so-called ‘coffee shop’. The city attracts waves of wasters from around the world, intent on trying the famous Amsterdam tradition of getting more stoned than a Saudi homosexual and falling in a canal.
Amsterdam is renowned for its canal system, a vast network of open sewers clogged with weird-looking tour boats, which exist primarily to give sex tourists something to do during the daytime. The murky sludge from these canals is harvested by an enterprising local company and sold to the same unsuspecting tourists as beer - this is known in Dutch as ‘Heineken’.
Amsterdam is also home to the Van Gogh Museum, which celebrates an artist with a name that sounds like an elderly hooker coughing up a particularly viscous wad of spunk and who had a predilection for self-mutilation and painting sunflowers. During his lifetime he was considered a madman and an abject failure, which is probably why he is a Dutch national hero. Another popular attraction is the Anne Frank House, a homage to the Hide & Seek World Champion 1942-1944.
If you find yourself confronted with the cloying stench of fish, it’s not the red-light district but one of the city’s ubiquitous herring stands. The disgusting fishy fare served up at these haringhandels is one of Holland’s most famous and enduring practical jokes along with clogs, ‘drop’ liquorice and electing a guy called Tiny Cox to the Senate.
If you want to smoke yourself into a coma, stick your finger in a d*ke or just do some ‘Amsterdamage’ to your liver, then the ‘Venice of the North’ is the place for you!
ORLANDO:
Formerly a hub of citrus production, #Orlando is now Florida’s theme park capital, which basically means it’s a giant liquor store car park with a roller coaster. Famous attractions include Walt Disney World (where visitors can experience the magic of capitalism as envisaged by an antisemitic fascist whose head is currently defrosting in a cryogenic facility somewhere in the Arizona desert), and Universal’s Islands of Adventure (a theme park partly themed on Jurassic Park, a film about the worst ever theme park). Consequently, Orlando is filled to the brim with weekend dads trying to make up for missed birthdays with turkey legs and Mickey Mouse ears, and middle-aged hipsters trying desperately to break the crushing ennui of their mid-thirties by recapturing the fleeting joyful moments of their youth before they were ruined by terrible prequels and transphobia. If a grown man in a Hogwarts uniform screaming made-up words while flailing about with a pretend wand doesn’t fill you with a sense of wonder, then maybe Orlando isn’t for you.
Another popular theme park is SeaWorld, famous for jamming orcas into paddling pools and abusing them like Chinese gymnasts until they perform inane tricks or murder their trainers. Until his death in 2017 SeaWorld’s star attraction was the psychopathic cetacean Tilikum, who clocked up three human kills - 75% of all orca murders on record. Most oceanariums have killer whales - SeaWorld has serial killer whales.
The most popular ride at Orlando’s theme parks is ‘queuing for hours in lengthy lines before passing out due to the oppressive Florida heat’. This is quickly followed by eating yourself into a coma by consuming American-sized portions of sugary, deep fried confections that have the nutritional value of an asbestos sandwich.
Orlando is also home to an array of other family-friendly attractions, from water parks where you can slide around in other people’s piss, to convenience stores selling assault weapons, to strip clubs showcasing some of the most blatantly artificial tits known to man. Orlando is the only place where you can pay a college student dressed as a Disney princess to pose for a photo with your kid, then pay her for a lap dance a few hours later.
MUNICH:
#Munich is where the traditional meets the modern - specifically, where the grand old traditions of dressing in pervert garb, devouring colon-ruining portions of artery-clogging meals and pouring beer down your throat until you pass out, meet the contemporary customs of dressing in pervert garb, devouring colon-ruining portions of artery-clogging meals and pouring beer down your throat until you pass out.
The Bavarian capital is famous for its food, including pretzels (deformed donuts), apple strudel (plagiarised pie) and various weird and gross sausages. The city’s signature snag is the weisswurst, a bleached white monstrosity that looks like old dog shit and tastes like it looks. Sadly for sex pests, seeking out young fräuleins in push-up dirndls requires naviating a literal sausage fest, hence Munich’s city slogan: ‘If you can’t handle me at my wurst, you don’t deserve me at my breast!’
Nevertheless, opportunities abound for creeps and pervs alike. Munich combines a quintessential German officiousness with a uniquely German commitment to perversion - if you are looking for punctual prostitutes or dominatrixes with detailed tax records then Munich is for you! The city is also known for its cultural diversity, boasting Turkish porno dens, Romanian strip clubs and Czech brothels. Before sinking a giant tankard of beer it’s traditional to exclaim ‘prost!’, short for ‘prostitutes!’
Munich is home to so many pissheads and boozy tourists that they can’t fit them all into pubs, hence the city’s famous beer halls, beer gardens and beer in-the-middle-of-the-roads. Another attraction is the English Garden where you can find excessively polite flowers and sexually repressed trees. Ironically given the notorious prudishness of the English, the English Garden is a favourite spot for leathery old nudists to whip out their white-haired ballbags and splay their bony grandad bods on the public grass. Tourists can also visit the BMW Museum to see how the latest wanker mobile was put together, or the Glockenspiel in Marienplatz, essentially a giant cuckoo clock that tells the time since Germany’s last attempted genocide. Munich is also ideally placed for fun day trips to places like Salzburg, Neuschwanstein Castle or Dachau concentration camp.
Every year sees an array of world-famous festivals, each celebrating something that their host city holds dear. Rio de Janeiro has Carnival, a celebration of rampant sexuality and even more rampant spreading of STDs. Edinburgh has the Festival Fringe, celebrating the long-term unemployed and white people doing theatresports. #Munich has #Oktoberfest, a nearly month-long event celebrating public intoxication and sexual deviance.
The world’s largest beer festival is attended by over six million people a year, with scores of shitfaced tourists causing drunken mayhem throughout the city as though they are intent on inflicting payback for World War I, World War II and Kraftwerk. A key part of Oktoberfest is dressing up in traditional Bavarian garb: lederhosen for the chaps and dirndls for the ladies, which in true German fashion tends to resemble fetishwear suitable for picnicking. This leads to the truly disturbing sight of obese bus drivers dressed like giant toddlers locking vomit-covered tongues with teenage girls in slutty milkmaid costumes.
Key activities at Oktoberfest include getting alcohol poisoning, being deafened by Oompah music and hitting up the locals for a little scat play. Another fun thing to do is getting up at the crack of dawn to secure a spot in a coveted tent so you can spend the entire day drinking yourself into oblivion on overpriced jugs of piss-warm beer. Assuming you are still ambulatory at the end of the evening you can stagger back to your overcrowded hostel while navigating streets littered with passed-out drunks and rutting strangers intent on having the type of holiday they’ll never remember.
Ad: Sound like your kind of carnage? Book your 2024 Oktoberfest experience with Stoke Travel, Europe's most feral travel company. Reserve your spot now with a risk-free €1 deposit: bit.ly/shittoberfest
